Dr. H: You're not responding to my posts at all, so I don't know if I should keep blah blah blahing at your or if it's helping at all. I'll back off if you want me to.
Please don't be so scared. You can handle this, I promise.
Stay calm. Especially during the MC session. Try to avoid turning that into a bashing session or fight. If she says something truly unacceptable, state calmly that you understand where she is coming from, but you disagree. I repeat try to understand, validate and acknowledge her feelings. Never disagree with her feelings. They are what they are. Also, if your C starts to attack her, try to take her side.
You primary goal is to get her to come to a second session (as long as it goes well). Good luck!
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I was the same way during my first counseling session with my WAW. I'm not sure if mine is typical, but my counselor focused on what were the things that happened in our marriage that made my wife feel like this. When things were brought up - i.e. I didn't pay attention, make her feel important, valued, equal, etc. - the counselor/therapist then focused on why I did those things. There was no discussion at all of what she did wrong. That's how it's been going now for all the sessions (I think we've had 4 or 5).
I didn't fight/defend what she said I did, as they were unfortunately true. My wife didn't present it as attacks either, rather than just telling her story. Actually pretty scary as she did it with little/no emotion (which is very unlike her).
I remember how our counselor would look at me with disbelief that I was that dumb as to what I did (i.e. she would ask me to come up to bed and I would make her wait an hour or so until I was done doing what I was doing). I couldn't believe it either when I heard my wife say it. In my case, it turned out I was suffering from depression that prevented me from being emotionally responsive.
I do agree with my wife when she says just because there's a name to what made me be the way I was, it still hurt her and doesn't excuse it. Now I just focus on my 180 and I use what she brings up in the counseling sessions to fine tune my 180.
I wouldn't say I'm a good example though as she's still moving forward with the divorce. I called a DB coach now so hopefully I'll get better results.
Best of luck to you
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Lucky: Yes, I'm responding to them. I just didn't figure out the difference between the Reply button WITHIN the post and this little post window at the bottom of the page.
The first C session ended almost 3 hours ago. I'm still processing. The C seemed nice, didn't mince words, said "you can do all this work and still get the outcome you have today."
I then was the one who Told The Story. Tried to be fair, tried to acknowledge the basic facts without spinning them. Think I succeeded. We then got into a variety of things.
WAW spent a lot of time venting -- so angry, angrier now than ever, (implying) that she is better than I am because I wouldn't go for her but she is for me, list of things that irritated her, just being around me made her blood pressure go up, reiterating that she feels NOTHING for me, so tired, done, etc. I expect it's the same everywhere.
After a while of that, C asked me if there were things I had been unhappy about; I said yes in a general way; C pressed for specifics and I gave one.
WAW replied, well okay that's one thing, but my grievances are bigger and over a longer time period.
I stayed as cool and calm as I could. I nodded when she was being accurate, I clarified when she misrepresented (which she did right off the bat)
At the end, C asked if we were going to schedule #2. WAW spent the entire session w/ arms crossed. "I should, I guess." C didn't accept that -- "should?" "I should." C says, "You should eat more vegetables, too." But "should" was the best C could get out of her. I of course said yes.
So 9 long nights between now and then. Hopefully I've lived to fight another day. WAW is texting and facebooking and cellphoning non-EA EA (according to her). So I've got that going for me -- which is not nice.
I feel low right now. I'm haunted by this image of her texting and chatting and e-ing with OM/EA. He says all the "right" things... I'm an a**hole. Blah blah agh.
I read some of the other threads and the prospect of this journey seems awfully disheartening.
And the little lies. W asked if I would manage the kids Saturday morning as her company had a "marketing seminar." Sure, says I calmly, doing the Right Thing.
Then I get an update on my Facebook page that she posted that she's "attending" some kind of day-long festival downtown -- and that time-stamp of that post was 3 hours before told me about the "marketing seminar." Is that a slap in the face or what?
Hi Doc, glad you found us. I will read the rest of your stitch and reply to what has been said, but I was very interested in what you said about your adult ADHD. My H told me just a couple of years ago that as far back as he remembered he has ADD. You know that comercial that comes on TV that shows a person's mind racing from one thought to the next? He looked over at me and said that was how his mind worked as long as he could remember.
Our main problem in our M has been lack of communication and when I try to get him to "open up" to me, he says he just doesn't know how. He sats there forever....like he is thinking and trying, but then just says that he doesn't know how to express himself. It is most frustrating to me, of course.
My question to you, if this is okay to ask, is what do doctors usually prescribe for adult ADD? He doesn't have the ADHD. I wondered if it would do as much for him as it has you. I suppose I could just get him to ask his doctor......if he will. He is very stubborn about things like that.
Anyway, I am so glad that you brought that out b/c I never related it to perhaps being a block, so to speak, about him having a problem communicating. And, it may not be that at all. I may be getting my hope up for nothing.
I'll talk to you more later. It is bedtime.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know IF having ADD (the "H" isn't usually part of the adult experience in the way it is for kids) is a block.
What I do know is that SINCE I was on the medication -- and it's a very low dose -- I "see" things much more clearly. And let me just point out that I'm not referring to the D there -- I started on the med before the bomb.
As I reflected on the state of my M -- which was poor, I admit -- I began to see things I didn't see before. I didn't know they were as bad as they are (this was also pre-bomb).
W used to always complain that I wasn't listening. She'd be talking and I'd drift away. I denied it, of course, because I could hear and recall her words. But she was right (I now know) -- I wasn't listening. But I didn't know I wasn't listening -- my brain just moved along.
Whenever I tried to concentrate I had to work at it. The IC I consult with on this, who specializes in Adult ADD -- and always starts from the presumption you DON'T have it -- describes it as "brain m*sturbation." Your brain gets pleasure out of bouncing around, this is what it wants, so when you let it (subconsciously) you feel "right," but when you try to force yourself to sit and concentrate you get any one or a number of negative feelings. Frustration mostly.
There was certainly other stuff that led to the bomb, but that was an important part of it.
Need help! I'm agonizing over every single look, voice inflection, cold shoulder! She updated her Facebook page to say she's "settling herself out of a job" -- and the MC kept referring to marriage as a "job" you have to work at in Session #1 yesterday! Cell phone bill came today -- 2 phones in my name. The one W uses suddenly has calls to area code where EA lives, text messages. Am I being played for a fool here? I'm on the brink of doing something stupid, I know it!
