I should have kissed him more last night and stirred the pot, but I was too fixated on an unresolved incident of my past (not important to reiterate here) and was hiding my emotions from him. He fell asleep and I was glad that I could just think and ache and float to sleep.
We have very few opportunities in the week to ML. He gets home LATE and we're both wiped by then. On the weekends, the baby is the focus as well as catching up on things to fix in the house, etc. Our time is after the baby's bedtime. If we have plans or family visiting, that time gets cut as well. I know this is not unusual for anybody here. I remember years ago looking at my friends with kids and thinking "Yuck--it never ends. That looks EXHAUSTING." It certainly is a different kind of exhausting than hard work, but of course, well worth it. I wouldn't trade Little Mister Personality for the world.
Anyway, my point is that my "striptease stage" isn't always available to us, and it requires some planning and the stars to align so the baby sleeps to get some quality time. And THEN, both of our psyches have to be in the right place. And not too much wine but just a little.
Sheesh.
It's a little annoying that it has to be a big, premeditated event. Because ultimately, I just want it to happen because we can't stand to NOT touch each other. I want us to sneak off into the other room while the baby's in the playpen and have a precious naughty moment. For now, it is what it is.
Darnit. I can't just read "you're doing great" and be happy. I have drudge up the toxic noise in my head.
I know those noisy thoughts are not doing me any good. I feel that if I post them and send them out into the universe, I'm releasing them, cleansing my head, and getting a little bit freer. I hope it works.
