In the end it does not matter why you are angry at her. You are still blaming her for what is happening to you (and your family). Does it ultimately matter whose fault it is? Does it make you feel better when you blame her for it? Short-term maybe, because it protects you from the hurt you would feel otherwise, but long-term I would say it does not improve anything. As a matter of fact, it probably makes you feel worse.
Another thing based on what you wrote this morning. Her mood still seems to affect you a lot. Very often I read from you that she is in full blown WAW mode. Why do you care? You cannot control how she feels. You actually do not even know for sure.
I do not know if you can go out at night, but try to leave her alone. Go to a separate room and read a book or surf the internet. On the weekends, visit a friend or go hiking, skiing, whatever. Do that for a week or two. Leave her alone and give her space. Enjoy your own life and be happy. Start positive self-talk. See how that works.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I do not know if you can go out at night, but try to leave her alone. Go to a separate room and read a book or surf the internet. On the weekends, visit a friend or go hiking, skiing, whatever. Do that for a week or two. Leave her alone and give her space. Enjoy your own life and be happy. Start positive self-talk. See how that works.
At nite, after the kids go to bed, I am usually just doing my own thing (either in the den, living room or the family room) but she will ask me if I want to watch Lost. Since I do, we do.
Before the kids go to bed, I am usually playing with them while she is making dinner. So the only time we spend together is watching Lost and then when we go to bed, we may talk for a little while before we go to sleep.
Part of her issue with me had been we rarely spend "Quality Time" together. When she did try to watch a show with me, it was usually one of my shows, which she didn't like. So now part of my 180 had been to watch a show we both like.
The other issue had been we rarely went to bed at the same time (usually only when I wanted sex) so now we go to bed together and talk (I still want sex but I stopped trying to initiate a few weeks ago). That was also part of my 180.
She had even commented about if I will really keep doing these 2 things or is it short lived. If I stop now, doesn't that reinforce this is a temporary change?
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
She had even commented about if I will really keep doing these 2 things or is it short lived. If I stop now, doesn't that reinforce this is a temporary change?
If she has made the inquiry and it is a 180 for you, I say keep doing it. Look for other ways to give her space.
Detaching does not mean cutting off your feelings for her, it means not being emotionally dependent on her to be happy. It is probably a new thing for you (it sure is for me) but you can love her and still be strong enough not to be affected by her in negative ways.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Be compassionate and try to figure out what she wants. For example:
If you think she is WAW mode, tell her something like: "It sounds/looks like you want to be alone tonight. I will read a book upstairs." If you judged her mood wrong, she will let you know. If you think she wants some affection, tell her something like: "It sounds/looks like you need somebody who listens to you. Do you want to tell me something?"
Be flexible, try to figure out what she wants and act accordingly. Do not get angry (even inwardly) if she blows you off. It just means you read her wrong. So keep trying and improve.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I am angry that she considers our kids baggage that may be in the way of her "future happiness".
Did she say that she considers you kids "baggage" or are you assuming that is what she means when she says she now has baggage?
Unfortunately she considers our kids baggage. She's said it twice and it kills me everytime she says it.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I actually just got off a telephone consultation with a DB coach. My wife's comment on Sat of giving up trying to find a reason to change her mind and is now thinking of ways to separate had me so confused and anxious.
The coach's comment reiterated what a lot of folks here have been saying. Don't react to every word, do things based on actions. She still hasn't moved out yet.
The coach reinforced staying with my 180 and acting as if the divorce was not going on. Instead, now that I see what the marriage was that we/she didn't want, find ways to make the marriage/relationship that we/she does want. The coach said to stay focused on her primary love languages - touch, verbal and quality time.
One of the things that was also suggested, with respect to how torn I am whether to share my emotions with her, is that next time my wife asks if I'm ok, to say "Do you want me to lie to you and say yes or do you really want to hear that I am not ok what is happening between us and the family?" It seemd a little harsh, but I'm going to keep it in mind.
The coach also offered how to answer my wife's challenge/question of trying. It should include loving acts, so I should give examples of things that she does that I like.
Another thing was to stay focused on creating a marriage of what it is/can be now that I get it vs. continue the marriage of the past. The coach said it much better, I just couldn't quite put it into words.
One of the things that I am really torn about is the coach's suggestion of trying to initiate intimacy more frequently. In my mind, my wife has made it pretty clear that is something that makes her feel "creppy/uncomfortable". But it could be a good way to bring up "repeating last Thurs". Either way, I am going to continue with the non-sexual touches and light sexual touches (i.e. patting on the bottom).
The coach also stressed having a "whatever" attitude whenever she brings up the divorce/separation. Make sure I don't help but don't make her think that I'm stopping it.
It was an good discussion overall. I am more optimistic as it was nice to have a cheerleader. I am cautiously optimistic though as this is the first call, so it was hard to fill in all the details. I did cover what happened last week and what she said on Sat of giving up trying to find a reason to change her mind. The key thing I need to focus on is making her see the marriage she could realy have if she leaves now. So for now, this means staying with my 180.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Detaching does not mean cutting off your feelings for her, it means not being emotionally dependent on her to be happy. It is probably a new thing for you (it sure is for me) but you can love her and still be strong enough not to be affected by her in negative ways.
I'm actually signing up for a gym membership today. That way, on the weekends, I can go to the gym instead of just being around the house all the time. Figure it kills 2 birds with one stone - give her some space and it helps me as well. I haven't had much luck in finding a dojo that I liked or schedule that fits.
My DB coach today said that to use a "whatever" attitude when she starts with the down/separation path - to help with detaching I guess. This will be hard, but I have to try....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
If you think she wants some affection, tell her something like: "It sounds/looks like you need somebody who listens to you. Do you want to tell me something?"
Do you mean attention or affection? ; )
I thinks she's knows I want to give her some affection.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I think all the times she has said "I can't find a reason to try" is also reinforcing the concept for her. It would be better to avoid the conversation that leads her to say that IMO. I keep hearing from you that she said it over and over and over. There is some temperature taking going on either by you or by the MC for her to keep repeating this.
Keep trying to maintain a positive attitude and keep your conversation with her positively charged also.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
