Stillloveshim , I composed a letter and mailed it yesterday . I took 100% of blame for the breakdown of the marriage . Validated the fact that the marriage is over . Apologized for my part in the demise . I did not bring up the affair , the forgery , the dishonesty or anything she could view as blame or make her feel ashamed . Lets see what happens . I still feel she has checked out and this is all for not but since the divorce is going through anyway what do I have to lose .
Basically you just validated that she's doing the right thing in having an A it seems like.
I took blame for "my part" in my marriage breakdown, but ultimately it falls on my W for choosing not to work on the M.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
She e-mailed that she doesn't love me anymore so I can't hurt her anymore . She went on to blame me for the demise of the marriage and stated that there is not enough paper for me to apologize for my part . She also stated that only she knows the truth with her OM relationship and that she never went outside the marriage . Just as I predicted , she's done .
No matter how dark it gets, don't give up. My husband said some really really crappy things to me when he was talking about divorce and getting on with his life without me. It was amazingly painful. I thought it was over too and started to really make plans for a life without him. However, now we are kissing good bye and he's calling to check in on us and texting. I think back to the times I was the dumper in my relationships. I think back to when I was the dumpee. I know that when I was ready to end relationships I wasn't mad, I was truly sad for the end and didn't want to hurt the guy. I knew it was over because I could imagine him with another woman and really wanted him to be happy. Hurting him more was NOT on the agenda......except for once. I had an ex boyfriend who I found out cheated on me with his ex. When I found out I dumped him in the most mean hurtful manner I could think of and continued to antagonize him. And truth be told, I didn't want to dump him but he cheated on me, so since I couldn't stay with him and keep my pride, I made him pay when I broke up with him. Basically, my point is this: If you really want to get away from someone, and you really just want to be with out them, hurting them is not part of your plan. You want the process to be as painless as possible. The fact she is trying to hurt you makes me think that maybe, she doesn't really know what she wants but she is super pissed off at you.
Not doubt she's pissed . I enjoy your insights into my situation . She's facing criminal charges . She's telling me what she wants in words and I told her but we are saying two different things . I just want my wife to love me the way I loved and love her . Trust would now be a problem as well as commitment ( from changing her mind down the road ) .
Well, she'll get over it. Once you drop the charges all of that changes and she'll have to put on her big girl panties and deal. But, she does still love you. You guys just got really ugly with each other. She had you arrested and escorted out of the house because she needed you to be mad at her so she could justify the wrong she was doing. Don't let her have that weapon. Don't give her reasons or the ability to say "He always fights with me....he's so mean....he's such a jerk.....he's ending my career....blah blah blah." You can take that from her, so do it. Give her nice and wonderful only. Start to chip away at the bad feelings. Let her know the bridges home are not burned or destroyed.
Funny , no member of my family wants me to drop the charges . My sister-in -law told me she would kick my ass if I did . She said after what she has done to me and the way she went about it . She also told me my wife looked down at people ( her education )and was all about $$$$$ . She said your wife had everthing but wanted more .
Do you agree? Does she look down on people? Does she want more? Does she want more and not deserve it? Also remember this: Your family loves YOU first. They don't want to see you get hurt and they think getting rid of her will stop you from getting hurt. That may or may not be true. What's more, they don't have to live with the consequences. You do. If you keep the charges, and you get divorced, are you prepared to live with the outcome? I don't think you are. I think you are right, ABSOLUTELY right to want to create a new relationship with your wife.
For the last 3 years of our marraige ( when she started her Ph.D ) I did notice a change in how she looked at people and comments she made about them . I just can't figure out where the OM comes in .
When it comes to my H's OM and his EA...... I was surprised when I learned after my husband left me to stay with a buddy there was another woman in his life that he had his eye on. She is a co-worker (still works with him) and she is 23. And she's gorgeous. Sucks to be me. I was FURIOUS. I gave him the last however many years of my life, I gave him a beautiful son, I gave up my career for the family......blah blah blah, me me me, I sacraficed, I gave, I am soooooo great and I did EVERYTHING for him. How dare he do this to ME????? Right?????? Well, actually, no, wrong.
This is how my H's EA started, and I think you'll benenfit from this and even relate: I was b***ching at him constantly. I was so mad how absent he was, how neglected I felt. Basically at home all he was hearing was "You suck as a husband. You suck as a father and you're the reason why we are broke." (We have some debt, not horrible, but I made is sound a lot worse to make him feel bad.) Then at work, the stupid OW turns to him one day and says "My boyfriend is trying to dump me. How do I make him love me? How do I save my relationship? This is the guy I want to marry but he's trying to get rid of me!! What do I do?" And now all of a sudden my H is feeling needed and leaned on and looked up to, admired even. She opens up to him about her relationship issues, and he opens up to her. Eventually, the boyfriend does dump her in grand fashion--kicks her out and changes the locks. That same week, my H leaves 100% and only comes home to see our S. So what do I do? At first I explode. Then I get a therapist, I find Divorce Remedy at the bookstore and I Google Michele Weiner Davis and find this site and I get a DB coach. Now, the OW is gone, as is the EA. She has a new boyfriend, plastered all over her Facebook page. I even got a phone call from her apologizing to me once she found out everyone where they work is calling her Homewrecker behind her back. Duh. But I waited it out. I completely let it go and it was probably the most painful thing I've ever done. I knew I could have called her and completely scared the crap out of her. But I didn't and I ended up on top. Recently, my H said to me "Any delusions I had about that are now completely gone." Delusion is right. My situation happened because I made the most important man in my life feel like crap about himself. And this stupid girl made him feel like a champion.
The way I managed to let it go was to really really "Act as If." I acted as if it was already over. I acted as if I were definitely the better choice (and despite all of it, I really held onto my self confidence and I really did/do believe I am the better choice between me and that 23 year old idiot.) You are the better choice too. Hey, here's some hope....I pulled back, listened to my therapist, my DB coach and the friends here and last night, my H came over for dinner, helped me wash the kid and put him to bed then gave me eskimo kisses and a real one and said "Goodnight lovie." The middle of January he said "This marriage--over!" Hang on with me.
