LBS need help and support #2

[faithisbelieving]

W- "No, I don't think we should do that. It would give the kids the wrong idea"

me-"What do you mean?"

W- "I just don't want them to think anything has changed between us."

These are practical comments from your W...as much as they hurt...and she is being open and factual.

me- "Nothing has changed, I'm just suggesting we do something all together because we told the kids we would try and do something as a family once a week."

This is clingy and totally impractical if this ends up in D. Whether she is in MLC or not...or making bad decisions or not...you are failing to see how she feels about you NOW (perhaps better later) and this causes pressure on her. If YOU REALLY NEED TO DO THIS...which I don't recommend you do, you could do what SC mentions above. Simply say that you are doing x,y and z with the kids this weekend and that she is welcome to join you PERIOD. Dragging the kids thru family things when she DOES NOT WANT TO BE THERE is going to have a negative effect on YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.

W- "They're going to have to face it sooner or later"

A true statement and a practical one.

me - "What are you talking about?"

W- "I just don't see us living together any more?"

me - "Ever?"

Song...desperate....sad....fear. Is this what she needs from you?

W - "No, I keep thinking that if something was going to change, it would have by now. I can't deny my feelings, I just don't have those feelings for you any more, and I don't think I ever will"

me - "I can understand that your feelings have changed. I'm also holding on to hope that they will change again"

Baseball bat....wuss and begging/pleading.

W- "They won't, you deserve someone who really loves you."

me- "You know we'll always be connected through the kids, and I won't ever stop loving you."

W- "I can't understand why you do after all I've put you through"

Translated: this guy is totally not in touch with himself or his emotions. He's smothering me and no matter what I say to him he gives me this 'dreck'. She tells you that here. Think song. Why would ANYONE say the above things when they are being treated this way????

W - "I know"

me - "And I'm not asking for any decision or anything. I'm giving you the space you asked for, let's just leave it at that."

W- "whatever"

Bargaining: I'll give you your space, then, you come back to me and love me again. Read her response:

Whatever....

Song...I am sorry. I am not here to hurt your feelings or come across as one of those "well HE'S getting a D so he just wants me to also"

Poppycock.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE THE WAY YOU ARE DOING THIS.

Step outside of yourself for a minute and look at you/the sitch. Would YOU want to be with YOU right now? Would another woman look at this and see attraction?

I am not perfect but would this have been better?

W- "No, I don't think we should do that. It would give the kids the wrong idea"

me-"What do you mean?"

W- "I just don't want them to think anything has changed between us.

W- "They're going to have to face it sooner or later"

You're right. They will and I will grieve the pain they our children will go thru. If you feel strongly about this, then, we will have our family weekends without you. Should you change your mind, you'll be welcome to have fun again.

W- "I just don't see us living together any more?"

W - "No, I keep thinking that if something was going to change, it would have by now. I can't deny my feelings, I just don't have those feelings for you any more, and I don't think I ever will"

I'm sorry you feel that way. Marriage is a choice and if you feel the need to leave it and try and find something better, then the door is open for you to go. I love you enough that I would never deny you your need to explore your feelings.

W- "They won't, you deserve someone who really loves you."

You are right. I DO deserve to be loved as do you.

W- "I can't understand why you do after all I've put you through"

..because I chose to honor my commitment to our marriage and preserve our family. I am willing to give this another try and commit myself 100% if you are willing to do the same. If not, I won't let my spirit be destroyed.

Song...this could have played out thousands of other ways. Some of my responses may 'suck' to other people. My point: I am not saying give up. I am not saying file. I am not saying stop loving her and start dating other women.

What I DO want you to do is BE AWARE that you are still saying things that choke, smother, push, pressure, etc.

Is there a 180 here?

THINK.

THINK.

THINK.

FIB