As long as I focus on my W and try to change her, I feel powerless and inadequate, because I realize time and time again I cannot accomplish anything this way. I then start to feel resentful towards her and probably act accordingly or even worse, I become abusive. Anyone who is treated like that becomes resentful as well, and as an end result our M will go to he!!.
Even though I have known for quite some time, I am now more determined than ever to change myself. And with any luck, something that Gandhi once said becomes true for my M: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
- I read this in another thread and thought it was applicable to you Ed. Read it, think about how it applies to your situation, think about how you are feeling now consumed with thoughts of your wife every second of every minute, think about how much you are getting accomplished, think about your life and what you are using it for now, just sit down & think how everything right now is upside down and none of what you were doing was helping.
I am much better today. You are not going to believe how big of a deal the change thing was. I still am in awe over it. And I don't care how she feels about it, her problem. I am actually over trying to get her back. If it happens right this minute I cant morally take her back just like that any more. I figured it out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. She is not at the end of it. I know you are not going to believe me. Its too quick of a turn around. All I would like now is for the tension to be gone. But that might not happen. She is holding on to too much of the past.
I am ready for what is to come now. I am prepared for what is to come no matter what it is. There are just some things I am not going to change. I have a lot of good things about me. If she could not see them her loss.
I have been exercising a little. Went to bible study. I feel better. Moving on.
Last edited by noedphi; 03/03/0908:26 AM.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
You have so much support here. Robx and so many other people are so right on all of this. I finally read through every post on your sitch. Our issues are really close like you said. The only thing that is different is our living and financial sitch.
I so wish I had received the advice and care given to you a month ago. Things between my W and I may not be different, but I would be in a better spot.
Listen to them as much as you can. I've finally gone dark, wish I had done it earlier. I have to see her today to meet with the mediator and sign the papers. It sucks, but what can I do. If she wants out that bad, and wants to throw away 12 years without even making an effort to salvage the R, she deserves to live without me.
I like the old post about telling her about not being friends. I plan on doing that in about a month or so. I have every intention of not communicating with her about anything for at least that long.
It's time to man up. Screw what she wants bro. Go get what you want. I know you want her back, you said so on my post. I want my W back too. Yet, both of our W's are being totally selfish people right now. Heck, why can't we? Why can't we take care of ourselves? We're so dang hung up on them that's why!
I'm not saying give up..... not by any means. I'm just gonna look after myself in all this. If we wind up Divorced, then that's just how it is. It's gonna happen anyway if we keep pursuing..... right?
I know who that guy was when he was a little cocky and didn't really give a squat. I know you know who he is too. He is Mr. Confidence. Build up your self esteem, stand up for what's yours.... he'll come back bro.
the thing is this, you don't have to mean, resentful, angry or hurtful to the other spouse, in this case your wife.
Let her do what she wants to do because seriously you can't stop her even if you want to.
Control is an illusion, even in your own life, few people have as much control over the things they do and the things that happen to them because controlling your life to that extent requires the kind of discipline that can't be acheived overnight. It requires alot of learning, soul searching, admitting your faults, recognizing those faults, celebrating these weaknesses when you discover them because you know which areas you need to work on to improve you and not to improve you to get your wife back but to improve you to get YOU back: the sane person, the happy person, the person who is strong, the person who is fun and likes to have fun.
Personal development is a life long pursuit, not just a temporary adventure while you're trying to get the girl back.
Become the best person you can be for you and no one else. Take care of yourself, the skin you live in is the only one you're given, make sure you take good care of it.
Once you find yourself again, you will exude attractiveness not only to your spouse or ex-spouse but to yourself and others in your immediate circle of life. They will notice it, they will comment on it, others will notice too.
That is the person your spouse was attracted to before all of these problems transpired. There is no guarantee on anything in this world but you do owe it to yourself to be the best person you can be and realize more of your hidden untapped potential than you currently give yourself credit for.
I recently picked up some new clothes, a wicked great fitting pair of jeans that required no alterations and a decent looking shirt. I liked it so much I wore it out of the change room where I was shopping and told them I would wear it out the store. I paid for my clothes and as I was bending over putting my original duds into the shopping bag I was given, another lady noticed (and she wasn't half bad to look at either) and she asked the cashier if those jeans were purchased in this store, the cashier told her they were and she said "wow, they look really nice". I didn't even turn around even though I heard all of this which was loud enough for my benefit, I knew I looked good, I enjoy looking good, I make it a habit of looking good regularly now and not just for special occasions - it affects my outlook on everything. I look good, I feel good (great actually), and I act happy because I am. Focus on your self-esteem, build it up again because where it is right now is on the ground near your feet and it needs to be about a foot taller than you currently stand. Once your self-esteem is where it needs to be, once you start loving & respecting yourself properly, the actions of others will have less impact on you and even if you are dealt a blow that hurts alot, it won't affect you for days or weeks, maybe you'll be affected for a day or maybe even just a few hours or so. That's when you know you're improving, that's when you know you're taking care of yourself & growing and becoming more confident & attractive again. That's the goal and it's a personal goal, not for anyone's benefit but your own.
When the love of your life has stopped taking care of you and no longer wants to be involved in that part of your life, the only person you are left with is yourself and you realize that you should have been taking care of yourself all along.
Start doing this today. Go out for a walk, read a book, enroll in a course, go shopping, go for a workout, treat yourself to a meal, a new pair of jeans, a new haircut, a phone call from a friend, go out with friends - just do something that starts to re-capture your personal life again.
And doing all of this will allow you to stop focusing on your wife.
you will have setbacks, we all do, realize that we're not perfect and we will fall from time to time.
The problem isn't in falling, the problem is when people don't want to get back up after they fall.
That separates the winners from the losers.
So don't worry if you screw up along the way, if you trip up and say & do something stupid that you think kills your chances with your wife. Just get back up on the horse and continue pressing forward.
I have a lot of good things about me. If she could not see them her loss.
Hi Noedphi,
I'm beginning to feel the same way. So many people see my qualities, except the person I really want to have see them again. It's frustrating, makes me want to throw in the towel.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
don't throw in the towel, just realize that at this point in time they're judgment is clouded by past events and current events that prevent her from seeing any improvements in you or prevent her from commenting on them because it's possible she does see the qualities, she just doesn't want to acknowledge them.
As long as you live your life the right way, make yourself a priority in your life and continue to do those things that make your qualities shine, you're on the right track. Those qualities aren't for anyone's benefit except for you first & foremost.
CushKart, you made me laugh something fierce, LOL!
I'm not a godsend, it's been 17 months of personal discovery to get to where I am right now.
I'm separated. I was originally kicked out a long time ago, I eventually came back when I felt better about myself and only recently (Jan 09) kicked my wife out of the house to go live with her parents. (boundaries & rules, set them, make rules for how people treat you in your life).
My wife & I flip back & forth like light switches on a wall. It is tough for me just like it is tough for you and everyone else. I won't obsess on this though, it won't keep me up @ night like it did before. I sleep better at night now (in my own bed I might add) and I focus on me and my children and being the best parent I can be for them and part of that involves setting a great example for them on how to live life, how to be happy, how to thrive instead of just survive. I want my kids to have the benefit of my wisdom and not have to repeat my mistakes.
If I was a godsend and I was that close to God that he might grant me a few wishes, I would ask him to make my marriage the best one it could possibly be and to help me be the best one I can be.
I'm not that close to God but I should be, every now & then I remember to look up and ask a few questions and say thank you for how things are going thus far. He doesn't place any weight on your shoulders that he isn't confident you can handle. I make sure to honor him by bringing my kids to church/sunday school every sunday (incidentally, something my wife was kind of against because people know about our "situation" and people "talk" LOL!)
I'm not a godsend.
But I am learning.
If I can ask any of you to do anything, it's not to take 17 months of your life to become a man - the growth experience was as painful as it was rewarding. I would want every man to possess these qualities without going through this process because they had a father who was good enough to teach them.
Love your wife/spouse with all of your heart and don't live life guarded in defense, waiting to react to the next attack but also not to let your wife walk all over you like a door mat.
Don't be a door mat, respect & love yourself before attempting to love & respect anyone else.
Today was the first day she took a shower this morning in the other bathroom. Yesterday she said she feels uncomfortable going into my (the master) Bedroom. I am good. She is not. She says she gets maybe 3 hours sleep. She has no privacy. Has to go to a friends house to get some privacy. I am great at work now. I plan to step it up at work. Again shes not home and At her " friends house" to get some privacy? Yes I am worried. But not about who shes with. I am worried she is going to pull some kind of stunt. I keep getting this feeling she is planning something.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
