A Cry for Help & Don't know where to go

[SRTTF]

Mel, Kevin, JD, Polly and everyone else.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I have actually been busy if you can believe it.

OK whats been going on with GAL. As you know my D and I go to an arena near us. She helped work it over the summer and we became close with the owners as we are all the same age. One of my D good friends and her family have horses there also so we have been spending alot of time there. Anyway, they have a cattle sorting league. Both non-buckle class and buckle. My D usually rides and helps do cattle changes as I take pictures. I have had a ton of people ask me about them and if I have a web site. Very very cool. So I am in the process of getting a web site built for the business and we are going to do a slide show on the last day which is on the 14th already. I am very excited about it because I could make some money with selling prints. A few of the people that have asked sell horses and would like pictures to go on their web sites. Also got a booking for graduation pictures out of it. Not too bad for no advertizing yet. My H and I started the business back in 05 but never really did anything with it. Just some really wonderful scenic picks and about 5 weddings and grad pictures. It has all been word of mouth. So anyway you can imagine after I take the pictures which are usually 200 - 300 on those days, it takes me awhile to go through them, fix them and then I do a few creative things with some. I have alot to do still. But I love it and it has been keeping me busy. I have been having alot of fun with the owners and other people that I have met there. Making friends which is also a good thing. My D wants to e-mail a few of her pictures when she has been doing some cattle sorting of her own. She said that she wants to show him how good she has gotten and wonders if he would be proud of her. I told her I am certain he would be proud of her. We both thought that he would really get into going to the arena. By the time we starting doing things there he was already in his own hell.

Next, an update. Also part of moving on with life WITHOUT giving up faith and hope. I have filled out forms for county assistance and am making several changes to make every penny count. Still no word from him. I did talk to 2 friends of ours, the pastor again, his cousin(whom he has always been able to talk to) and his sister. They have all left several msgs for him but he doesn't return the call. Have a question about this.

Why won't he even contact these people,if he is soooooo happy and doesn't regret his decision then why wouldn't he just tell these people that?

a. ashamed and doesn't know what to say
b. doesn't care
c. isn't really as happy as he says

He hasn't seen is daughter yet again. I did do a bad thing and I sent the OW a txt msg here is how it went....

ME "Just wanted to remind you that I am still here and always will be"

I know I shouldn't have done that but I really did feel like a monkey was lifted off of me Well, of course I didn't get a reply and I didn't think I would.

But, over a week later she text me

HER "Why did you feel you needed to text me and tell me that you haven't given up. It would be wrong of me to forget that you are still there and he is still married."

ME "NO what is WRONG is you living/sleeping/dating a married man."

HER "How are you and your D doing?" "I know this is hard and I am sorry"

ME "Still no money"

HER "Thats because he is still filling out paperwork for unemployement, so he has no money"

ME "BS, he started getting unemployment the day he was put on the retention board 3 mths ago. 62.00 a day." "Also, heard that he is still drinking and was seen in a bar"

HER "I know he isn't drinking, you were the reason he was drinking. The only bar he has been at was with me and my friends"

ME "Don't believe me why don't you ask for yourself, some of the people with the RR" "I just wanted to remind you that I haven't given up on our M or on my H" "I will never give up as long as I have faith, hope and God"

HER "Has he contacted you at all. I am with him and that is reality so you can have all the other stuff cuz I have him"

ME "This conversation is over and I AM still his wife"


Ok well I think I did pretty good. I wasn't going to let her get to me. Things still don't add up. Come on "still filling out unemployment paperwork 3 mths later" One of the guys on the RR took a picture of him with his cell phone, the union guy saw it, (I told him I didn't want to see it cuz it would just upset me) He said that it looks like he has lost a ton of weight, eyes are dark and sunkin in, almost all grey hair and very shaggy. I would cut his hair for him every 6 wks or so and he has always been one that looked good no matter what he was doing. The union guy said it didn't look at all like him. I guess the union guy called the pastor (remember they know eachother). I guess the pastor is trying to set something up so he can go there and confront my H. The union guy said we may not be able to wait until he hits bottom or realizes that he needs help. That point may truely be 6 feet under. I guess they were talking about possiably getting the law involved or something of that nature since he is a pro at drinking and driving. If he was arrested or something maybe that would make him wake up.

I just don't understand how it is that at least the OW has got to see the change in him. Then to not be working since he moved there. He is not one to site around doing nothing. He would always either be in the basement messing with wood stuff or playing on the computer at least in the winter.

I just don't understand. I told the union guy that I would rather stay out of it and until he actually has hit bottom which ever way that is, the less I know the better. I have been his target of anger and if I have nothing to do with it then he can't blame me. However, I will be there for him, and I know that it will be a very very hard long road but it is one I am still willing to go down together. I will always be by his side like he was for me when I needed him.

Well that is what has been going on. D has been sick all weekend with a high fever so she is going to the doctor tomorrow. By the way I just got done watching the bachlor. What a f$^&# a@@. I can't believe he did that.

OK thats me being me. Hope you are all doing well and I hope to hear from you all soon.

Love to all new and old.