Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopefulinEG]

Well she was much nicer yesterday.

On Sat night when we went to ice cream with D6 she was really rude and said something snippy. Before I even thought about it I made a face and kind of imitated her head movements. Then I realized and I walked away to go talk to D6. From that point on she was nice. Maybe my doing that made her realize how rude she was being. I don't know but I'm glad she isn't being so snippy anymore, it was hard to just let is slide off all the time.

I did end up asking her if she wanted to ML (I didn't use those words though) and she declined. She was very nice about it and I just said OK and didn't act disappointed and went to back to my room. She didn't act any different after.

I am feeling pretty good today, I feel up to the challenge. I did have some down moments this weekend. I had a good cry on Sunday night and felt much better. I think I should plan on doing that at least once a week to get all those feeling out that built up all week. It makes it so much easier to be optomistic when I let those feelings out.

It is really hard to be patient. I know that it will take a long time, months and months before I might see any improvement but knowing and accepting are different things. I feel like I working so hard to act "AS If" and not reacting to her but knowing that if she were ever to warm up to me it still won't be for months, it is hard to not feel discouraged sometimes.

I guess this is like a 12 step - one day at a time.

I am looking forward to some fun this weekend. W is taking DD to her family about 6 hours away for the weekend and an old friend is coming Sat and staying until Sunday. We are going to go out Sat night and have some fun and then maybe go to a new church on Sun morning I have been wanting to go to but didn't want to go alone. I am also looking forward to some quiet me time. I have a lot of projects I want to work on.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

EG,

You're doing too much pursuing, in my opinion. Little acts of service like the mechanical pencil thing are good. Trying to initiate LMing -- not so good.

In the past week, you've said that her being in a BAD mood is good, and her being nicer is good. I appreciate your optimism, but I would encourage you to not try to "read" her so much -- it's the antithesis of detachment. (For the record, I think the BAD mood = good is generally true, as it shows they are dealing with their issues and it's healthy).

Puppy

[2gthrButApart]

Regarding this commment: They will do whatever it takes to justify their actions...and that does include built up anger. One of things that got me for a loop was my wife bringing home angry from her other relationship and letting it go here. It took a long time for me to realize what it was, but it is there. Another odd thing with her anger was that as I accomplished 180's, especially with my children, she would become very resentful. So with the knowledge from the board I built up an internal wall to help in reacting to these actions.

What about when they are acting very frindly, and we are getting along better than we have in a loooong time. But he still says we are over, and he definitely wants a D?? (We live in the same house, same bed, and he hugs me all nite long???)

[hopefulinEG]

2gthr

I'm not expert so maybe puppy or someone can chime in but I would say you might want to not make things so easy for him. He is getting all the good of your marriage and has no consequences. He also needs to see you move on and that he really doesn't want to lose you. You can work on detaching and GAL and 180. What I have been told is to treat him like a friendly neighbor. You back off and let him come to you if he wants. Don't initiate conversations but listen when he wants to talk. Don't act pouty or rude just occupied. DO NOT discuss your R or D. Find things to do outside of the house.

Read some of the veterans posts in the archive they have such good advice. Especially the Nuggets from veterans and More Nuggets from veterans threads.

[hopefulinEG]

I just had a very encouraging discussion with one of my co-workers. I had asked her about her Divorce a few months ago to see how she dealt with it and how it went. She was the WAW in that situation. She now regrets it and wishes she knew then what she knows now (of course).

So she confirmed all the DB techniques as totally the right thing. She said if her H had backed off and stopped clinging she would have realized her mistake a lot soon but he kept picking and pushing and kept feeding her anger. I told her what I have been doing and she said it is exactly the right thing. I was so glad to hear that from someone I know who has been through it from my W's perspective. Gave some new motivation and hope. =)

[hopefulinEG]

I also realized that I thought about W much less today. I went hours without thinking about her. I realized at one point - Wow I haven't thought about W almost morning. I did think about her some of the afternoon but mostly was able to keep busy and distract myself.

[hopefulinEG]

I entered a lottery pool at work yesterday (220M) and this morning I said jokingly that we are gonna win the lottery tonight.

W - "Since were still married I would get half".
Me - "And I wouldn't care at all anymore."
W - "Yeah you would kick my a$$ out."
Me - "You said it not me."
W - "Andy thinks I'm crazy"
Me - "For what still living here"
W - "Yeah, She says I should move out for 6 months the move back
in. That is what jess did when they broke up and then she
moved back in"
Me - "And then they were friends?".
W - "Yeah, So she thinks I should move out so we can be on our
own and get space from all this. And then move back in"
Me - "And that would accomplish what ? Then we would be friends?"
W - "Yes"
Me - "No, I don't think that is not something I want."

The whole conversation was very nice and even joking for the first part. After I said the last line I went about my business finishing up getting the kids ready.

So I reinforced that just overlooking all this and become good friends is not one of my goals. She knows I want to reconcile but I don't want her to think that she gets to have her cake and eat it too. She doesn't get to just leave me and treat me like crap and then have me be her friend. If she keeps going with this she will not have me in her life any more that absolutely necessary for the kids.

[pollyanna]

Is it not well documented that the WAS can often become the LBS and that usually happens once the original LBS detaches and becomes indifferent?

Doing small acts of service would not be detachment in my books, because that means you noticed what she put in the bin. Indifference would never of noticed what was going on. As a woman I look for small acts like fixing a pencil as a sign of caring and availability and therefore control for me. so let me keep abusing you .....

I would do nothing for her.

[hopefulinEG]

Well I really backslid this morning.

W came in at 7am to tell me OW (EA) had a flat tire and could I watch the kids while she went and fixed it. I didn’t react well and turned around and said fine. She said if it was anyone else you wouldn’t mind watching the kids and I said I don’t mind watching the kids I never mind watching the kids.

While she was gone I calmed down and decided to act “As If” she had just gone to help one of the neighbors and just treat her that way when she got home. When she came home I just went about my business and was balancing the checkbook. We discussed a few things related to bills.

Then she asked me if I was always going to blame OW. I said you obviously don’t understand how I feel about it or you wouldn’t ask me that question. Then she asked what I meant and I said that as far as I’m concerned you had an affair with her and if you were in my position and I had an affair you would feel the exact same way. I do not want to hear about her. She is not a part of my life and if I never see or hear her name again I would be happy. It is the one thing I have asked of you – to not mention her name to me. Say you have to run and errand an can you watch the kids. Say I’m going out with some friends. But don’t talk about her or mention her name to me. I will never be OK with your friendship and I will never want to be her friend. Google Emotional Affair and then tell me you didn’t have one and I walked away

Then she followed me and said I don’t want you to blame OW. I said I don’t blame her. I don’t like her but I don’t blame her. She didn’t have an emotional affair with you, you had one with her and you are still having one. She asked what do I mean and in a very sarcastic voice I said like “Oh she makes me feel so good when I am around her. She makes me feel good about myself and Oh she accepts me 100% for who I am”. Then I said “can you look me in the eye and say you didn’t have an emotional affair”. And of course she said she can and she didn’t have an affair. Then she that saying she didn’t want me to hate OW and I said why do you care. She said because every time I go out or text you think it is OW. And I say why do you care what I think, that is my problem. Because you turn into a bitch because of it. When you found out it was a different friend I was txting you acted totally different. I said “ big part of the reason I get so pissed about your txting is because you txt way to much. In the movies, while we are eating dinner w/ the kids, even while you are driving with all of us in the car. You are a bad example for the kids. If they had had a phone and txt’ed like you to we would never allow it.

Then I said this conversation is not productive and we should stop talking. She said fine and stalked off.

Then I really backslid and asked her to talk again (big no no when I am emotional already) and said if she wanted to move out she shouldn’t worry about the finances. She said but you can’t afford for me to move out. I said the only reason I am not selling the house already is because I don’t want the kids to have to move but they are going to have to move sometime why not now. I can’t remember everything said after that point but the gist was that she now thinks I want her to move out and said to put the house on the market. I walked away. She came into my room and said if you want me to move out I will. I back stepped a little and said she should move out if SHE wanted to. Then she left to take the kids to school. I know I am forgetting some of it but basically I made a big mistake in this conversation this morning.

I pushed her towards the OW
I definitely fueled her anger – which seemed to be getting much better the last week
I made her think I want her to move out and probably made her want to move out.
I criticized her

A lot of damage done this morning.



I hate that I can't keep my cool when it comes to the OW. It is such a huge button for me. I wish she would just stop mentioning her name.

[hopefulinEG]

After I got to work I txt’ed her (ironic since I just said I hate txting) and said “Can we please try not to get into these discussions in the morning?”

W – Fine we do need to talk though. What time will you be home tonight?
Me – Don’t you need to be at survivor at 6:30? What do you think we need to talk about?
W – Yes but we can talk for a few minutes. We need to talk about our living together. We need to find a way to make it work or find a way for you to afford for me to move out.
Me – I’m not sure if I can be home in time to talk. I don’t think 15min is gonna do it. I would suggest we talk after you get home but it will probably be after I go to bed and we should not talk when we are tired.
W – Then when I get back from S. Cal.

I haven’t txt’d her back but I think I will say – That works for me. I think it will give us both time to think.