Well, seeing him as often as I do is great and horrible at the same time. There are moments and times when I just KNOW he and I are going to make it. We're going to create a new relationship, a new marriage. Then there are days when I am not so sure and actually even scared that we are not going to make it. So I just take it day by day and move forward slowly. I know what it is I need to work on for me and of course, there's my sweet son to help me along my way. I was told over and over and often that this would be a long roller coaster ride, and so far, that is 100% accurate.
1.) Going Dark until March 22. a.) The idea is to take this time and build upon my strengths and gauge my weaknesses b.) I wonder what this month will bring to me.
2.) I know that in the past I worry about if A will respond. I fear. This time I am going to try to hope more and try to talk myself out of it.
3.) Pray with gratitude.
4.) Reading 'I Do, Again' is awesome. What I have read so far is that they were divorced for 5 years and still no sign of getting together. a.) I don't feel so bad with our 2 years. HOPE for us. b.) I am so glad that she has had a lot of the same feelings that I have. I think I will write them a letter. c.) Tears stream down my face in reading it.
5.) Mother is being operated on again on Wednesday. a.) I will be staying at parents' house the middle of the week. b.) I like being around them. It helps when I feel lonely.
6.) Work has been good, but morale is down. I think it's the economy. People fear that they could lose their job. Mgmt is getting tough on people.
You sound a lot more focused and calm today. Which is always a good thing. When is the last time you interacted with him? How did it go? You're lucky to have your family close by. Mine are not and you are sooooo right, family helps to ease the heartache. My parents have neighbors who were married, had a son and divorced. Nine years later, they remarry and have three more boys. Everyone thinks their first son is from her first marriage, which is correct but are always surprised with a big smiles when they hear the whole story.
I am a very calm and patient person. I just write my thoughts and feelings here. I express myself in a journal format. My feelings really never change. They only exist in varying degree.
I finished the book, 'I Do, Again'. They remarried after seven years of divorce. It was a terrible emotional rollercoaster ride for the both of them, as you can imagine. I'd love to know the statistics of how many couples get back together after divorcing.
I saw 'A' about 1-1/2 weeks ago. After calling him, I stopped by his work to say 'hi', but it turned out he got very busy. It was good, but not enough. I'm trying to 'mirror' him. So, now I'm 'going dark' again to build on myself and to let him pursue me.
Hi again, you are so lucky that you have a son. We didn't have any children. People always tell me that I am lucky that we didn't have kids. I don't think they really know what they are saying.
I understand rollercoaster rides. I feel confident sometimes and sometimes I just feel frightened inside. I do a lot of talking to myself, journaling, and praying. It's tiring.
Chat soon going to have dinner with parents - shrimp scampi!
Shrimp scampi! Yum!! I agree, I wish for everyone the opportunity to know what it feels like to love a person like you love a child. People say that because they know the difficulty a child of divorce has. Not to say there are no successful people who have divorced parents, but I would guess they would explain it was hard for them. And you are right, I love that kid more than anything. He's been my life since the day he was born. And now he's still my life, but since GALing, that means something different, something better for both of us. Someone here has a signature that says something like "I need to take care of me to take care of my family." Very true. You can do this. You can go dark and mirror.
Hi SLH: The whole divorce thing is awful...but to look at a child that looks at you back with such unconditional love. It is wonderful that he has a terrific, strong, thoughtful, loving mother. It has to be wonderful to look at that face every day and night. It is fantastic that the love that you have to offer is bigger than your husband. I've heard stories when the children become the parents' motivation and reason. You sound like you're an awesome Mom and will continue to be!
You have to read 'I Do, Again'. It will be inspirational to you.
I think I will pick that up tonight. We are supposed to have family night on Thursdays. But to be honest, we see each other every day. I hope I am, an awesome mother. There's really nothing more important to me than that. I can tell you are going to be an amazing mom too. You already know what it feels like to love like a mommy.
1.) Today is my one day off this week. a.) Feeling tired & blue
2.) Conflicted on how to spend the day (pattern) a.) Do I deal with serious, stressful issues that I seem to avoid during my tiring week? b.) Can I get enough energy up to do boring chores (need to do laundry)? c.) Can I get enough energy to take a walk, do some errands? d.) Do I spend money on beauty? e.) I know I need to make a ton of calls, dentist, masseuse.
3.) Feel like I'm losing hope quickly. 'Hope', lately, is like trying to hold water in my hands. It's there for a second, but it shortly drains away.
4.) I'm afraid of going to a local church because my last experience was stressful. a.) I feel that I'm forced to be with 'the community' and 'act happy and hopeful' always. They don't seem to understand why I still get sad. b.) My last church encouraged community (good), but they could not understand how I could feel more lonely in the crowd. To me, it only perpetuated the sad feelings. c.) My last church did not make me feel positive about my prayers for reconciliation with 'A', my 'H'.
5.) I seemed to have come to a stand still. I can't stand the overwhelming feelings. They paralyze me.
6.) Work seems to be easy. It's when I'm alone (which I like) that is my biggest challenge. It's something I want to overcome.
7.) My prayer life is desperate.
8.) It seems too late for me to get angry at 'A'. I did what I believed to be right and faithful in the 'D' process. Maybe God feels that I've done the right thing, but I feel like I've gotten the raw end of the deal. I know what it says in the bible, but I pray for something that will help me hold on, if God wants this to continue for eternity.
9.) I think, I'll start by taking a shower. (12:04 pm)
Alright Girl. SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!! Look at this way, let's say you and A start talking on a regular basis again and starting hanging out, etc.....I promise, feeling this way is not the start of that process! If you feel this way it's going to show and not just to him. Get up, get out and get some for you!!! Go do something for you!! Start GALing RIGHT NOW!! Yes you get to be sad, but you also have to make time for happy. So hop to it.
