Dear Thinker, I believe you are still doing a good job and I know it is hard. Based on all that you have told about things your W has said about wishing she was 15 again and doing things differently and how she reacts to the kids all over her, I still believe she is just sick of the whole thing. I don't think it is just you. I think she is sick of being a mother of three small children and feels old and worn out. I think she yearns to feel young and care free and in love with no responsibilities and where nobody dies with cancer, etc. Of course, this is not reality, but that is the thing right there, she wants to escape her reality and live in a fantasy.
I remember wanting to scream at my H and tell him that I was sick of him and of everything about him. I could not stand to be in the room with him and the more involved in the EA I became, the worse I felt toward my H and my life. I wanted to run away. I wanted to escape and to start another life all over again.
I am sure your wife loves her children, but she is worn out and she is going through some major emotional stuff that needs attention. It is this sort of thing that women need help to get through a crisis in their life and don't know how to talk about it to the ordinary person b/c they don't understand what is happening. That is why most need a professional to help guide them, but unless they are willing to seek professional help, then your hands are tied. Most W's are not going to listen to their H's when they are in this emotional condition. I can tell you she is hurting and she is trying to find something to make the hurting stop, but she will not turn to you b/c she sees you as the biggest part of the problem. I am so sorry to say these hard things to you but you need to know it.
I pray that she will have professional guidance to help her through the ordeal with her mother and the cancer, the unfulfillment she has as a mother and the excitement she is seeking in love. Whatever is the base of her problem, I hope that is can be healed and she will once again see the man she fell in love with and have a desire to be a mother to those children instead of wanting to be a teenager again. When a woman is focused on wanting what is impossible, it is not healthy.....and of course, that is certainly impossible.
For you, it is hell having to watch her go through all of this. You are helpless. You really cannot help her and you have to face those facts. The only thing you can do is where the children are concerned and do all you can do to help there. The other thing is to do what you have been doing.......focusing on you and re-inventing yourself. It has been proven time after time, that if it is not done for YOU, and you are doing it for HER, it will fail. It has to be for you. It must be for YOU! No other way will work.
I realize getting your attention and focus off of her and thinking about yourself and your life sounds self centered, but for now, it is actually a time of healing b/c you need that very much.
Make personal goals......a few at a time. Make some short term and some long term and keep a journal of how you are doing. Make it interesting. Talk to us about them.
Keep posting and keep encouraging others. It helps to keep yourself encouraged.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I should have added what you were thinking as I wrote that post......."What are you suppose to do about all of this she is going through"? As long as you love her and want to make the M work, then be there on the sidelines so she knows where to find you. Be a big part of the children's lives. If she turns to you where her mom is concerned, be as much comfort as she will allow you to be, however, expect almost any type of reaction or emotion to come from her. All you can do is be close by if she choses to turn to you. It will be hard not to cave in to your feelings during those times...."if" she does turn to you, but try to remain strong and rational b/c she probably won't be. She is so young to have all this on her. I could not have handled what she has at 23. I would have been a basket case with three kids, much less all the other stuff. I pray that things will take a positive turn soon.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just a point of clarification. My W is 37, not 23 - its just that when I commented that I would never want to be 15 again, she said "OK, not 15, but 23."
I agree with you though, she is sick of being responsible, misses her father, is worried sick about her mom, and I think would really like to go back to being a child rather than a parent. I really can't do anything about it. She is getting IC, but I am not sure how much it is helping. I know I am working hard between sessions - peeling back and looking inward. The C that she is going to is a very good listener, but does not really challenge you, give you homework, etc. so it would be possible for her to go, vent, cry, and never really painfully look inward.
As for me, I have realized (through IC, introspection, and reading) that although I am a smart, successful, etc person, I really suffer from inadequacy and fear of abandonment that I believe stem back to my father being killed when I was 1 1/2 (Vietnam) and my mother (in dealing her loss) not really being available for me. It is a wound that I never before though hurt, but now realize that is still extremely painful. This and the neediness that go along with it are my own demons that I have deal with.
This is also probably why I was attracted to someone with a few problems of her own...
I'll post more about my GAL in a future post. It's going pretty well. A friend and I tentatively agreed to run a (short) triathlon together this summer to give us a goal. Now we just need to pick one and commit.
Last edited by Thinker; 03/02/0910:04 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Oh, I have been getting people's ages mixed up here lately.
Well, that is frustrating about the IC when they just sit there and listen and don't do anything to help! Anybody can sit and listen, right? It sounds like she may need to see into finding somebody that will do more for her b/c I think she needs some serious assistance before she goes over the edge. I think she has had all she can take. Even if she isn't 23, having three kids hanging on to you and going through what she has with her parents is too much for most people. Adding the M problems to that, and you've got a tragedy waiting to happen. Not trying to scare you, but I feel the urgency to get help ASAP! I don't know if she will accept it from "you" or not since she has hard feelings toward you, but somebody needs to try to get her to somebody soon. Her only way of handling this is escape, but the escape route she is taking is not working, so she may look for another means of escape, which could be a number of avenues, but none good. I'm afraid of how desparate she will soon become and how she will respond to that desparation. Maybe I'm selling her short and she may be much stronger than I'm giving her credit for. But she has been through a lot and is still going through it. Maybe I've asked this before, but is there anyone that could help with the kids to give her some relief there? I know they feel needy toward her b/c of them all on her at once and calling out to her, but if they had somebody they felt comfortable with and safe with......it might help her out a bit. I think I asked you about your folks.....I better go back and read the posts again.....I'm forgetting things..... Anyway, even if I forget, I do care and wish I knew the answers to your problems. I do see it as serious and don't mean to sound over dramatic, but think it needs to be seen as it is.
Please stay in touch as often as you can b/c I do care a lot and will keep you in my prayers.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Unfortunately, my parents live between 3 and 4 hours away (depending on traffic) so that doesn't help too much. Fortunately, I work from home, and the oldest 2 are in school at least some part of the day, so my W gets a break now and then during the day because she can leave them home with me. I agree, however, that she really needs a BREAK - a while away from the kids.
I do think the C is pretty good - at least not destructive - but I do wish she was going to someone more structured or proactive. On the other hand, at least she is going, and maybe she would just run from someone more aggressive.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
One of my W's friends just came by our house and when she saw me she exclaimed loudly (in front of my W) "Hey, you're looking great! Nice Beard! Very Sexy!"
It made me happy. My W said nothing...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
One of my W's friends just came by our house and when she saw me she exclaimed loudly (in front of my W) "Hey, you're looking great! Nice Beard! Very Sexy!"
It made me happy. My W said nothing...
It's great that you are getting noticed for your efforts - who ever it comes from. For me these last 18 months, I have not gotten much from my W in this category, but a nice, albeit strange, compliment from her best girlfriend. Commenting to my W on all the changes I have made, personal growth and relationship learning, she said "who ever ends up with him is going to be one lucky b*tch."
It's amazing how one minute you can feel strong and detached, and then the next minute something happens and you feel all desperate and clingy again.
I did feel pretty strong over the past few days - repeating my mantra - "I can't control. She will do as she chooses and I can only focus on myself. I'll be strong and happy no matter what the outcome. etc" I was really feeling pretty good and relatively independent and carefree.
But as someone else (I think it was NewMe) said, it is easy to do that when you think or convince yourself that things are going your way. You are only truly detached when you feel the same way when things are not going well or go backwards.
My W went shopping earlier and came back from the pharmacy with a card which she left on the table on a pile of her stuff. Of course, I snooped and looked at the card (had to take it out of the bag). It was a flirty card which in my mind you would only give to someone of the opposite sex (punchline was something like "Can I help you relax?"). Then she disappeared for a few minutes taking the card with her. I'm sure she went and delivered it to OM - left it on his car, etc. She is obviously afraid that I am watching her emails etc and is staying away from those, but is still addicted and trying to keep something going. Don't know if he is reciprocating or not.
I have "Known" all along that she would not give up easily and quickly and that my exposing it would only make her try to hide it, but one can always hope.
Of course, now that I have been reminded of my true sitch, I am once again feeling desperate, clingy, controlling, etc etc.
I felt bad because while she was out (and I saw that the card was gone and knew what was happening) my sons were interrupting me and I lashed out at them. They don't deserve that.
I really need to work on detaching more, but am finding it really really really hard.
I just finished "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and can really see myself there - all the way back to my early childhood. The little boy inside is still trying to be loved and get his needs met by focusing on making someone else (the woman in his life) happy.
Last edited by Thinker; 03/03/0909:49 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Anyway, even if I forget, I do care and wish I knew the answers to your problems. I do see it as serious and don't mean to sound over dramatic, but think it needs to be seen as it is. 