Just detach. Yeah it is hard, but think of it like it is something that has to be done in order to improve your M and give your W space. She seems to want to draw you into an argument each time you do speak, and nothing is being resolved except her resolve to continue her EA/PA with the other guy.
Look at it from this perspective: Your M is in trouble. You can make two choices to affect what happens:
1. Detach and give your W a chance to resolve her issues. 2. Continue biting the hook and push her towards D.
#1 is going to be a heck of a lot easier when you start having respect for yourself. #2 is always easy - but the right decisions rarely are. It is easy for her to go to OM, and hard for her to come to you.
No reason to make it harder than it has to be by continuing the pressure. All you are doing is pushing her further and further away.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Okay, well......hummmmm. Can you email her and say that you know that she is upset and that you feel really bad that you called her and made matters worse. But when you saw her crying, it was just a "natural" response to want to check on her. (Don't say anything about b/c it was the fact you are her H or anything along those lines.) Then say that you know that plans had been to go out to dinner tonight but you feel that things would be strained under the circumstances and does she think a rain check would be best? I would add that you want to keep the MC appointment and hope that she will also.
I would be very careful and not apologize for anything, or say anything about the OM or what happened with him and the job. If she should phone you back and you can tell she is still angry, be very gentle but not whimpy (if you know what I mean). Don't start saying you are sorry, etc., but don't join in with anger words, either. This will take strength to not get into the discussion and just let her do the talking. If she starts blowing her stack......I think this time, it might be good to allow her to do that and just let her get all that anger out of her system and then maybe tomorrow at the MC's, she will be calmer and things can move along better. I would not interrupt her or try to reason with her if she blows a gasket. Just let her blow off steam. When she winds down, then just say as few words as possible....like....."okay, well, I guess I'll see you at the MC tomorrow then" or however the conversation ends....you'll know better what to say. If she says anything about you NOT saying something more at this time, tell her that if you say ANYTHING, it will just add fuel to the fire and you don't want to do that. If she accuses you of getting OM fired or whatever, don't lie to her, but don't say anymore than you absolutely have to. Maybe tell her that her dad needs to be the one to talk to and not you (I'm not sure about that.) The purpose of even staying on the phone is to give her time to let off the steam.
I hope everything will go okay and I'll be anxious to hear. You are in a tight spot and I'm not sure what words to say under these circumstances. I just know not to get into a fight and I know she needs time to cool down and that is why I think calling off tonight's dinner would be in order. But be careful how you go about wording things.......
Let me know how it goes.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She called me to say D dance wasn't until 7:00 now and that I needed to pick up S at bball practice at 5:30. She said that it was best for us to go our own ways tonight but wanted to make sure to see D tonight after dance. I didn't say this, but DUH! I miss the kids terribly and I will for sure stay to see her. Forgot to say this last night, but W sent me text that D lost a tooth last night. That really made me feel like crap that I wasn't there to share that.
Anyway, we didn't talk about OM deal or about R except to she said that she is trying really hard to put her differences with me aside in order to get along better and not be so angry and said I probably needed to do that too. Not sure if that is a good sign or not. And MC is still on for tomorrow.
Also heard her talking to her divorced friend who married way up the second time and I think is filling her full of crap. I don't trust that girl at all, period. She is the one who let W use her computer to make resume for OM so I wouldn't see it on our computer.
Anyway, this is way longer than I meant for it to be. Thank you Sandi and DCBHM for the advice and just reading my rants. Off to get S and have fun!
Well W was not good tonight. She was very distant, didn't really say anything to me. I went upstairs with D to lay with her in bed and we watched TV for about 15 minutes and talked about her day and weekend. Then tucked her in and said good night. She asked me to have W come up and give her hug. Went downstairs and of course bedroom door was closed. Knocked and went in and said D wanted her to give hug/kiss and she went up. Then got pissed that I was leaving. Said I needed to stay until D went to sleep (which is probably true) but I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted and have 20 minute drive to my home. Then I went back upstairs to do it and W got in the bed and said its ok sarcastically. I really don't know if I even want to try any more. She is so distant, not anything like the woman I have loved for so many years. She is different, changed and I know that I do not like the changes. I pray every morning and night that she will wake up out of this funk and be the woman I knew and loved, but I am starting to give up hope. Just a bad night I guess and I am so drained. Maybe tomorrow will be better in MC, but I kind of doubt it right now.
Only you know when it isn't worth it. Just try to detach as much as you can, so that your W's mood doesn't have a hold on you. Because if you stay too invested in the roller coaster, it'll take its toll on you and you won't be able to do anything about it when she does clear up because then you will have given up.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Good Morning RFan I'm pretty new here myself and while it sucks to be a part of this club, I do love it here. Already I've made some great friends. (It's weird to have friends and you have no idea what they look like!) You and I have a lot in common. The end of my marriage with my H was brought on because of how vicious I could be verbally. After our S was born (S will be 3 in April) H was gone more than I wanted him to be. He has lots of outside the house hobbies and things to do. While I was breast feeding, he took advantage and went to do his own thing. I dealt with it expecting it to change once the breast feeding stopped. It didn't and things just got bad. He would stay away, I would complain and nag, so he'd stay away more, so I would complain more....vicious circle continues, etc. But I'm DBing my A$$ off here. I've gotten lots of great advice. Not sure if you have considered a DB Coach, but I got one and it's worth EVERY penny. I also have my therapist who is probably the main reason I haven't gone postal. It sounds to me like your W does still love you and I think she has every intention of staying in this marriage but for now, because she hasn't really had the chance to experience life beyond you, she's taking this opportunity. Maybe if you showed her this OM/EA has run its course or YOU are done, she'll end it....???? Not really sure. How are you feeling right now? Here are your options: Annoyed Underminded and out of control Inadequate, depressed and hopeless Wounded with a desire to retaliate
And if you are feeling all four, rank them.
As far as the OM in the EA, are you surprised this has happened? I mean, really surprised? I was. I was surprised when I learned after my husband left me to stay with a buddy there was another woman in his life that he had his eye on. She is a co-worker (still works with him) and she is 23. And she's gorgeous. Sucks to be me. I was FURIOUS. I gave him the last however many years of my life, I gave him a beautiful son, I gave up my career for the family......blah blah blah, me me me, I sacraficed, I gave, I am soooooo great and I did EVERYTHING for him. How dare he do this to ME????? Right?????? Well, actually, no, wrong.
This is how my H's EA started, and I think you'll benenfit from this and even relate: I was b***ching at him constantly. I was so mad how absent he was, how neglected I felt. Basically at home all he was hearing was "You suck as a husband. You suck as a father and you're the reason why we are broke." (We have some debt, not horrible, but I made is sound a lot worse to make him feel bad.) Then at work, the stupid OW turns to him one day and says "My boyfriend is trying to dump me. How do I make him love me? How do I save my relationship? This is the guy I want to marry but he's trying to get rid of me!! What do I do?" And now all of a sudden my H is feeling needed and leaned on and looked up to, admired even. She opens up to him about her relationship issues, and he opens up to her. Eventually, the boyfriend does dump her in grand fashion--kicks her out and changes the locks. That same week, my H leaves 100% and only comes home to see our S. So what do I do? At first I explode. Then I get a therapist, I find Divorce Remedy at the bookstore and I Google Michele Weiner Davis and find this site and I get a DB coach. Now, the OW is gone, as is the EA. She has a new boyfriend, plastered all over her Facebook page. I even got a phone call from her apologizing to me once she found out everyone where they work is calling her Homewrecker behind her back. Duh. But I waited it out. I completely let it go and it was probably the most painful thing I've ever done. I knew I could have called her and completely scared the crap out of her. But I didn't and I ended up on top. Recently, my H said to me "Any delusions I had about that are now completely gone." Delusion is right. But you are going to have to let your W figure it out. And it's simple. Why would a woman her age, with two beautiful children want to really bother with another kid? She doesn't. But it all started because you made her feel like crap about herself. And he makes her feel great. He needs her, idiot can't even put together a resume or get to work on time. My situation happened because I made the most important man in my life feel like crap about himself. And this stupid girl made him feel like a champion. Let it all play out. It will. Sooner than later, your W will see this kid is just that....a kid. In my situation, my H realized this girl is just a girl--and a dramatic one at that. The irony was that he once told me about our relationship and why he left: "I need less drama." Well, this girl and her ex-boyfriend can't get cell phone insurance coverage because during their two year relationship they destroyed 7 cell phones by throwing them into toilets, hammering them and whatever else you can do to destroy an expensive electronic item. She also broke out windows when the ex locked her out of their house. She filed numerous restraining orders, as did the ex. They would leave the other stranded at 2 in the morning because the other may have spoken to someone of the opposite sex during the evening out drinking. If they didn't go out together, at the end of the night they would hand each other their cell phones to see who called or texted the other one. Basically, lots of trust in the relationship. Sooner than later, your W is going to realize what my H did: Yes this person is young and represents another time in life--one that is more carefree, but this person is an idiot. Not because they're really an idiot, but because they are too young to know better. This person cannot offer me or anyone anything just yet. The way I managed to let it go was to really really "Act as If." I acted as if it was already over. I acted as if I were definitely the better choice (and despite all of it, I really held onto my self confidence and I really did/do believe I am the better choice between me and that 23 year old idiot.) You are the better choice too. She knows it, you know it, the OM (idiot) knows it and so does everyone who knows about that situation. You can so do this. I'm DBing my A$$ off and you can DB your A$$ off and Sandi and the rest of the DB crew will cheer you on. You can so do this. Hey, here's some hope....I pulled back, listened to my therapist, my DB coach and the friends here and last night, my H came over for dinner, helped me wash the kid and put him to bed then gave me eskimo kisses and a real one and said "Goodnight lovie." The middle of January he said "This marriage--over!" Hang on with me.
Thanks for the advice and to answer your question on how I feel right now:
Annoyed - 3 Underminded and out of control - 1 Inadequate, depressed and hopeless - 2 Wounded with a desire to retaliate - 4 Confused - 1A
It just seems to me that she is getting worse and she is backing off faster and easier than I am. We haven't spoken or texted today after what happened last night. Not sure what to think. I hope she ends up going to MC in a couple of hours, but not so sure that she will.
I am really trying to GAL and do things for myself, but everything reminds me of her. Even working out since that has been such an issue for us in our marriage, but I am doing this for me and if it helps us, then that is the cherry on top.
Also, Still - your last part does give me hope. I dream of things like that every night!
I am ready for MC, dressed nice, cologne, and ready to bring PMA Wish me luck!
Wish me luck!