WAW Affair Confirmed - Advice?

[Phoenixdeux]

I think you are doing well. I hope you aren't talking to brother-in-law anymore. In-laws are more trouble than they are worth when it comes to this. I wager that your wife is too much in la la land to care much about your sons. Doesn't mean she wouldn't eventually care if she came back around. I wouldn't mind putting a fist in your neighbor's "stink eye".

[DCBHM]

I think you are doing well. I hope you aren't talking to brother-in-law anymore. In-laws are more trouble than they are worth when it comes to this. I wager that your wife is too much in la la land to care much about your sons. Doesn't mean she wouldn't eventually care if she came back around. I wouldn't mind putting a fist in your neighbor's "stink eye".

Yeah I've decided to cut that out. No longer constructive. He isn't being very open or forthcoming about what he's learning in any event, seems more interested in fishing for information on me.

WAW seems to be intent on destroying whatever relationship existed with me and her family. I was over there every weekend last year, calling m.i.l. every day after f.i.l. passed away, and basically being the model s.i.l. helping with everything they needed - W hates that and is doing her best to destroy that relationship. She said earlier in our S that she wanted me to leave her family alone.

Neighbor's father waved at me a few minutes ago actually. I waved back... seriously - he allows the b.s. to go on under his roof. Not sure why he wants to be neighborly now.

I guess they are all surprised I went to the lengths I did to catch W. Last time I spoke to her about A, she denied it up and down and I just left it. Nothing I can do really, and ultimately it will come out through this legal process.

I'm working on a PMA, and looking to the future. I'll continue updating, and appreciate any input anyone has.

[DCBHM]

On a personal note (and isn't it all) I find it appalling how easy it is for W to just take a match and lighter fluid to all the respect, trust, etc. she built up among my family the past 5 years. My Grandmother gave her some jewelry that belonged to her own mother, my aunt always bought new outfits, etc. for her every time they went shopping, and when we drove to visit - they were always shopping buddies and had a great time running the malls together.

Now, W acts like she could care less, doesn't want them to ever see D(1), and is basically just being a controlling manipulative piece of trash. It does make it so much easier to detach, but the more this goes on the less I'm going to want the M back.

Most likely outcome if she doesn't come back to me with true remorse and horror at her own actions is that we fight this through and I don't even want to be her friend. She should be ashamed.

[sandi2]

I'm no authority here, but have a few words to say. First of all, as some others have already pointed out....do NOT trust her family of her in-laws to stick by you before they do her. Don't tip your hand at anything. Second of all, what does your Pastor think about her change of behavior? Did he know her before she had the baby and her dad passed away? Are you concerned about what she may do when all of this is over......if she has a metal problem? I am just wondering about what you said how she reacted to her friends death and tried to kill herself, or does she always act that dramatic about everything? Didn't that seem odd for a Christian to want to cut her wrists? I am trying to put it all together and why she changed so suddenly after her baby was born and the death of her father. If depression runs in the family or if she has had a problem with it during her life.....it seems to me that she is walking on dangerous ground. I would be concerned that she would have a complete mental breakdown. I know that you must protect your children first of all, and I am not finding fault with what you are doing. Just kind of thinking out loud. Was she ever diagnosed with postpartum depression? If she had that on top of losing her father, that could have really messed her mind up. Depression is a terrible thing. Suffering the loss of a loved one is terrible. Postpartum depression is awful, but if you put all of those together, you need a doctor and a Pastor in a serious way, fast. I did not see where you mentioned if she had received any medical help after the birth of the baby of the loss of her father, so I wondered how she dealth with the depression after you said what you did about her friend and her reaction to that.

Anyway, best of luck to you. Wish I could help.

Sandi

[DCBHM]

Well, she refuses to ask her doctors about it, and her mother refuses to admit there is a problem or that there could be a problem. When I told her mom I knew about her cutting her wrists, etc. back in high school her mom said "That's just what kids do nowadays."

My wife went to her OBGYN recently, but that was just for her regular checkup. I asked if she'd been screened for depression and she acted like her blood work was enough. I told her there wasn't a blood test, that she'd need to talk to someone professional about it.

And yes, the pastor knows her because she works at the church and has since 2005. The pastor is honestly surprised at what I've told him, but she puts on a completely different face at work. She acts happy, etc. - but then around me or when she sees my boys she acts depressing.

I've been told "I don't have post-partum depression and I wish you'd quit saying it." multiple times by W. I told her that she definitely has acted depressed and she says "If I am depressed it is because of you." I try saying well if she is depressed I want to see her get whatever help she needs and I'll support her 100% - but she just blows me off.

Her mom is like an ostrich, she just sticks her head in the sand and wants to ignore any problems. W says she wants a divorce so m.i.l. cuts a check and throws up her arms and says it is the lawyer's problem now. W is the perfect wife and I'm a horrible husband, etc. so I'm not getting any help from her family at all.

They are more interested in 'protecting' her from having her problems exposed than actually solving her problems.

[sandi2]

I can see why you would not get any help for her relatives (even in-laws) b/c they have to live with the family and her even if they think you are telling the truth. Plus, they are embarrased for the family "name" if it gets out about her actions. I know how it is to be "associated" by the family name and embarrased about something they have done, so it isn't something too many people will stand by the side of you (the outsider, so to speak) and go against her.

I also had depression after my first baby was born and tried to leave my H when she was about a year old. I did not realize what it was, but like your wife, I blamed it all on my H. I knew I wasn't happy, but I thought it was b/c of him. It can last a lot longer than I realized.

I know you have a lot of anger and I don't think anyone blames you, but I am wondering if you really want this woman back for your wife, even if she were to make things right. Do you believe that you still love her and could feel the way you should toward her after all that has been done? What goes down in that courtroom will probably destroy any hopes of a future between the two of you. Understand.....I certainly do not blame you for trying to get custody of your little girl.

If things go in your favor, I think I would move out of that neighborhood! I hate that things have to get so ugly, but it seems that it will go that way unless you can make her believe you have enough proof to shame her family b/c of her wayward behavior......plus lose custody of her daughter. Anyway, sure hope that it will turn out okay. I feel so sorry for your sons. I know a young man who experienced something like that and it was not good. You would do wise to get the Pastor to talk to them, or a counselor.

Take care,
Sandi

[DCBHM]

I'm actually the only person in my family who feels sorry for her. I have sympathy, but ultimately each day that goes by hardens my heart a bit more. No matter how detached I am emotionally, I'm ultimately willing to go all out for my daughter.

I'll never let W come back to that home. And she's going to have to do an awful lot of convincing for me to take her back. I'm not sitting here with open arms. I'm also trying not to be judgmental, and get us to a place where we can go into counseling and discuss the issues. If she isn't remorseful - I'm done. If she is - I'll listen, but I can't promise I'd want her back.

I just know she's going to "come out of it" at some point and feel horrible. But I just don't know how long that will take.

[DCBHM]

As to why I'm not extremely angry at her, W was the sweetest, nicest, etc. person in the world until having D(1). Her father died, and she shed maybe a single tear the entire time through the funeral, etc. She was always the type of person to wear her heart on her sleeve, and to see her reacting without emotion was hurtful then.

Then she got mixed up with OM, basically blamed everything in the world on me, and in some respects, although she never said it, it felt like she blamed her father's death on me.

Of course I rolled along oblivious to everything that was right in front of me, and even watched D(1) so she could go hang out next door. I basically enabled it. The "bomb" came about when I actually confronted her after seeing him sneaking out the back of the house. All of a sudden she was caught and wanted to exit.

I guess she figured the D talk would scare me, but every time she said something more outrageous I'd up the ante myself. So we ended up in court a lot quicker than we would have if I'd started backing off initially.

Now that she knows I've got evidence, all the accusations, etc. are flying like crazy. I'm pulling back and detaching and haven't really thought about too much of the emotional angle today. I'm still waking at odd hours of the night, and I've lost a ton of weight, but I look healthier now than I did at the beginning.

Not only did I have to deal with the whirlwind of emotions, I was just starting a new semester of night classes, had to find a short notice babysitter, had to change my whole schedule/routine, etc.

I do love who she was. I don't love who she is. I guess I'm mourning the wife I lost... I'm sticking to DB principles regardless, because if there is any hope whatsoever it is LRT/GAL/etc.

I saw her this morning when I was leaving from seeing D(1). She didn't even look at me, just stared down. I'm on day 9 of LRT/Dim and she hasn't initiated much more than usual... just the additional crap on text messages.

Trying not to get caught up in analyzing the little details. Just going to wait it out and see what things look like in a few months.

I will stay faithful to my M regardless of what she's doing. Although, I haven't worn my wedding ring since... maybe 7 days ago. I wore it for a few days, then took it off. One of those things...

Anyway, I'm drifting. Let me know if any of you have advice.

[sandi2]

I am not defending her A one bit, but doesn't this seem odd when you see your own words putting this sentence together?

As to why I'm not extremely angry at her, W was the sweetest, nicest, etc. person in the world until having D(1). Her father died, and she shed maybe a single tear the entire time through the funeral, etc. She was always the type of person to wear her heart on her sleeve, and to see her reacting without emotion was hurtful then.

Then she got mixed up with OM, basically blamed everything in the world on me, and in some respects, although she never said it, it felt like she blamed her father's death on me.

I have been to a lot of funerals and if there is one thing I have noticed about people--it is the fact that they don't always react to the death of a family member like you expect them to. Look how she reacted to losing her friend back in school and yet when her own father dies, she hardly sheds a tear? Unless she could not stand the ground he walked on, I would say she was in denial or shock and the grief came out in different stages. Anger is one of those stages we go through. Usually we are just mad b/c our loved one died but who do you take it out on.....they are gone and if you get mad at them, how are you going to show it? If you are mad at God, how are you going to show it? Usually by lashing out at the one closest to you. You said it yourself, she chaged after her D was born and her father died. She needs professional help, and I personally think more than just a "counselor". I believe she was looking for anything to stop the pain, even if it meant taking risks with another man, b/c the way she probably saw things, you were not helping her by preventing the pain she was having to experience. She may not feel that she has anyone she can turn to for help.

But, let's say that she never had the baby and that her father never died. How was things then? You said she was great, but how about you? How was the MR? Do you blame yourself any at all for the breakdown in the M? If you don't and you keep all this anger against her, then you are going to end up with some bad problems yourself. You can tell yourself all day long that you are fine, but when you say she is going to have to feel remorseful and things of that nature before she comes back home.....it concernes me. She may not feel that remorse if you act all high and mighty and never accept any part of any of the problems in the R. That is how my H acted and in fact he went so far as to say he had never done anything wrong! I had to do a lot of praying before I could get my own heart right with God and to even feel remorse when my H was acting holier than thou. You see, he may not have had an EA, but he most certainly did do a huge amount of contribution to the breakdown in our MR. So, I'm asking you......what part did you contribute to the breakdown.....or are you saying that it is all her fault?

Sandi

[DCBHM]

Oh I've been very good about accepting blame for "my part" in the breakdown. It does take two, and I'm not trying to pretend like I didn't play a part. I told her I wish I'd known what to do, I would have taken off a semester of school, I'd have done a lot of things differently if I could.

I told her I didn't support her enough around the house, that our routine basically stayed the same because I thought that would help keeping a routine.

Sure... always willing to say my mea culpas and take blame for my part. I'm not going to take 'all' the blame like she wants, and I don't expect her to take 'all' the blame.

When i speak of what she was doing... I'm really not angry. I'm just pointing out what happened. I'm trying not to be judgmental, I'm just sort of pointing out what occurred.

I did a lot of good things during this period - but those are being ignored. That hurts, but I'm trying to understand that she isn't herself.

So basically I'm just detaching, letting her work it out, and I'm going to see how I feel down the road if/when she decides she made a mistake.

Believe me... there are all kinds of crazy things she was doing I can talk about - but I'm just venting, I'm not focusing on just her contributions.