Walk Away German Wife (WAGW)

[smith18]

I wonder if she feels living here makes her miserable because of the culture differences and crappy weather, or if it is really because of the responsibility she must take in raising a family and dealing with problems related to family.

It sounds like she is uncertain as to what she really wants - hence the mood swings.

[PortlandDad]

I agree KK, she is very conflicted right now.

She has now asked me twice in as many days what I want her to do. I have said both times that she is an adult and that I won't tell her what to do. I'm not sure if she is trying to trap me into saying that that I want her to stay, or if she really is looking for guidance from me. I tend to think the former just because she knows how I feel about the separation and she knows that the kids really miss her.

Another good thing is that any and all talk of a D is completely gone. In fact, she says that she doesn't want a D at all. Naturally there is the "tiny" problem of her fantasy life in Germany and that she is still in full WAW/MLC mode.

One (admittedly nice) problem I am having is making my 180's stick when she is around. Strong, confident, and independent is what I am shooting for, but then she gets sick, or starts crying and asks for me to hold her and I just totally cave and give her what she wants. I have never been able to deny her my affection when she asked for it (well, maybe on a few occasions years ago).

I have told her and promised her that I will move back to Germany with her when the kids are grown (~6 years or so) and that I will take classes and read books and such in the meantime to build my language skills. The remorse and guilt are really starting to affect her and I know her resolve is wavering.

[PortlandDad]

It's been a few days and I wanted to update my sitch. I wish I could say it has been a great week but it wasn't.

On Wednesday, my MIL and I were snooping in my W e-mail (my MIL and W are pretty ignorant of e-security). I discovered that she is still writing to the OM (as of a week ago), and she is apparently now a good friend of his sister. His sister wanted her to bring back some rare american shampoo and conditioner and some items from Barnes and Noble. Also, once she touched down in the USA, she started spending money again: she spent over 1000 online for clothes and other stuff. Then she bought a refrigerator for her apartment for 1200 from amazon.de.

I had enough at that point. I went to the bank and closed our old account and opened my own checking account. I had her removed from our credit cards where I am the principle, and removed myself from cards that she is the principle. Our finances are now separated. She has a personal card that I know is maxed (12,000 limit) because the charge for the fridge was initially declined on it.

I confronted her Wednesday night with the evidence of her continued correspondence with the OM and his sister and that I had separated our monies and she went beserk! She broke a glass and started slashing her arms (one of the slashes looked deep enough to warrant stitches, but she didn't want to go to the ER). She totally lost it! Her and my MIL then left with a cab for a motel, and she has been staying there ever since. She did come back when I was at work on Thursday to pick up the expedition. She says that she took it to a dealer and sold it, although she didn't say how much she got for it.

She wants me to bring the kids over on Sunday (Their return flight is Monday) to say goodbye to them, but I don't know about that. My daughter and middle boy don't even want to see her again.

From the standpoint of my mental health, though, I feel fine. Seeing her for exactly what she has become (a money-grubbing cheat and liar) has done wonders to help me detach.

At this point, I don't think there is anything that can prevent a divorce. In fact, I went to a lawyer and am going to have her served when she returns to Germany. Her cake-eating days (thanks for that expression KK) are over; she is going to get a cold dose of reality. My kids and I are not going to fund her lying, cheating, fantasy life any longer.

She called late last night to see how everyone was doing. She wanted to talk about the M, said that we were still M and wanted to defend the reasons she is feeling along and hurting. I wasn't rude or anything, but I was very indifferent with her. She almost sounded apologetic, but I think it was desperation talking. She said she would call back on Saturday, but I'm not waiting around on her.

Yesterday I felt so good! It felt like a weight had been lifted from me. The things that I could reliably think about to make me bawl didn't even get me misty.

I suppose I should apologize to the people who have been following my sitch and who have been rooting for me to save my marriage. I guess the one thing I can say is that sometimes we don't get what we wanted, but we get what we need. I finally have peace in my heart about my WAW, and now I am working on bringing that peace to my kids.

I'll keep updating and posting: even though this chapter looks complete, there could always be a new development.

[PortlandDad]

Yesterday was our 18th anniversary. Our D12 "decided" that she didn't want to go to the motel to see her mom. I was torn whether to put my foot down and force her to go, or whether to respect her decision and just take the boys. My W made the point moot: when she found out that D didn't want to come, she and my MIL came back to our house for the day.

The day went pretty well: my D and W went to the nail salon and the mall. They got into an argument in the car and I thought the day was going to be ruined, but they calmed down once they got home. Had a nice dinner as a family. After dinner, W and I went upstairs to watch a movie. We were cuddling in bed and had a nice conversation. We ML for the first time in almost a year. Aftwerward, she said her goodbyes to the kids and I drove her and MIL back to the their motel. We said our goodbyes and she even told me that she loved me (first time for that since before she left in November). Their flight leaves today around noon.

She says that she is confused and she doesn't know what she is doing and I believe her. I talked a long time with MIL last night and she also says that W is coming around, but it is taking time. I'm willing to wait it out for the time being. My anti-depressants have kicked in so I'm not depressed and mopey like I used to be. I'm focusing on my kids and preserving our capital. We'll see what happens with the W in the coming weeks.

The roller-coaster is still in motion, so I'm keeping my hands and feet (and heart) inside at all times.

[smith18]

PD -

You sound so level headed.

Isn't is strange how they can become so unhinged when you try changing things and then they eventually settle down. Time is indeed the great healer (too bad it kills all of its patience eventally).

I bet she got taken to the cleaners on the Expedition (especially if she went to a lot on 82nd).

Are you going to back off on having her served?

[PortlandDad]

Hi KK:

Yeah it is strange how they can get so reactive. It's also strange how (at least in my case) her moods swing so wildly. She's been a Jekyl-and-Hyde with changes happening daily (sometimes hourly!) She called briefly this morning to wish the kids a good day in school and I talked to her for a few minutes. She was back in WAW, cold-fish mode again.

Meh.

I'm not pining away any more: got stuff to do!

Yeah, she got soaked on the expedition. Blue book was 9.9k, she got 9 for it. It was cherry: less than 38k miles... well, when she comes back, she'll be driving a jalopy that she will have to buy for herself, if anything at all.

I think I'll hold off on having her served right now, she can't do any more damage to our finances, so I'm content to watch her stew under the pressure of trying to manage her (very limited) finances for herself. I'll be very interested to see how/if her job search in Germany goes. She's not lazy, but she hasn't had a job outside the house in 16 years.

[Phoenixdeux]

Portland,

Your wife sounds nuts. Who would break a glass and slash themselves with the shards? Or was that an accident?

You did the right thing, except you should have done it even sooner to ensure she didn't drag you down into the poor house with her.

[PortlandDad]

PD,

Yeah, she is loony, no doubt about it. And nope, it wasn't an accident. She deliberately broke the glass and then picked up a shard and started cutting her arm.

I do think she needs some professional help. I suggested to my MIL that she should have her talk to a doctor or psychologist or something once she gets back to Germany.

I still love her, but I think that there are some issues in her life that need resolving before she can ever return the affection that I or my kids have for her.

[PortlandDad]

Well the drama wagon is still in motion. *sigh*

My dad called last night and wanted to see how things were going. I told him I was feeling fine and that my W and MIL had left just today. He has pretty much always had a soft spot in his heart for my W, so I expected him to show some heavy sympathy for her. I haven't spoken to her about the details of our sitch, but when I casually mentioned that I was over the bulk of devastation of finding out about her EA, he remarked, "Well, it isn't as though you haven't been through this before." I was confused. I said no, I haven't had to deal with this before. He paused and then told me "I thought you knew..."

*BAM* She had a PA on me 12 years ago when we moved into our first house! I never even knew it, but at the time my W was really good friends with my Sis and she would come over to our house every day while I was at work. Two houses down from us at the time there was a family with about 8 kids ranging in age from 16 to 2 months. The 16 year old was always over at our house, even though our oldest was only 6 at the time. I thought it was because we had a big screen and a Super Nintendo.

Anyway, the 16yr old was pretty geeky, but he had a friend (also 16 or 17) that my W thought was pretty hot. She had sex with him one day while I was at work. She called my sis later crying saying she thought she might be pregnant by him, or maybe that she might have gotten an STD from him and that she would have to tell me, but she never did.

I was floored! It seems my mom, dad, and sister all knew about this for years! They thought that I knew about it because she had said that she was going to tell me about it. All of her constant assertions that she is a "good" girl and that she would never take her clothes off for anyone else just went right out the window. This betrayal taints almost all my good memories with her since this happened at a time in or M where things were good and getting better.

That she was able to keep this a secret for 12 years has me stunned. I am finding that I really don't know this woman that I have been married to for all these years...

[InLikeFlynn]

Was this before or after the 12 year old was born???