I actually had an interesting evening with my WAW last nite. I'm sure it's alcohol driven, but it was still a nice evening. I'm trying not to make much about from a hope/expectation stand point but it was nice to have a nite with my pre-WAW.
Hope your situation is progressing
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Thanks. Glad you had a good evening with her. I've had some good alcohol-driven evenings on occasion. ;P Unfortunately have had some bad ones too.
I don't know if my sitch is progressing...but I am. I have been doing lot of thinking this week...I am reading a book called Tears And Healing. It's really helping me sort out some of my very conflicted feelings about my life.
Last night was interesting for me as well. It was H's birthday. We made plans to meet at the mall for dinner. He was in a good mood yesterday, been a while since I saw him in this state of mind. Anyway, he picked this place because it's S12's favorite, and then he could go shopping for some new tools he wanted for his birthday. So the kids were really happy. We brought him a bag with his favorite candy and some cards and stuff.
We met up in the food court..it was 6 p.m. I thought he had gotten a soda while he was waiting for us, but I got closer and realized it was a cup from a gas station. A 32 oz cup. Vodka and cranberry juice. I couldn't believe it. He was clearly under the influence. Again, this is extreme behavior even for him. BUT, at least he was happy instead of irritable.
He loved what we gave him. HE LOVES US...."I love you man" It was kind of like that. We ate (him not much) and then he said, let's see a movie! That's definitely not like him. I love to go to the movies but he usually refuses. So we went and bought his tools and we went to a movie and it was nice.
I really don't know how he fits all these people in one body.
By then about 4 hours had passed. He seemed okay. We stopped and got ice cream on the way home and then watched American Idol on Tivo. He didn't have any kind of bedtime outburst. It was a good night really. I mean..except for the obvious. But he was nice.
Last night was interesting for me as well. It was H's birthday.
Small world - it was my wife's B'Day yesterday as well.
She is also a mystery..... Must be a sign : )
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
no, hon, he's an alcoholic. he's not an enigma, he's not jeckyll and hyde--don't give him any more power than necessary; use your Al-Anon tools to deal with him. you need empowerment, not to feel victimized by the unpredictability of his moods.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
no, hon, he's an alcoholic. he's not an enigma, he's not jeckyll and hyde--don't give him any more power than necessary; use your Al-Anon tools to deal with him. you need empowerment, not to feel victimized by the unpredictability of his moods.
I appreciate what your saying. And I'm working on the empowerment. Most of my reading this week has been about detachment, and really understanding what that means. For me...it means that I am beginning the steps to eventually separate from him, and not let him make me crazy in the meantime.
It will go one of two ways...it will be the catalyst that causes change for him...or he will choose addiction and it will be the first step to divorcing him.
I've decided it's not loving or compassionate toward myself to remain in this situation the way it is, and it's not loving or compassionate toward him to do it either. Just "bearing" him and trying to mitigate the effects of his crazy behavior on me and the kids isn't doing him any favors either. At the rate he's going now, he's going to destroy himself with alcohol. His type of cancer could have been caused by it.
I still think he's got some serious issues besides the alcohol, but it doesn't really matter, because nothing can be dealt with without dealing with the substance abuse first anyway.
I still think he's got some serious issues besides the alcohol, but it doesn't really matter, because nothing can be dealt with without dealing with the substance abuse first anyway.
You're absolutely right. Bringing a cup of cranberry juice and vodka to a public family gathering is a dead giveaway to the extent of his addiction. If you can, try to look at life thru the Al-Anon lenses for now. It will help you more than you know. Leave the rest of it for another time.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Doing home improvement projects with someone who just drank a six-pack of beer and half a bottle of vodka!
He's kind of making this easy for me at this point.
I have finally been doing GAL activities and finding some new artistic outlets, and frankly, I don't care what he does. We skirted the edges of an argument a couple of times, but I managed to stay out of one. He was nice for a day and a half, but he's gone back to being snippy and critical. Whatever. I find it hard to take his criticism seriously when he's slurring.
And I realize what a colossal waste of time it was to get upset about things like the 1200 calorie diet. I mean, he forgot about that within 24 hours. All these ridiculous things that happen only last a day or two and then he's forgotten all about them and moved on to something else. Which he will also forget about. It's all the whim of the moment.
lol Melissa...there was a drill involved, that was about it.
So yesterday: I went to church...by myself..and afterward they have people that can pray with you, so...I went up and talked to this girl, Erin, and...and I told her the truth. That I'm married to an emotionally abusive alcoholic. As soon as I opened my mouth I started to cry.
Anyway, she was very gentle and understanding...she said I'm not the only one. And she said this church takes that kind of thing very seriously. She asked me the sorts of questions that showed me that actually know something about abuse. And I poured out how I'd been so afraid of talking to anyone through the church because I knew of a friend that went to her pastor (different church) on similar issues and was told she was a rebellious wife. She assured me that no one was going to tell me that, and that I didn't deserve to be treated this way and I wasn't a bad person, a bad wife, or a bad Christian.
She is going to send me some info via the net on some "resources" they have and she offered to plug me in to a "community" of some people who could continue praying with me, and help me find direction on what to do next.
Then I talked to my al anon sponsor on the phone on the way home. She was encouraging.
Then I came home and immediately felt guilty when I saw H. But...the truth is the only thing that is going to set any of us free. But I still feel guilty...he would KILL me if he thought I ever said such a thing there. Something like that would be unforgivable to him. It makes my stomach knot up thinking about it.
Then late afternoon we were having company, and cooking together, and he had started drinking his vodka..and I said, um, remember you're supposed to take S9 to batting practice tonight. And he got snippy and said I'm FINE. I said I know you're fine NOW, I'm talking about in four hours. And he got mad and said you know what, then YOU can take him!! And I thought ok then I will.
Then he said...do you think I have a problem with my drinking because you keep saying things about it all the time ( I guess reminding him he had to drive a child somewhere would be an example.)
Me: do YOU think you have a problem with your drinking? Him: No! Me: Then I guess it doesn't really matter what I think. Him: How about compared to YOU!! (stomps off) (this comment is beyond ridiculous) Me: Well...I don't drink and drive. (he can hear me in the next room) Him: <snorts> as if this is ridiculous. Me: Do you think it's normal to bring a mixed drink into the mall? Him: Yes. If it's my birthday.
A bit later he comes back in the kitchen...I say, look...you've just been drinking A LOT more lately..and I don't think that's particularly good for your health.
He was looking out the window with his back to me...and just said stiffly, I'll take that into consideration.
Then he had to run back to the store because he forgot something, and when he returned he brought me a bunch of flowers. Whatever that is supposed to mean. He didn't drink anymore before driving S9 to practice, but he made several comments about it...like he had to keep reminding himself.
I was also chatting away with his cousin's wife, and a couple of times he made comments about how much I was talking. He was in the next room talking to his cousin. Like, she can really talk, can't she? Are you letting her say anything?
