I am concerned about what you said. H doesn't get anything from me, except I act like his friend. When I don't he gets mad and threatens a D. I am not offering anything else. He doesn't come over, etc. He gives me nothing. I am just trying to encourage a friendship, to show him that I am not angry. Again, I feel if I offer an ultimatum, he will be gone to her. I know you gave your H one, was this after the OW? I am just trying to wait the A out. I don't see an alternative.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ultimatims are ONLY for those who are absoluely certain that they can deal with the outcome IF it doesn't bode well in thier favor. NEVER give an ultimatum if you can't live with the results.
YOU are handling things well. You are building a friendship which is exactly what you need to do. Always DO what is working FOR YOU.
My Hs OW were not in the picture for me to give an ultimatum about. I never actually gave an ultimatum except with regard to being tired of my Hs indecision about working on this R or not. I was weery of playing nice and having him still stuck in the "poor me...my bad" mode. I had gotten to the poop or get off the pot point and was fully prepared to go on without him IF he didn't get his stuff together and start working with me on this R. It worked for me, he saw that I was about done allowing him to feel sorry for himself, that I was going to move on without him. He woke up.
My response to Left's post was about HER sitch...NOT anyone elses.
YOU must handle your recovery in whatever way works for you.
I think that a friendship is the first and most important step you have to take, and you're doing that. I PERSONALLY feel that if an H has an OW then the BS should withhold certain things so as to NOT allow their H to be a 'cakeman.'
Keep doing what you're doing...it's working for you. T2
T2 and others posting here, My H cell phone is also my enemy, the A had everything to do with that thing. What's strange is my H either puts it on silence or leaves it in the truck when he is here. I take it as a good sign as he doesn't want ANYONE to both him will he is here with me/us! I agree with working on being friends first, I thimk this will be the glue that brings my H back to me! Everyone sounds great, and who knows maybe my goal to be here in piecing is not far away! Deb
Quote: I find living in the NOW very difficult because I am still so engulfed by the past...but I also know that breaking free of those demons are my only hope and salvation.
living in the NOW - carpe diem - seize the day - i think my sweet that this should be our motto. you see, i strive to be where you are, the knowing that i will be AOK whatever happens. i haven't made it there yet, and i am afraid that when i get there i will be still thinking about the past. truly then, that is NOT seizing the day
how does one stop being a BIG PICTURE kind of gal to concentrating on the little things? that my friend is where i need to be. concentrating on the little things. seeing the value and benefit of the small things in life and how the contribute to the big things
ah yes, what a tangled web we weave - this thing called life
is anyone on earth TRULY happy??? now there is a question
It took months, long painful months to go through all the hysterical imaginings of the relationship my H had with his 2 OWs. I'm still getting through it...but the truth is, they've lost thier sting. It's not the As that haunt me anymore, not the two women....I've writen them off as "tools of my Hs self gratification," he wasn't (or at least denies any emotional involvement with them other than a friendship that became convienently sexual too).
What I still deal with is the lies, and the deception that my H was capable of while living his secret life and the realization that he is capable of such devastating dublicity. It will take years to recover from that aspect of the As. T2
Quoting T2: What I still deal with is the lies, and the deception that my H was capable of while living his secret life and the realization that he is capable of such devastating dublicity. It will take years to recover from that aspect of the As.
Oh yeah...but it CAN be done...slooooowwwlyyyy....
Hi T2 so glad you found some inner peace with the change in your sitch, and for what it's worth I think your insights and intentions for taking it one day at a time, reviewing and avoiding what happened last time, etc.. are GREAT!!!
NOW, how's this for a totally different take on the cell phone...Note that I have a "thang" about reclaiming stuff that's been "tainted".
For example my white oversized man's cotten shirt that CJ wore in sexy photo he took of himself an sent to OW (who kindly sent it to me ). I wear it often, not a problem.
The phone: Well it was a birthday gift from me to CJ last Nov. He was supposed to be out "pricing DVD players" but after a lengthy "search" (on line and out on the town ) he came home with the cell phone instead.
Why a cell phone? For his future consulting business he told me. Should bells NOT have been ringing in my ears???
When I found out about OW a month later, I simply asked for the cell phone, changed the codes and it's been in MY purse ever since. ...I will NOT let objects rule my emotions!
(But Believe me, I KNOW how easily these things can become classically conditioned...that's WHY I try to reclaim them ASAP...that's what's happened to many of you...the item becomes so associated with OW, it ALONE can evoke the same dreadful emotions....the only cure...exposure to the dreaded object!)
Okay, okay, still not wearing my 10th anniversary ring, but I'm thinking about it!
I wish I could 'reclaim' my Hs cell phone...but it belongs to the company he works for and the bills for it go there....so that's out. BUT I've also come to accept the fact that IF he chooses to deceive me by using the cell...then I have NO control over that. I cannot and will not live my life trying to "protect" myself from every imaginable wrangling that my H can come up with IF he's determined to 'fool me' again. I have surrender control. I have learned to tell myself that there ARE things over which I have no control and to obsess or fear them only causes ME pain.
So while I hate that damn phone and it is my arch enemy, I no longer let my fear of it's misuse own me. The BIG difference now is that my H leaves the phone out where I can see it and he's invited me to check it whenever I feel I need to in order to feel secure that it is no longer being used by anyone of whom I would not feel safe...that reassurance and invitation alone (although no real assurance since #s can be convienently deleted) has made me less intolerant of it.
Neither my H or I wear wedding rings. I threw his in the river Valentine's Day last year and I'd stopped wearing mine 20 years ago (I know, my bad). T2
No kidding you can't control what they do...CJ proceded to call OW via our FAX line and phone cards after I took the cell...see IT had no power at all!!!
It DOES help a lot that your H is being an open book about the phone (CJ's first one was from work too, so I know you can't just take it!!)...that kills it's power to evoke fear too.
Shiny
GOTTA go to bed soon, beginning to think that 6 p.m.- 8 p.m. nap might have been a bad idea!
Quote: So while I hate that damn phone and it is my arch enemy, I no longer let my fear of it's misuse own me. The BIG difference now is that my H leaves the phone out where I can see it and he's invited me to check it whenever I feel I need to in order to feel secure that it is no longer being used by anyone of whom I would not feel safe...that reassurance and invitation alone (although no real assurance since #s can be convienently deleted) has made me less intolerant of it.
T2 -- You've obviously come to a wise place regarding the phone. Kudos, too to your h for making it much more open...
I realized yesterday (after reading your thread) that one of the reasons I struggle during the week is because then I'm communicating with h via email and phone....see, that's the way most of the later stages of his a. were carried out....the way I found out about the a. was a series of emails from ow to h (some obviously in response to him).
So...everytime I get an email from h I find myself harkening back to the mails from ow. Was she more interesting, did he respond to her quicker, etc? They also used to IM...we've never done that...he's never even shown any interest....whatever.
His email account remains private...always will be I suppose! But, to his credit, he HAS been much more open about reading it when I'm in the room. He also occasionally forwards emails from it (just from friends) or will read me stuff aloud...babysteps, babysteps....
anyway, I LOVE Shiny's idea of "reclaiming" stuff. I'm taking back emails. hahahahahahaha.
Sage
PS Congrats on the new events and the new thread!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
). I wear it often, not a problem.
) he came home with the cell phone instead.
