It is certainly reasonable to feel discouraged about the immediate future especially with her added comments. Remember that she is going through this too - I know it doesn't seem that way to you - but it is the truth. When my H and I were deciding the separation I just kept in my mind that neither of us wants things to turn out this way. How that affected me meant that I did the following: 1) let go of arguing about anything ( I either listened or agreed) 2) if it got uncomfortable, I asked for a break before continuing any discussion 3) I kept an open mind that things could be resolved (if not now then later and suggested working on it in MC) 4) I did 180's 24/7 (I wanted him to know I cared, was his friend and not the enemy) 5) I reminded myself that this could be a temporary situation (he wanted a D and I asked for the separation to allow time out for both of us to think without the other around) 6) I listened, sympathized with emotions (agreed it was hard, sad, didn't feel right, felt stuck, didn't like not being able to remedy things) 7) Helped him to pack up when he let me, and pick out furniture etc. Offered to manage bills we shared and send him notice his part when needed)
The results I saw were: 1) he was confused about the no arguing and at times agreeing 2) he didn't like the breaks and would threat to end the discussion instead, but he always came back to talk 3) instead of focusing on the negatives, I looked for ways to help us resolve things at a later point in time, took the pressure off the present 4) the 180's actually made me feel like a better person 5) again, this was a tension reliever for me - space allows freedom to explore options that we can't recover when emotional 6) joining him in emotions seemed to calm the waters, avoid the arguing, and allowed us to share in the experience instead of feeling isolated and rejected - it is hard to walk away from someone you have feelings for. 7) helping him was hard because he wouldn't allow it much - but I could see his reaction to kindness kept the door open
So, we did separate, the things I did kept us in contact and allow for progress daily. Things are not easy - he has serious issues to address without me - he is finally doing what I asked for 3 years and he is happy with himself for doing so. He can't wait to start working on our M when he has more success under his belt. For me, the process has allowed me to be forgiving and open instead of angry and isolated and withdrawn. I can see how I might completely cut him out of my life if I focused on the negatives. But they are only a portion of the R and that is the part most people don't recall when going through this part.
I hope giving you some specifics help to see how they will affect you and your R not just now but down the road. You may want to share your feelings with her without blame - like this-" this feels awful or sad for both of us" " I wish we didn't have to go this way, but I understand it is necessary for now"
Let me know what you think? Sooooo sorry for your hurt and fear. Hopefully things can be turned around at some point for both of you. Enjoy your kids, and family support. How's job hunting? That's got to be a mess at a time like this.
