WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[confusedinpa]

This might be what you tell yourself. But try to be honest: if she told you today she had made the final decision to get a D, would you be angry? I think the answer is yes. And she knows it. So I think she tells you that she can't see beyond the person who hurt her in the past, because it justifies her behavior for her and for you, but in reality she does not trust the person she is seeing right now. She does not trust the changes are real. And if you are honest to yourself, they are not real yet. As soon as she stops complying with what you want, the R will go right back where you were pre-bomb.

Part of me thinks that she's looking for the love feeling like we had when we first met. I know that is not realistic. I am tempted to ask her, but know better.

Yes, she is. But you are not feeling it, so she cannot feel it either. You can wait on her to rediscover it (that will probably not happen), or you can rediscover it in yourself.

She has said that she finds it hard to believe that the changes are real. She had even gone as far as saying that she thinks the changes are only because the divorce is looming and once she stops it, she thinks I will go back to pre-bomb behaviors.

When she says this, I try to acknowledge and validate. I also add that I am making these changes to me a better person. Pre-bomb, I would not allow myself to enjoy life. I was so afraid of being happy as I knew it wouldn't last. This drove me into a depression like state where I wouldn't allow myself to feel truly happy and kept myself in a neutral (slightly biased towards negative) state. This also drove my controlling behavior as I interpreted any change as a risk to my neutral state so I wouldn't "allow" anything to deviate from the norm.

What's interesting is after the divorce bomb, I feel like I've fallen in love with her again. Everytime I look at her, I can't believe how beautiful she is and it always makes me smile. Even when she just wearing sweats cleaning the kitchen. When I walked in while she was getting ready for to go out with her girlfriend for lunch and peidcures, I let out a "Wow" because she looked really good. She did smile when I did that.

You are right though, if she does go forward with the divorce, I will be angry. So I don't know what you are getting at with this point, but it is true.