Not sure I ever posted on this. Because of my issues with intimacy (fear and shame), I always wanted a man to "take me" against my will so that I wouldn't have to "act like a whore."
When I watch pigeons in the park, I always think that it's just like being in a bar. I would stand there and wait for a man to come pecking around. I would either reject him if I didn't like him, have an anonymous one night stand with him, or, just like a female pigeon, make it difficult for him so that he had to pursue harder (play the caveman) and break through my resistance. It never worked (I think plenty of great guys gave up quickly because they thought I just didn't like them). I was convinced that someday MY man would do it.
Since I met H at work, we eased into a relationship through friendship. When he first met me, he tried to talk to me. He told me later in our R that he thought I didn't like him because I wasn't very receptive.
I sabotaged myself all those years. And I have NO practice on being the seductress, the stripper, or the dominant one. Of course, this old dog is committed to learning new tricks!
Though I'm now throwing away my pigeon ways forever, I still think the caveman thing is hot. Must be stuck in my psyche somewhere forever, much like the GGW thing is for DQ.
DQ posted a link to a book published by Toys in Babeland (it's black with four colored boxes on the front). I bought that book about 5 years ago along with many other sex books and porn DVDs in hopes that it would help our sex life. H hid all of it in his underwear drawer and never read any of it. I dug it out this morning and started a pile next to my side of the bed. I want to read them to learn more about my body, and I want to unearth the intimacy that we've both allowed to be buried for so long.
