First I wanted to thank everybody for chiming in with your support for me after my little therapeutic pseudo-drunken ramble. I learned a good deal about myself during and after it.
Yes, Jack. I am a Galahad. Is it possible for a Galahad to change? No, I don't think so. Is it possible for a Galahad to change his ACTIONS?
Yes.
I have looked back on my sitch and feel I have much to be proud of in handling it. I am a sensitive soul, and very much a problem-solver: if I can see someone headed top-speed into a brick wall and I can prevent it, I will. That is what a good friend and a good husband does for the people he loves. But what happens when you can see them headed for the brick wall at top-speed, and they refuse to turn the wheel to avoid? My first R taught me that you need to let them hit. I did everything I felt I could do (within my moral structure) to "save" the R. In the end, she needed to learn her lessons "paid in her own coin". She came from the school of hard knocks- it was all she knew, and apparently, all she understood. While my W is not from that school (as far as I know), not only can I not convince her to turn the wheel, she will accuse me of being manipulative if I were to do so!
"More coins, please."
I have struggled since this MLC began with what my responsibility as her H was to her. It boils down to a variant of "Am I my brother's keeper?" My answer: yes, but if my W can not/will not help herself/the R and/or heed the warning signs when presented with them, then she must bear the responsibility for her own actions. We can not (and should not!) control them or their actions, or hold ourselves responsible for them. (A certain able seaman helped me to learn that lesson. Many thanks to him for his post.)
Conclusion: I leave my W in the capable hands of God, knowing that, eventually, she will learn whatever she is to learn in her own way. More importantly, I will not begrudge her because her learning style is not my own.
I will also be more attentive to my responsibilities toward MYSELF. I used to hold a belief that selfishness was a human foible. Not so. There must be a degree of selfishness for a love R to even exist. (We wouldn't be in a R if it didn't "feel good", right?) If we do not care for ourselves, and our own needs to some degree, we can not possibly expect to be equipped to love/serve others. When we take selfishness (or anything else, for that matter!) to an extreme, this is where we get off the path.
I will work on myself even more so - now that I have convinced myself that it is for me, and not part of some sort of hidden agenda in my psyche to get my W back.
If we were meant to be together again, she will come back. If not, I have to believe there are better and brighter things down the road for both of us.
It is what it is.
I surrender and submit - God's Will be done.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
OK- It's been almost 4 months without contact, and W has popped out of the woodwork long enough to sneak in the house while I was not home, pick up "all" her things and leave me a "dear John" letter. In the letter, amongst all the MLC blah blah blah, she "left it up to me" to contact her to discuss the filing of the taxes for the shop.
I was going to stay dark permanently, until I realized that I was not being entirely genuine with myself and my feelings as to why I was doing it. I was actually running away from the sitch- hoping against all hope that she'd miss me, and then open her eyes to what she was doing. But since she once told me "I need to miss you", I was rationalizing my behavior by convincing myself that I was only trying to accommodate her.
But in doing so, I was actually trying to "get her back".
But the Universe has a funny way of working its magic. In fibbing to myself, I actually wound up benefiting myself. While dark, I did a lot of work on me in the form of reflecting on me and how I contributed to the downfall of my M, and what I want out of a R, and what kind of person I want to be. And, of course, GAL.
I know now that if I am truly releasing her to God, I have no reason to hide anymore. She is going to do what she feels she needs to do. And if she feels she needs to see me to "discuss the taxes", then that is what I need to let her do. And if she feels that she needs to get a D, then that is what I need to let her do.
I called her new cellphone number today.
It rolled over into voicemail, and I told her that I was going to be in her neck of the woods on Thursday on other business (which is true) and that I was wondering if she were free then to discuss the taxes- and left it up to her to contact me.
Will she contact me? I honestly don't care anymore. Will she harp on about wanting a D? Probably. Will she push through with her plans to D me and marry the OM? I would actually bet cold hard cash on it happening now. Does that hold sway over my life? Not anymore. I have come full circle. I have nothing to fear anymore. Because I have accepted that this is in God's hands now. What will be, will be for the best.
I do hope she will be happy with her new found love. The odds are against her, though.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
