Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[sandi2]

Dear Thinker, I believe you are still doing a good job and I know it is hard. Based on all that you have told about things your W has said about wishing she was 15 again and doing things differently and how she reacts to the kids all over her, I still believe she is just sick of the whole thing. I don't think it is just you. I think she is sick of being a mother of three small children and feels old and worn out. I think she yearns to feel young and care free and in love with no responsibilities and where nobody dies with cancer, etc. Of course, this is not reality, but that is the thing right there, she wants to escape her reality and live in a fantasy.

I remember wanting to scream at my H and tell him that I was sick of him and of everything about him. I could not stand to be in the room with him and the more involved in the EA I became, the worse I felt toward my H and my life. I wanted to run away. I wanted to escape and to start another life all over again.

I am sure your wife loves her children, but she is worn out and she is going through some major emotional stuff that needs attention. It is this sort of thing that women need help to get through a crisis in their life and don't know how to talk about it to the ordinary person b/c they don't understand what is happening. That is why most need a professional to help guide them, but unless they are willing to seek professional help, then your hands are tied. Most W's are not going to listen to their H's when they are in this emotional condition. I can tell you she is hurting and she is trying to find something to make the hurting stop, but she will not turn to you b/c she sees you as the biggest part of the problem. I am so sorry to say these hard things to you but you need to know it.

I pray that she will have professional guidance to help her through the ordeal with her mother and the cancer, the unfulfillment she has as a mother and the excitement she is seeking in love. Whatever is the base of her problem, I hope that is can be healed and she will once again see the man she fell in love with and have a desire to be a mother to those children instead of wanting to be a teenager again. When a woman is focused on wanting what is impossible, it is not healthy.....and of course, that is certainly impossible.

For you, it is hell having to watch her go through all of this. You are helpless. You really cannot help her and you have to face those facts. The only thing you can do is where the children are concerned and do all you can do to help there. The other thing is to do what you have been doing.......focusing on you and re-inventing yourself. It has been proven time after time, that if it is not done for YOU, and you are doing it for HER, it will fail. It has to be for you. It must be for YOU! No other way will work.

I realize getting your attention and focus off of her and thinking about yourself and your life sounds self centered, but for now, it is actually a time of healing b/c you need that very much.

Make personal goals......a few at a time. Make some short term and some long term and keep a journal of how you are doing. Make it interesting. Talk to us about them.

Keep posting and keep encouraging others. It helps to keep yourself encouraged.

Take care,
Sandi