WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[AnotherNightmare]

Just a couple of things:

I do know since the bomb, I've been less engaged in that. I see I have to get refocused on that. They can't pay the price while I am working on the situation. Thanks for pointing that out.

That is the problem. It should have been the other way round. When my W dropped the bomb, I immediately spent more time with my kids, trying to get closer to them again. My kids' behavior has improved since then. My S8 still has a big self-esteem problem, but even that has improved a little. For instance, he stopped wetting his bed.

I am trying my best to make her feel like she is important and she has my full undivided attention. I'm doing that out of the love I have of her, not just because it might make her change her mind. She has even brought it up as a frustration point for herself. She sees that I am doing everything that she had ever wanted, but she just can't see beyond the person who hurt her in the past.

This might be what you tell yourself. But try to be honest: if she told you today she had made the final decision to get a D, would you be angry? I think the answer is yes. And she knows it. So I think she tells you that she can't see beyond the person who hurt her in the past, because it justifies her behavior for her and for you, but in reality she does not trust the person she is seeing right now. She does not trust the changes are real. And if you are honest to yourself, they are not real yet. As soon as she stops complying with what you want, the R will go right back where you were pre-bomb.

Part of me thinks that she's looking for the love feeling like we had when we first met. I know that is not realistic. I am tempted to ask her, but know better.

Yes, she is. But you are not feeling it, so she cannot feel it either. You can wait on her to rediscover it (that will probably not happen), or you can rediscover it in yourself.