Holding,

Oh my gosh...that's right! It's NOT October 19th...LMAO
Thanks for reminding me of that.

I am a little more settled down this morning. I did a great deal of thinking (could you smell the smoke) last night and this morning.

I have to take a breath. I have to step back and calm down.
Today, tomorrow or next week IS NOT the time to hammer away at my H and begin my self defensive demands or spill my insecurities all over the room. I did that with last November's reconciliation attempt and sent him flying out the door, running for his life five months later.

I will have to take this recohabitation ONE STEP AT A TIME. I can not allow old fears and insecurities to push me into saying or doing things that will grind this forward movement to a hault.

There are some things that I will ask over the next few days, but they won't have an 'edge' or accusation to them.

I have claimed all along that THIS is what I wanted....well now I have to put my money where my mouth is and see if I have what it takes to do it, and do it right, this time.

I will revisit the mistakes I made last November so that I don't repeat them this time. I will keep my eyes and ears open (lest I be fooled again), but I will keep my mouth shut UNLESS what I have to say is absolutely REAL or RELEVANT.
I can be my own worst enemy...so this time, I'll try to be my own best friend.

For some unknown reason, despite my hesitancy and fears this morning, there is a peacefulness about me too. It seems a paradox but it's how I feel.

I THINK the peacefulness comes from the absence of anxiety about when/will he come back home. I feel freer to move forward, to continue working on myself now that I can regain all the energy I'd been putting into wondering if THIS day would ever come.

When my H is actually moved back in...I will start a new thread...and journal the highlights and pitfalls of the homecoming. And I'll be counting on you and all my DB pals to keep me focused on what's real and what's imagination.
T2