Hi, dont think I have ever replied to you, though I have read much of your good advise.
Just going back a couple of your posts to
Quote: As you've all heard me complain....I see my Hs cell phone as the enemy since that's how he communicated with OWs. He doesn't have a house phone (because he rents a room in someone elses house) and of course he has a work phone.
When I read this, my chin nearly hit the floor, I thought I was the only one who felt this way, I thoufght I was mad to feel this.
I first found out about OW by finding a text message, after that I would constantly, look at H every time he answerd cell phone, or text or anything, the phone became an obssession.
Now I cant stand that phone!!! its like the phone is the OW, its quite bizarre, He never brings the phone when he goes out with me, neither does he bring it to our house, which is strange. Once or twice it has been in the car and when I see it, I feel agitated.
I just dont want that phone around me.
I was just happy to see someone else has this kind of thoughts. Made me feel not so mad lol.
It is amazing how we become hyper sensitive about different things.
My H began leaving his cell phone in his car when he came here because HE knew I was sneaking a peek at the calls and drilling him about whose number where on it.
To this day I hate that phone and because of the negative memories attached to it, I probably always will.
So I guess you and I are members in good standing of Cell Phone Haters Anonymous. T2
well you can add me to the club, i absolutely HATE that thing. one month, when i was a snooper (1.5 years ago) i found out on his cell phone bill that he talked to OW for almost 4 hours one day. many many calls, but a total of 4 hours. OOOOO - i hate that thing
i have since not snooped. i don't want to know, but he has told me there are no more calls. they stopped when he came clean. so thank god for that
hey t2, sorry to hijack your thread!
i am so glad to hear that you survived the storm, BUT now you have an even bigger one to handle eh? i am praying for you sweetie
T2, You are doing so well... you are so realistic about everything. I agree that you and H should sit down and try to talk about what this moving in means for him and you. Maybe bring to the table some ground rules (both of you) as well as a list of things you would like to see in the reconciliation. You are an excellent dber and I think you could get things out on the table, not in a demanding way, but in a loving way. I agree that him just moving back without discussing your feelings would not be good.
Obviously, he wants this reconciliation to work. I am also reading getting back together and it does warn of getting back too soon... but I don't think this applies in your situation. It also said that 80% of all married couples separate for 2 months or more... I thought that statistic was pretty awesome.
You KNOW that this next step will be difficult. Begin with a beginner's mind... be excited, have fun, and of course, BE PATIENT and persevere. Remember all of us out here that would LOVE to be in the difficult, trying position you find yourself in now. Limbo is over, darling! (and it's NOT October 19...)
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Oh my gosh...that's right! It's NOT October 19th...LMAO Thanks for reminding me of that.
I am a little more settled down this morning. I did a great deal of thinking (could you smell the smoke) last night and this morning.
I have to take a breath. I have to step back and calm down. Today, tomorrow or next week IS NOT the time to hammer away at my H and begin my self defensive demands or spill my insecurities all over the room. I did that with last November's reconciliation attempt and sent him flying out the door, running for his life five months later.
I will have to take this recohabitation ONE STEP AT A TIME. I can not allow old fears and insecurities to push me into saying or doing things that will grind this forward movement to a hault.
There are some things that I will ask over the next few days, but they won't have an 'edge' or accusation to them.
I have claimed all along that THIS is what I wanted....well now I have to put my money where my mouth is and see if I have what it takes to do it, and do it right, this time.
I will revisit the mistakes I made last November so that I don't repeat them this time. I will keep my eyes and ears open (lest I be fooled again), but I will keep my mouth shut UNLESS what I have to say is absolutely REAL or RELEVANT. I can be my own worst enemy...so this time, I'll try to be my own best friend.
For some unknown reason, despite my hesitancy and fears this morning, there is a peacefulness about me too. It seems a paradox but it's how I feel.
I THINK the peacefulness comes from the absence of anxiety about when/will he come back home. I feel freer to move forward, to continue working on myself now that I can regain all the energy I'd been putting into wondering if THIS day would ever come.
When my H is actually moved back in...I will start a new thread...and journal the highlights and pitfalls of the homecoming. And I'll be counting on you and all my DB pals to keep me focused on what's real and what's imagination. T2
T2, I posted this on tal's thread, but thought I should put it here... wanted some of your advice.
Quote: T2, What do you mean not coddling H while they are with OW? I don't feel I can issue an ultimatum... I feel like he will go with her, and I DO feel it will fall apart eventually. He is out of the house, and I don't call him, etc. I certainly don't make things good for him, but I am kind and loving to him and always look good when I see him. But he knows I am here and I assume he thinks I am waiting on him, but he continues to have his A, which repulses me.
Let me know what you think.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
these words are so important. i have to keep reminding myself of that. while i was at my training last week, a girlfriend who i was staying with said to me "when i wake up and i see that god has granted me another day to live, i will make the most of THAT day" - the words my husband kept telling me in the beginning kept coming back to my head "please let's just take this one day at a time"
i got to thinking t2 - that we really have no future - we have only NOW - chances are when we wake up in the morning, we most likely will have this day to live, who knows about tomorrow?
this goes back to being able to control only ourselves and not those around us.
i am glad you found inner peace today. i was washing my dishes just a bit ago and i felt the same thing come over me today. kitti, live this day, don't worry about tomorrow, get thru this day with as much happiness and joy that you can muster. tomorrow will bring it's own anxieties
It is difficult with all that's happened in our lives these past few years to allow ourselves to live 'in the moment.'
It's very difficult to seize the day and hold up our hand to stop the disillusionment and heart breaking memories from creeping in to steal our resolve to be happy.
I find living in the NOW very difficult because I am still so engulfed by the past...but I also know that breaking free of those demons are my only hope and salvation.
