To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[ddstartingover]

I do want to focus on myself. I KNOW that I do not NEED him. Sometimes I wonder if that is one of my faults. Maybe I've been too independent and did not rely on H enough.........I've always done everything myself. Yes, I want him in my life. I want him in my life for me----and for my kids. I do not want the alien he has become. I want the person that he used to be.

I do not try to focus on him. I am making progress on that, but I can't totally detach-----he remains very involved with the kids----we have to have contact about them, but I am not contacting him first any more. However, this is also making it very difficult for me to move forward. For example, I wanted to spend time with my mother this weekend. It was "my" weekend with the kids, but they all had various schedules that involved H and ball practice. I chose to stay home yesterday rather than take all the kids to see Grandma. I stayed home, rather than rock the boat-----or initiate contact and have one of the kids miss a ball practice.

I woke this morning thinking "how did my H get to the point where he sees me and OUR kids as separate packages??" He wouldn't have them without me----however now it seems he only wants them, and nothing to do with me. By any stretch of the imagination, even with my faults in the marriage, THIS is not something I could ever deserve. I am a good person. I have always put everyone else first............but it doesn't matter. However, I know that none of those thoughts are productive.

No matter what happens. I do not want to be resentful and angry. But----I do feel those feelings creeping in, sometimes more than a creep. I need to know how to keep them at bay. I don't want this to all end in some sort of war. I don't want my kids in the middle of a war. However, I feel like we're dragging and pulling them between the two of us and our two homes now-----and I want them all to myself while he is in this alien state!!!