Hey I was referring not to the big overall situation, I know you are not yet going there, but when she acts cold to you like she did with her EGF and she didn't even look at you when you went there. I would ask hey whats up..are you upset about something...did I piss you off some how?? I mean immediately deal with the small fires that occur before they get larger. Your posts talk about these situations but you don't say whether or not you talked to her about them. You just talk about how you interpret them.
Your last post makes sense to me. Hang in there, and keep us posted. And, like Flynn said, keep calling her on those small fires that come up. Don't let them go.
Left the tanning gift certificate, the airline reservation form and the hotel reservation form with W's purse this morning along with a simple hand written "happy anniversary".
A bit ago she IM'd me about some totally random thing (it was just a way to break the ice) and after a couple IM's I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner tonight. She said yes and that she'd buy since she didn't get me anything for our anniversary!
Bout dropped my dentures. She's actually acknowledging our anniversary?
Talked about the trip. She's very excited......don't say it Pup....
Just felt pretty good to have her acknowledge our anniversary.
Talk to ya soon.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
YOu deserve more than a "Do you want to go out for dinner and I'll buy because I didn't get you anything?" Plus, no comment about what you got her. THat sucks. You don't see it that way, but I do. But.....if this is more than usual, it could be a baby step. We shall see........ Call her on the fact that she didn't say anything about your gift if she doesn't say anything.
I agree. Did she never buy an anniversary present before or even acknowledge the occasion? sorry I think you are rewarding her behavior. Keep calling her on stuff and maybe she will start to get it.
I still don't agree with the trip but you are living with her, glad I am not. I care about you enough to give you a 2x4 now and then but it has never been my intent to offend you, sorry if I did.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
WDID. Thanks for the comment. But I have to disagree.
For her to acknowledge our anniversary is a huge step for her. Mind you, for my birthday in Jan she didn't even say happy birthday.
If she's still in WA mode, I just don't think she'd acknowledge our anniversary.
Was it the joyous response I'd love to hear? No. But given the way she's been and what a F'd up place she's in, I thought it was a step forward.
Everyone keeps saying I deserve more. I agree. But I'm a big boy. She did comment about what I got her. In her own way, she was thanking me.
Like I said the other day, her being down was probably from contact, but there is another possibility. Could be she's recognizing that she wants to be with me and is struggling with the guilt/pain of it all. WDID, you said it yourself, as did my friend D. That guilt/pain is almost unbearable sometimes, once you recognize what you've done.
Shouldn't I just give her a break with what I know she's struggling with and accept this as another small step forward? I mean, come on, she acknowledged our Anniversary. Her pride is a HUGE thing, and if she's figuring it out, I can see where she'd have down times. If I'm going to act "as if" we're going to make it until the transfer comes through, then I need to recognize a small step like this and build on it.
Sorry WDID. I just see more positive in the responses today than negative.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Thanks Kat. I know you care. I'm very blessed with people who care about my sitch. You didn't offend me.
To answer your question, no, she has never bought me anything for our anniversary. In the past it was just a card.
I understand everyone thinks I'm rewarding her behavior. There is a method to my madness. If I get to a point where I go dark on her, isn't it good to have a lot of good memories built up that she'll miss?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I think you took my post wrong. I meant that you deserve more than you got, but that she may be giving you a baby step forward if this is not normal for her.
And, definitely I agree with the "facing her demons" and being depressed about it. In fact, for all you know, she said goodbye for the last time if she had continued contact thus far. So, I'm good with all that. I'm crossing my fingers for you. I've been the one in your wife's corner from the start because I know how she could be feeling....you were talking more that you weren't getting enough from her, how she is rude to you at times, etc. Usually I was defending her so you could see this other side. I think you finally see it. Now, let's hope she is really there.
I know you are WDID. And you'll never know how much I appreciate it. Everyone else too!
Anniversary dinner was nice. Spent a couple hours at the restaurant having some really nice conversation. W was really engaged most of the night. I thanked her for dinner and she thanked me for the trip (there's a shocker!). Went home and had a really nice evening. Caught her staring at me a number of times when we were watching T.V. Not sure if that's good or bad, but whatever.
One interesting thing for anyone who wonders just how messed up someone can be when they're in the middle of an A. I know I'm not telling anyone here anything, but when W and I were discussing the trip, I told her I thought I would ask for a room in the same area of the resort we're staying at as we stayed at last time we used this resort. W replied "we've never stayed there". I said, "Yes we have" and she said "When, I don't remember staying there". I told her it was at Thanksgiving in 2007. She still didn't remember. I said, "our balcony overlooked the swimming pool and we were just down the walk from the restaurant at the resort". She looked at me with a puzzled look. I continued "there was a shelter house with a grill next to the pool". Still nothing. "You stayed at the pool (so she could call OM without us around) the one day while I took the boys to the Magic Kingdom and then you met us to go to the Hoop de Doo review", still nothing. Side note, if you ever go to Disney and want to see a good show, go to the Hoop de Doo. It's a blast.
Anyway, I just kind of gave up on the conversation because she still couldn't remember being there. Mind you, this was only a year and a half ago and she remembers things about Disney from when the kids were 2 years old, but she can't remember staying at this fantastic resort only a year and a half ago? Wonder why? Oh yeah, she was totally deep in her A and I'd exposed to OMW just 10 days before and she was alternating between WD/Anger/calling OM to try to keep the A going.
Amazing, simply amazing.
Talk to everyone soon.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Just checking in. I was thinking about that staring thing....I remember after breaking it off with the OM, looking at my H, too. Sometimes, I looked at him in anger/sadness because I was thinking how if I was with the OM he would be treating me so special, would be so happy to have me there, wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me, would be showering me with compliments, wouldn't be able to keep his hands or eyes off of me, would be thinking he is the luckiest guy in the world, and here sits my H watching tv like I hardly exist as a woman. Other times I did look at my H in a warm way when I realized that I was lucky I didn't lose him, and seeing the kind of man he really was. Something to keep in mind.
As for her forgetting the trip. I'm not surprised. I can barely remember the last two years. When I do remember, it's painful. For me, it is like the years during the affair went by super speed.
