WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[AnotherNightmare]

Explaining "healing yourself" is relatively simple, doing it is the hardest work.

Healing yourself simply means to stop blaming (yourself, others, or the circumstances). Blame makes you feel powerless. It suggests you feel unhappy, because you cannot do anything about what is happening to you. But just saying "I forgive her" or "I forgive myself" does not do it.

Think about how you felt when your kids were born and you held them in your arm for the first time. If you are able to feel that way when your W tells you she wants a D, then you are "healed". In other words, you are capable of feeling happy, content, loved no matter what other people do, then you have made it, and I am sure that is when your W realizes there is in fact a new you that loves her and that she can love again.

If I read your previous post, you are unhappy because of the snow today, because you think your W uses it as an excuse to bail out of the MC session. You are blaming the weather. Do you realize how ridiculous that is? If your thought had been "Oh great! I get to play with the kids in the snow" or "Let me turn up the heat for my W, so she does not feel cold", that would be compassionate.

I know it is hard. I am going through that myself right now. I can be compassionate in a quiet moment, but it is not automatic yet. That is where I need to go and stay for the rest of my life.

AN