You said: "I know that for the longest time, the trust thing was VERY iffy...and in my case rightly so. ...I think my biggest breakthrough was in really KNOWING that I could at least trust MYSELF to be okay not matter what CJ did."
That's exactly what I try to do. I am trying very hard to build my resolve. To tell myself that I am fully capable now of living a life without my H...IF he should ever show signs of failing again. I intend to continue growing for myself, finding meaning to my life without him and finding happiness for myself that doesn't depend on finding it in, or with him.I have told my H several times since the bombs...that if he lies he's only lying to himself. That he can't BS me anymore because I'm no longer in the game. NOW, I just have to convince myself of that so that I can breath. So that I can stop looking over my shoulder, picking through every word he says looking for ulterior motives, deceptions or ommissions, it's exhausting and no longer worth my energy.
The truth is, part of me wants to keep going forward without him, to get past all the final pain, to scratch and claw my way through all the stages of the grieving process of the loss of this marriage and begin to rebuild my own life without him. I read LLs post this morning and it struck a cord with me. Like LL I think I'm tortured with questions of what do I REALLY WANT. What's best for ME at this point?
I think for the past year, I stayed so focused on getting my H back that I was ignoring the signals I was sending myself to let go and move on.
I'm older than most of you on this board, I'm 50, so I faced fears that most of you didn't have to deal with. In the beginning, when bomb #1 hit, suddenly I felt old. I feared never being worthy or desireable to anyone again. I feared I was destined to spend the rest of my life looking at love from the outside, seeing it only in the lives of other people. When bomb #2 hit, I was further devestated and even more convinced that my 'womanliness' was wiped away. Until the bombs, I was a confident, relatively successful career woman, I saw myself as a success as a mother (I have two handsome, good citizens for sons), financially I am in a decent place (not rich, but I can pay my bills and maintain my 'average' lifestyle). BUT when those bombs exploded I felt as though my H and the world were telling me that all of that was gone. That I was passe. That it was time for me to step aside, that I was used up and no longer valuable because I was OLD.
It took me a full year to recover from that mindset and I didn't even see some of the good things I was doing for myself while in it. Last year, two months after bomb #1, I went back to college....six months later (and after bomb #2) I was promoted and given a 10% raise at work. I rediscovered some woman friends, and although they're happily married I found them accepting of me in their circle without my H. While I am here struggling to pull my M back together, my individual/personal life seems to be taking care of itself, despite my relationship pitfalls.
I am becoming a better person for myself. I am seeing the light at the end of this horrific tunnel, I am beginning to realize that I don't have to settle for what I'm being offered here. I've also come to realize that while I may never have the good fortune of being truly loved by my H or any man again that that doesn't mean I can't be fulfilled in my life without that.
I am NOT giving up on my M just yet but I am finding that making MYSELF happy and getting back on my feet self esteem wise is FAR more important to me now. I actually have to stand in front of the mirror sometimes and LOOK at myself in order to remind myself that I am still attractive and vivacious and that my Hs cheating WASN'T MY FAULT it was HIS.
There is still a great deal of work to be done both on my M and on ME. I will do 100% of the work on ME, but only 50% of the work on US. I have already given more than my share, it's time for him to do the heavy work.
I'm in a good place with H right now. He's come a long way...but NOT far enough. I don't know how far he's capable of coming. I've realized that in some ways, I'm expecting him to be a man he NEVER was. The truth is, he's always kept a certain emotional distance between us, he's always kept his guard up. He's never been a hearts and flowers kind of guy, he's always thought of his needs, wants, feelings first before ANYONE elses. So I shouldn't be shocked that he was capable of an affair, I shouldn't be disappointed that he's still closed up in many ways because that is who he's always been and if that can't change then I'm not sure it'll be enough for me anymore. I'd rather be 'alone' without him, then to feel alone with him....I've already been there, done that for too many years.
All of the above is NOT meant to sound down and desperate, it's actually an enlightment and it gives me hope for ME and I need that more than I need to wallow in the pain of what's happened these past two years.
So I will NOT be asking him to come home. I will NOT bring it up again. BUT, if he should ask again to come home I will let him and see where things go from that day on. Whether he comes home or not, I'm going to allow this to take it's natural course and end up where it's meant to. T2
T2, You have summed up all my own fears and hesitations by explaining your own. Wo, our sitchuations are SO similar, excpet one thing. My h has not talked about coming home. I asked him once if he thoght he would,and he said "maybe" in a positive voice. That's a step up from "I can't live with things the way they were",or "nothing's really changed." UGHHHH! I got SO sick of hearing that. What has changed our R is me not bringing up any R talks at all. Our times together are positive and controversy free. Hey it's working and things continue to get better. BOY, do I understand your fear of him coming home. You are still working through alot of feelings, and it will take a LONG time to rebuild trust. 2 times my H came home too soon. Neither of us were ready as the R was on such shakey ground. He was still detoxing I think from OW, and I was still angry, hurt, and disappointed. I tried to hide it, but it came out-all my insecurities. He knew I didn't trust him. There was still tension between us. As much as I want him back home I know we have to be furhter along than we are right now. That's ok. We're moving in the right direction. I'm so like you in my desire to have it all RIGHT NOW, and I have the same fear that things will never be "normal" again. Will I ever completely trust or forgive him? I think it will tak a long time of seeing his actions tell me that he is where he wants to be. If he came back and was distant, or indifferent to me, I don't think I could take it. That's how he was last time he came back and I pretty much asked himto leave. I hated walking on eggshells and wondering what the hell was going on in his mind. You may be further along. Your H may be ready to come back without all that baggagge they have to work through. Personally, asmuch as I long for my H to be home,Iknow that only way we will be happy is if neither of us is still carrying around all the baggagge. Time, I'm afraid is the only thing for that. I've seem it somany times on here where the H comes home and they have to live with all the things they were living with before he moved back. Personally,its too much pressure for me. but that's me. I already went through this enough times that I know what I DON'T want. I think we'll both know when it's time. Until then,I am happy the way thinbgs are progressing. I wish you all the best! Rachael
T2~ You sound great. This post is worth printing out and reading and re-reading. You have gained so much strength and knowledge about yourself thoughout this process. You should be so proud of yourself, girl!!!!!!!!!!
Quote: I've also come to realize that while I may never have the good fortune of being truly loved by my H or any man again that that doesn't mean I can't be fulfilled in my life without that.
It takes a while to get here, but once you do, it feels so good doesn't it? YOU are in control of your own destiny and your own happiness!
Quote: realized that in some ways, I'm expecting him to be a man he NEVER was.
I've realized this about my H too. Not sure if I could ever "go back"...I could "start over", but only after MAJOR changes from my H that he isn't willing to see, much less make right now. You are in such a good place with this right now!
Listen to your heart, T2, and you will know the best thing for yourself! You have become such a strong person!! (((((T2)))))
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Sun, Thank you for the validation of my post. I do feel stronger in so many ways, despite the fact that I still have moments of being weak at the knees. But I am very confident that within a few more months I will be ME again. Healthy and whole, with or without my H. T2
I just had a very strange and brief conversation with my H.
He asked if I was ready for him to come home. I asked if HE was ready. He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you sure?" "Yes." he said, and that was that.
Neither of us followed up with any questions or further discussion. It was almost as if just getting it said was conversation enough for now.
So I don't know if that means tomorrow, next week or today. (Most of his clothes are here already because he's been here since last Wednesday night)...
So I guess the NEW trial begins. The second (and last) attempt at cohabitation. THIS time we will either make it or we will put the final nail in this coffin of a marriage...
Don't reach for the pastries just yet!!! No reason to believe my late night snacking is catching, hon!
Wow! This IS exciting! And scary and wonderful....
Does your H KNOW that as you've had to change to make your life and your M viable again, so, too must he???
I know that when CJ told our C that he wanted to work on our M, I was overjoyed...but cautious. I told them both that I was relieved, but I wouldn't accept an R with CJ "at any cost"...that there were things I wasn't happy about and he would have to change as well.
That's the part we're still working on. That's what's still frustrating to me. T2, I STILL sometimes wonder if this is "good enough" for me! (see my latest post!).
But there really is only one way to find out...DO IT..be patient and gentle with yourselves and each other. Don't expect too much, less opportunity to feel let down.
Don't forget to pay attention to the positives, write them down. Look for overall trends vs daily ups and downs.
I'm hoping that my husband suffers amnesia and forgets our little chat about his returning home.
I feel like I'm giving up ground here. I didn't post any 'ground rules' didn't get any signed 'contract of commitment to R"....I feel like I'll loose ground just letting him plop himself down here again with no rules, so many things still unsaid...so many promises yet to be made, so many issues to be dealt with.
Okay, I'm really really nervous.
We can't just start living together like everything is rosey...can we? Of course not so now what? I DON'T want him to have the impression for one single solitary second that "all's well"...all forgiven/forgotten. Hell no, not till I'm absolutely certain that HE has faced his issues, and that he'll NEVER again see his horrific choices as viable alternatives to coming directly to me with his insecurities, pain or questions. I have to know for SURE that he sees all that or how will I know I can be safe to begin to really trust him THIS time?
T2
Just a suggestion, but why not journal/write about these concerns that you have. Maybe do it up in the form of a letter to H.
NOT one you will necessarily give to him, but one which outlines ALL of the fears/issues you can think of.
Putting them "out there" in writing will help in and of itself. Posting it here will give US a chance to help you formulate any action plans based on them.
Perhaps another thought is to sit down with your H and just ask HIM what this reconciliation means in his eyes.
How does HE see things going? This might give him a chance to allay some of your fears without you having to bring them up.
He might say something like "well we'll both have to work on things"...
You can ask "what kinds of things do you see yourself doing differently?"
I just started reading the book, "Getting Back Together." It starts off about how a S can be good, how is gives you time to heal bad feelings and how it should be a time of personal growth. It goes on to tell you how to make the reconcilition last. Sorry, I haven't read that far yet. I got the book from the library. See what you think. It may really help you right now. Good luck! Still hoping and praying to be in your shoes!!!! nik
(((((T2))))) 
