A new phase..Future uncertain-imagine that!

[Vdad]

Update,

Well...not sure if I have reached the end of my marriage here but here are the facts:

Had to drop by the house yesterday and she showed up after an interview she had. We sat down and talked and I confronted her on all of her post EA activity with new men. She had crossed a boundary established for the Sep. i couldn't just live with this any longer. She didn't say much other than it was innocent.

I asked her not to insult my intelligence as we both know that isn't true. I told her she was a married woman and it was innappropriate to say the least. I told her I am NOT ok with it. She then told me she wanted a divorce. I said I didn't want to stand in the way of her hapiness and hoped she found what she was looking for.

She told me she just doesn't have loving feelings for me anymore and didn't want to remain in the marriage. We talked about a few different things but I left ater that exchange.

On one hand it is very sad as I feel after the damage of both of our EAs we didn't do anything to try and repair the marriage. That will always be a point of regret going forward but I can't control her, don't want to.

So on we go apparently. She did have some weird body language when I asked her that if I moved on and was with someone else if she would be okay with that? She said she would want me to be happy but her BL was showing discomfort.

Well all you sage veterans of DB...What now. We will looking to do this as low budget as possible..What steps now? Very depressing weekend and I am alternating between relief and huge sadness.

Vdad

[Vdad]

So I got through the weekend in one piece. Pretty much managed to help friends move all weekend so I wouldn't dwell on this too much.

I alternate between a enormous sense of loss and sadness and then I'm okay for awhile.

I guess I know that others have actually repaired their marriages after being where I am at, but did it seem so impossible to you when your spouses were like this?

I don't want to give up hope but this seems so dismal. Do I just go dark? Act as if? Should I believe none of what I hear?

V

[karen43]

I guess I know that others have actually repaired their marriages after being where I am at, but did it seem so impossible to you when your spouses were like this?

I don't want to give up hope but this seems so dismal. Do I just go dark? Act as if? Should I believe none of what I hear?

V

I have seen some marriages go up to the brink of divorce and then reconcile. I know a close family member of mine was in the same sitch, with OW and pursuing D, and they reconciled. So I don't think it's hopeless ever, but being realistic is still prob. good. I think going dark and acting as if are good. GALing is more important than ever plus exercise. Work on some 180s. Work and focus on you and not your W. Don't believe what you hear but their actions let you know... ((((vdad)))) Karen

[whatdidido]

I've been reading your sitch off and on. When the separation began, I knew it would only lead her to living the single married life.

I felt like your wife did. I thought I didn't have the feelings that I should have toward my H anymore either. I rewrote history as well. It's not over. What kept me was that I did NOT want to be a part time mom, my beliefs of marriage, and that my H was making changes and doing things that made me realize I was crazy to want to leave him. From there is where I became educated on what was going on with me. Marriage is hard work, and those love feelings are going to change in whatever relationship you are in. Unless I wanted to change partners regularly I wasn't going to find what I was looking for. Now, I have grown to a place where I know what love is, what marriage is, and what I want. Your wife can get there.

What is working? What is not working?

[Vdad]

WDID,

Well that would be great if she came to those realizations. She is so done with the R. We agreed to start the D as she is not turning back. All I can do is be reasonable with her at this point to protect the kids.

My gut tells me this is over... Nothing is really working in terms of turning the R around.

V

[vickyd]

Hi V,

I hate making hasty decisions and would hate for you to do the same. Your signature says that you're been S only since 2/14. I know it probably seems like forever, but that is a pretty short time. Maybe you should wait a while before starting the D, do the S thing for a while, GAL, do NC, and see what happens. My H and I have been S since Oct. and although the first 3 months he seemed definitely sure about us ending, the last 2 months I have seen and felt a change in him. Wait and seem. It will be hard but Miracles do happen.

[Mellenmack]

I just wanted to agree with WDID and Vicky. Go slow. She wants the D, let her get with it. Don't even lift a finger to help her. I would make sure you take the kids for ALL of your scheduled time so that she can see what it is really like to be a part-time parent.

Good luck.

Melissa

[Vdad]

Vicky/Mel,

I am not in any hurry but she is now hell bent on this. Its funny that I have read so many other's situations that are exactly here where I am at and I didn't understand the feeling until now.

Before I was battling waywardness, trying to DB, and now the whole situation looks different through the prism of a impending D. She is just SO certain she can never come back into a R with me. Meanwhile she has REALLY started communicating, viewing other M, including the OM again. I actually feel like I am detaching for real this time. It just doesn't affect like it did before. I can see it happening but the anxiety is gone. MOre of a distant viewpoint on the whole thing now. Watching but not affected much. Is this how it goes?

It seems to come down to arriving at a place where you know there is nothing you can really do about it other than DB the best you can and watch to see what happens.

I told her I didn't want to stand in the way of her happiness, and probed her (as some sort of closure for myself) as to the viability of any reason for us to reconsider. Of course that was shot down so I said okay and turned to the reality of how to deal with finances and other coordinated things that two people splitting have to work through.

It ended friendly enough as I stopped all R talk. So weird to be at this place. Alternating between sadness and feeling of relief..

All strange...

V

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yes, this is exactly how it goes, VDad -- try to hang in there. Some of them turn away abruptly from their course when the OM/OW dumps them, or they have some sort of "epiphany" moment and the lifts enough for them to see more clearly the destructive path they are on. Others never do.

You are doing well in what you've stated your priorities are at this point.

Puppy

[Vdad]

Puppy,

Glad to see your back! Well it's a journey thats for sure. I think my wife may be in the last catagory (Never Do). But what do I know for certain.

Question: I have the intell still in place but I am getting weary of looking at it. Now that the D is moving forward. How long would you keep it in place? Not sure how healthy it is anymore for me.

Thoughts?

V