You said: "I know that for the longest time, the trust thing was VERY iffy...and in my case rightly so. ...I think my biggest breakthrough was in really KNOWING that I could at least trust MYSELF to be okay not matter what CJ did."
That's exactly what I try to do. I am trying very hard to build my resolve. To tell myself that I am fully capable now of living a life without my H...IF he should ever show signs of failing again. I intend to continue growing for myself, finding meaning to my life without him and finding happiness for myself that doesn't depend on finding it in, or with him.I have told my H several times since the bombs...that if he lies he's only lying to himself. That he can't BS me anymore because I'm no longer in the game. NOW, I just have to convince myself of that so that I can breath. So that I can stop looking over my shoulder, picking through every word he says looking for ulterior motives, deceptions or ommissions, it's exhausting and no longer worth my energy.
The truth is, part of me wants to keep going forward without him, to get past all the final pain, to scratch and claw my way through all the stages of the grieving process of the loss of this marriage and begin to rebuild my own life without him. I read LLs post this morning and it struck a cord with me. Like LL I think I'm tortured with questions of what do I REALLY WANT. What's best for ME at this point?
I think for the past year, I stayed so focused on getting my H back that I was ignoring the signals I was sending myself to let go and move on.
I'm older than most of you on this board, I'm 50, so I faced fears that most of you didn't have to deal with. In the beginning, when bomb #1 hit, suddenly I felt old. I feared never being worthy or desireable to anyone again. I feared I was destined to spend the rest of my life looking at love from the outside, seeing it only in the lives of other people. When bomb #2 hit, I was further devestated and even more convinced that my 'womanliness' was wiped away. Until the bombs, I was a confident, relatively successful career woman, I saw myself as a success as a mother (I have two handsome, good citizens for sons), financially I am in a decent place (not rich, but I can pay my bills and maintain my 'average' lifestyle). BUT when those bombs exploded I felt as though my H and the world were telling me that all of that was gone. That I was passe. That it was time for me to step aside, that I was used up and no longer valuable because I was OLD.
It took me a full year to recover from that mindset and I didn't even see some of the good things I was doing for myself while in it. Last year, two months after bomb #1, I went back to college....six months later (and after bomb #2) I was promoted and given a 10% raise at work. I rediscovered some woman friends, and although they're happily married I found them accepting of me in their circle without my H. While I am here struggling to pull my M back together, my individual/personal life seems to be taking care of itself, despite my relationship pitfalls.
I am becoming a better person for myself. I am seeing the light at the end of this horrific tunnel, I am beginning to realize that I don't have to settle for what I'm being offered here. I've also come to realize that while I may never have the good fortune of being truly loved by my H or any man again that that doesn't mean I can't be fulfilled in my life without that.
I am NOT giving up on my M just yet but I am finding that making MYSELF happy and getting back on my feet self esteem wise is FAR more important to me now. I actually have to stand in front of the mirror sometimes and LOOK at myself in order to remind myself that I am still attractive and vivacious and that my Hs cheating WASN'T MY FAULT it was HIS.
There is still a great deal of work to be done both on my M and on ME. I will do 100% of the work on ME, but only 50% of the work on US. I have already given more than my share, it's time for him to do the heavy work.
I'm in a good place with H right now. He's come a long way...but NOT far enough. I don't know how far he's capable of coming. I've realized that in some ways, I'm expecting him to be a man he NEVER was. The truth is, he's always kept a certain emotional distance between us, he's always kept his guard up. He's never been a hearts and flowers kind of guy, he's always thought of his needs, wants, feelings first before ANYONE elses. So I shouldn't be shocked that he was capable of an affair, I shouldn't be disappointed that he's still closed up in many ways because that is who he's always been and if that can't change then I'm not sure it'll be enough for me anymore. I'd rather be 'alone' without him, then to feel alone with him....I've already been there, done that for too many years.
All of the above is NOT meant to sound down and desperate, it's actually an enlightment and it gives me hope for ME and I need that more than I need to wallow in the pain of what's happened these past two years.
So I will NOT be asking him to come home. I will NOT bring it up again. BUT, if he should ask again to come home I will let him and see where things go from that day on. Whether he comes home or not, I'm going to allow this to take it's natural course and end up where it's meant to. T2
