To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[brandnewday]

Sanderika,
Let me first say one thing before I answer your questions.
I made many many mistakes. I did the begging and the pleading. I refused to detach and would get sucked into all of the drama in his life. I thought my situation was different then everyone elses, and refused to listen to the advice of others here. Finally, finally after many months of hell, I got it.

Did your H behave like my H is, by not really leaving me 100%?

My Husband was a very bad MLC'er. He eventually moved out after about a year of hell and drove 3000 miles away to start a whole new life for himself. Yes he kept in contact, but it was definately not friendly. I think it was mainly to do with the kids and to keep some type of control over me.

Did your H test the waters, sort of speak, time and time again?

I think he began to test the waters about a year or so after he left. He did fly home a couple of times for a quick 3 day visit. The first visit was a disaster, all we did was fight. 6 months after that he came again and by this time I had learned to keep my mouth shut!

Can you described his behaviors to us as he went through it?

He began to call more frequently and actually want to speak to me, not the children. He began to tell me about his day, and share things with me. Eventually he would call and we would be on the phone for hours at a time.

To be perfectly honest with you, as much as I was glad he was talking to me, not OW, it was emotionally draining. It was all about him and his problems and he treated me like his new best friend, not his wife. But I was advised to listen and to be there for him.

He would get mad if I was unavailable for him, and yet if I tried to call him it would usually go straight to voice mail. He seemed at times to spiral out of control and would be all over the place emotionally.

How did you exactly treat H while he was in MLC?

During the different stages of MLC I treated him differently. Honestly, it was very hard to try and be kind all of the time. I was tired of being a single Mom, and having no money whole he was out living a single lifestyle. But I did learn how to validate, and to keep my mouth shut. I learned how to listen. I stopped telling him about things at home and kept our conversations very light. I prayed for him daily. I never badmouthed him to the children or told them what was really going on.

What was the turning point that made him come home?

He had come home for a quick weekend visit and I had completely detached. I was happy with my life and although I loved him very much, I was finally at a point where I was ready to accept being Divorced. I think my carefree attitude helped, because I was getting on with my life without him and this scared him. He also said that he felt welcome in our home and was surprised at how well the kids treated him. He thought I had poisoned their mind against him.

What were the indications from H he was getting close to returning?

We began to talk daily and one day he ended our conversation with I Love You. I couldn't reply, I was in shock. It took months for me to say those words back to him. I had learned to detach so well, that I was basically numb.
He one day asked me if it would be OK with me if he came home. It was pretty simple. But it took him 6 months to finally do it. The problem was that my Husband had created a whole new life for himself as a siongle Man with a new name, a new job, etc. He had to go to his boss and tell him the truth about his life, and he was very scared.

I know every sitch is different because of circumstances and the people in them, but it would be nice to know how your 5 years played out.

In 2002 my FIL died very suddenly. My Husband was in complete shock and basically changed overnight.

In 2003 I got the bomb.
In 2004 he moved out.

In 2007 he came home.

I want help and I want to do it the right way....You see I still believe we have a great chance to R.

You will not save this Marriage by yourself, it takes two. Until the OW is out of the picture it will not succeed. In my opinion, especially since he has put the Divorce on hold, it may be time for a talk, a serious talk.

Right now you are being offered crumbs, you get the leftovers. I would not stand for being second best, ever!

Eventually this will grow tiresome to you, and you will begin to get resentful and angry. You will wonder why you wasted your time with someone who treated you like this.

You will finally say something that will piss him off and he will turn around and say Sanderika, you have not changed!!!
This will throw you back into a depression because you have worked so damn hard to be a better person and he has not.

Once those rose colored glasses come off....then you will see things in reality.

The prize is you, not him. Do you understand that?

I believe you want him back so badly that you are willing to do it at any cost, even if the OW is involved.

Your Husband is not stupid. Why the hell should he give up OW when he has two women wanting him and no consequences.