Retrouvaille saved me - AN #3

[AnotherNightmare]

I did not realize GAL was so time consuming. Do not even have time to post here.

I have been reading a lot over the last couple of days. I would say the key book I am working through right now is "Love without Hurt". I have had quite a few revelations, even though I just started reading the Bootcamp section and even though I have read similar or even the same statements here on this BB several times.

On Friday, I went to IC and, of course, we started talking of what I had done and what my W had done during our 17-year M. For the first time though, I started realizing (though post-session) what this was doing to me. It created resentments. It created doubt in my mind if I was the only one abusive in our R. Was she not abusive as well? Did she not hurt me badly in this situation or that? Did she not say I was selfish (which typically is something the abuser says)?

I am still not able to identify these feelings in the "heat of the moment". So if my W had been with me in that session, I am sure I would have turned it into some kind of bashing session. But when I started thinking and reading about it, I realized something that Stosny put into perfect words:

When you die and go to judgement, they won't ask you what your wife did.

A lot of people here say focus on yourself, because you cannot control your W (or any other people for that matter). No question, this is one of the most importance pieces of advice you get here. But I always wondered why this is so important. I finally found the explanation in Stosny's book, or let's say it became crystal clear to me.

As long as I focus on my W and try to change her, I feel powerless and inadequate, because I realize time and time again I cannot accomplish anything this way. I then start to feel resentful towards her and probably act accordingly or even worse, I become abusive. Anyone who is treated like that becomes resentful as well, and as an end result our M will go to he!!.

Even though I have known for quite some time, I am now more determined than ever to change myself. And with any luck, something that Gandhi once said becomes true for my M: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

AN