Hi Shiny, It's great to be back on the board. To answer your question:
Quote: what do YOU find most anxiety evoking about the idea of him moving back "for good"?
I think my fear that I still have a long way to go to trust him. NOT because he's doing anything that says I shouldn't...but the flashbacks, the lies, the deception, still haunt me. I think the truth is that I don't trust my own 'instincts' now. I'm afraid to 'believe' anything because I now know how cunning he can be. I'm afraid that either he or I will blow this LAST chance (as I see it) by slipping into old behaviors. I'm almost afraid to get 'comfortable' with him, for fear I'll let my guard down and 'miss something.'
It's horrible the way I have become so paranoid, so distrustful of my ability to "SEE" what's REALLY going on around me in my M/R.
I know that I'm also still struggling with 'forgiveness'...can I really ever 'forgive' him...can I accept what's happened and move on to a new R with him without dragging all the old baggage along with me. Do I really want too?
It's amazing how we fight to pull our lives with our spouses back together and then, when it looks like it's really possible to do so, a whole new set of fears, doubts, and hesitations sneak in and take over our minds.
I was thinking yesterday of just how much I'd love for my life to feel 'normal' again...and my greatest gut wrenching fear is that 'normal' is now out of my reach, that I'm domed to take a version of 'normal' now that is really only acceptance of what is, with no firm feeling of safety for what will be.
I have decided NOT to bring up the 'coming home' issue. He said it, so I'll let him bring it up again if he wants to now that things are getting back to normal following the hurricane. It's insane that when he wants to come home and try...I become filled with fear of actually going thru with it.
I probably didn't make any damn sense with what I've just said...my mind is cloudy lately. T2
Your feelings are totally NORMAL!!! Just ask anyone here who's gone through it!!!
Now my perspective is necessarily different as CJ never left the house physically.
What I CAN tell you is that you CAN indeed work through these issues of trust, safety, etc. WHILE living together. Perhaps a good idea is to discuss not having TOO high hopes for how the reunion will be.
For example you might fear that "letting him come home" might mean to HIM that you're "over it" and hence you migth feel constrained about bringing up these very issues that still need resolving.
I know that for the longest time, the trust thing was VERY iffy...and in my case rightly so. ...I think my biggest breakthrough was in really KNOWING that I could at least trust MYSELF to be okay not matter what CJ did.
The trust and forgiveness often come in bits and pieces, it's a process, not an event. IMO of course.
Your anxieties are totally understandable, even, I hate to say it, predictable (based on what I've read here).
But decisions based in fear.....hmmmm....what if your worst fears about the reunion NEVER come to pass...how would you feel in 40 years if you passed on this chance???
T2~WOW!!!!!! What thoughtful posts. Glad you have Shiny to help you as someone who has been through it already!
You story about Isabel brought back memories for me. Four years ago, Floyd hit us very hard. We had been in our new ("dream") house (you know, the one that is for sale now ) for three months and the house literally fell apart around us. It was the most awful experience for two people who until then had lived in maintenance free townhosues.
Looking back, I think that was the beginning of the end for us. The stress of rebuilding plus the financial strain (and other probelms...) slowly ripped us apart.
My point is....I am SO glad to hear that another hurricane, four years later (almost to the day of Floyd) brought two people togther!! Hang in there and you will weather this storm too!!! (((((T2)))))
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I have been trying to catch up on your thread but don't have time right now I am going to visit my mom. I am still posting on Newcomers & also on MLC. Please stop by. The d is suppose to happen on Thursday & I miss your words of wisdom.
When you have few minutes, would you mind checking out my last post. I stole something from a response you gave to someone else and I don't remember who , but I found it interesting.
...that IS a great thing indeed!
...I think my biggest breakthrough was in really KNOWING that I could at least trust MYSELF to be okay not matter what CJ did.
) for three months and the house literally fell apart around us. It was the most awful experience for two people who until then had lived in maintenance free townhosues.