To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[Sanderika]

Good Morning brandnewday,

The changes I made were triggered by my H leaving. Let's say that was the kick in the a$$ I needed to snap back to reality. I finally became aware of who I had become. I MADE THE CHANGES FOR ME along with everyone else in my family and life (friends included). See I was hateful and unkind and unloving to everyone and I can see that now (even my poor little boy). There isn't a person I know right now that had good things to say about me then.

With that being said, I MADE THE CHANGES because I also wanted to and knew I needed to. The funny part is once I started to make the changes I enjoyed watching my own progress and I started to like me again. You see I even was mean and hateful to myself. I was in a very deep depression. The events that triggered it were cancer deaths of two women I adored w/i 8 months of each other along with a feeling I was overwhelmed and exhausted and having a downright "pity party" every moment of every day.

I am back to being the "Sanderika" my H fell in love with years ago and back where I belong.

YES, I agree I am the one doing all of the work in the R. BUT he would also agree that he is trying. Albeit he is with OW. He has gone from literally hating my guts to enjoying me and feeling comfortable again. I really hurt him and this family. I would also agree that I don't work as hard anymore as I used to to win him back.

I do not make contact to him ever, like I used to. For a year now I keep my distance and carry on and do whatever I choose to do without his regard.

The changes he has made would be with his heart and emotions.
He has kept contact because of the changes I made and he can see there is still a chance for us to R. He says he wants to R. He says now more than ever before the M can be R.

I know he is still with OW and 3 can't be in a marriage.
YES, this is a huge problem, it is causing me frustration and confusion. His reluctance to let her go is not a step towards the R of this M.

I think you have me pretty well figured out. I think I may be a lot like you were. I feel good when he gives me attention. It is a sign there is still hope for us. He knows exactly how I feel as well. He knows I want this more than anything. I do not tell him I love him. I am hoping he will realize that there is comfort here and he is not judged here, I am hopeful that through my treatment towards him he will wake up and just say "that's were I want to be".

I am no longer afraid of D. I am ready mentally for it. I just am hopeful that my H words are truthful and he is working on us and R and this is his way of doing so. I don't make sense now and it is hard to write what I want to say.

I agree the OW in his life is not OK. I agree that his MLC did not need to involve OW. He told me he had to leave when he did because he was becoming depressed too. He told me he did not have to find OW and he now wishes it hadn't happened. Fact still is...it did.

I think maybe I don't have the detaching thing completely figured out. I make no contact and I do nothing for him ever. Is it not detaching to allow him to make the contacts? I am not always available and that he has complained about more than once.

I think you are right about reattachment. I am finding it very difficult and he must be too. Maybe that is where we are right now. He and I have both said we have become somewhat settled into our own routines. Maybe I am missing this point too.

You do realize I do not know what I am doing here.

I have gone from the bottom of the well to where I am now. My marriage was in the bottom of the well with me and it is still alive today albeit very damaged and in need of more help. Maybe we can't fix it. Maybe it's been too long and too much hurt has been dished out on both sides. All I know is how I truly feel and I want to repair the damages and put this family back together for all of us.

I practice patience, forgiveness and love and kindness with H....Isn't that a place to start to heal the damages?

Please keep posting to me....I have my own thread in solution journals. I don't know where I really belong on this board so I post there.

Thanks again TCBTE for letting us use your thread...Hopefully the discussions will be helpful to you too.

Thank you very much brandnewday....please have patience for me, I am slow to accept things and make changes....

Sanderika