To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[ddstartingover]

I may have actually learned something in my sappy romance novel last night. The main character devoted her life to getting close to the man she loved. She followed him since she was 12 years old, put herself in a position where she could be near him when his wife died, and set herself up to become his nanny for his young daughter. She longed to have him love her as she loved him. When she confronted him with her feelings, he told her that he loved her, but he didn't know if he could ever look at her and love her the way she wanted him too because he felt like he needed to take care of her.

This is so much like my situation in that I have devoted my life to my H and all I ever wanted in return was his love. What I got instead is betrayal, and lies. I've spent so much of my life devoted to him, his needs and my kids's needs, that I don't even know what makes me happy or what I want in life without him. Everything I try to do to GAL or move forward just seems like acting. Nothing seems real. Nothing seems like me. I have often wondered if there really was anything or any part of me that would be worth fighting for. I can understand why my H remains "unwilling" to want to work on us.

After I get past that hurdle, then I get stuck on the fact that maybe all of this is just who I am. Maybe I really am no one without him. Maybe all I am is a good mother who thinks of everyone else first. And I think, if this isn't good enough for H, then he doesn't deserve me----or my devotion......

I know I made a lot of mistakes in my M. I've taken a lot of the blame and responsibility for what led up to the absolute worst time of our marriage-----but H is the one that turned to OW. He's the one that chose to do this. I will not let him ever blame me for this. He can't even come clean and admit that he is still with her-----is it all because of the legal ramifications?? I think not. Whatever led him to this very dark place, whatever is holding him there is all on him. All of this has changed him. I don't know if he will ever be that person he was for the first 45 years of his life. I don't know if it's even possible. If there is anything left of who he was, I can understand the turmoil he is going through.

The aliens have him. He hasn't once asked how my mother is doing. He is so detached from everything but the kids and their baseball/softball schedules. So I know it's not just about me. I know that whatever this is has changed him deep to his soul----and I wonder if he will ever come out of it. I am resolved to live my life as if he won't.............but still don't know who I am without him and don't really know what direction to take.