To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[ddstartingover]

I may have actually learned something in my sappy romance novel last night. The main character devoted her life to getting close to the man she loved. She followed him since she was 12 years old, put herself in a position where she could be near him when his wife died, and set herself up to become his nanny for his young daughter. She longed to have him love her as she loved him. When she confronted him with her feelings, he told her that he loved her, but he didn't know if he could ever look at her and love her the way she wanted him too because he felt like he needed to take care of her.

This is so much like my situation in that I have devoted my life to my H and all I ever wanted in return was his love. What I got instead is betrayal, and lies. I've spent so much of my life devoted to him, his needs and my kids's needs, that I don't even know what makes me happy or what I want in life without him. Everything I try to do to GAL or move forward just seems like acting. Nothing seems real. Nothing seems like me. I have often wondered if there really was anything or any part of me that would be worth fighting for. I can understand why my H remains "unwilling" to want to work on us.

After I get past that hurdle, then I get stuck on the fact that maybe all of this is just who I am. Maybe I really am no one without him. Maybe all I am is a good mother who thinks of everyone else first. And I think, if this isn't good enough for H, then he doesn't deserve me----or my devotion......

I know I made a lot of mistakes in my M. I've taken a lot of the blame and responsibility for what led up to the absolute worst time of our marriage-----but H is the one that turned to OW. He's the one that chose to do this. I will not let him ever blame me for this. He can't even come clean and admit that he is still with her-----is it all because of the legal ramifications?? I think not. Whatever led him to this very dark place, whatever is holding him there is all on him. All of this has changed him. I don't know if he will ever be that person he was for the first 45 years of his life. I don't know if it's even possible. If there is anything left of who he was, I can understand the turmoil he is going through.

The aliens have him. He hasn't once asked how my mother is doing. He is so detached from everything but the kids and their baseball/softball schedules. So I know it's not just about me. I know that whatever this is has changed him deep to his soul----and I wonder if he will ever come out of it. I am resolved to live my life as if he won't.............but still don't know who I am without him and don't really know what direction to take.

[brandnewday]

After I get past that hurdle, then I get stuck on the fact that maybe all of this is just who I am. Maybe I really am no one without him. Maybe all I am is a good mother who thinks of everyone else first. And I think, if this isn't good enough for H, then he doesn't deserve me----or my devotion......

It is time for you to start focusing on yourself, NOT your Husband.

You are so much more then you think you are, and you do not need your Husband to make you feel whole.

You may want him in your life, BUT you do not need him.

Once you begin to realize this, then things will begin to change for you.

[Sanderika]

Good Morning brandnewday,

The changes I made were triggered by my H leaving. Let's say that was the kick in the a$$ I needed to snap back to reality. I finally became aware of who I had become. I MADE THE CHANGES FOR ME along with everyone else in my family and life (friends included). See I was hateful and unkind and unloving to everyone and I can see that now (even my poor little boy). There isn't a person I know right now that had good things to say about me then.

With that being said, I MADE THE CHANGES because I also wanted to and knew I needed to. The funny part is once I started to make the changes I enjoyed watching my own progress and I started to like me again. You see I even was mean and hateful to myself. I was in a very deep depression. The events that triggered it were cancer deaths of two women I adored w/i 8 months of each other along with a feeling I was overwhelmed and exhausted and having a downright "pity party" every moment of every day.

I am back to being the "Sanderika" my H fell in love with years ago and back where I belong.

YES, I agree I am the one doing all of the work in the R. BUT he would also agree that he is trying. Albeit he is with OW. He has gone from literally hating my guts to enjoying me and feeling comfortable again. I really hurt him and this family. I would also agree that I don't work as hard anymore as I used to to win him back.

I do not make contact to him ever, like I used to. For a year now I keep my distance and carry on and do whatever I choose to do without his regard.

The changes he has made would be with his heart and emotions.
He has kept contact because of the changes I made and he can see there is still a chance for us to R. He says he wants to R. He says now more than ever before the M can be R.

I know he is still with OW and 3 can't be in a marriage.
YES, this is a huge problem, it is causing me frustration and confusion. His reluctance to let her go is not a step towards the R of this M.

I think you have me pretty well figured out. I think I may be a lot like you were. I feel good when he gives me attention. It is a sign there is still hope for us. He knows exactly how I feel as well. He knows I want this more than anything. I do not tell him I love him. I am hoping he will realize that there is comfort here and he is not judged here, I am hopeful that through my treatment towards him he will wake up and just say "that's were I want to be".

I am no longer afraid of D. I am ready mentally for it. I just am hopeful that my H words are truthful and he is working on us and R and this is his way of doing so. I don't make sense now and it is hard to write what I want to say.

I agree the OW in his life is not OK. I agree that his MLC did not need to involve OW. He told me he had to leave when he did because he was becoming depressed too. He told me he did not have to find OW and he now wishes it hadn't happened. Fact still is...it did.

I think maybe I don't have the detaching thing completely figured out. I make no contact and I do nothing for him ever. Is it not detaching to allow him to make the contacts? I am not always available and that he has complained about more than once.

I think you are right about reattachment. I am finding it very difficult and he must be too. Maybe that is where we are right now. He and I have both said we have become somewhat settled into our own routines. Maybe I am missing this point too.

You do realize I do not know what I am doing here.

I have gone from the bottom of the well to where I am now. My marriage was in the bottom of the well with me and it is still alive today albeit very damaged and in need of more help. Maybe we can't fix it. Maybe it's been too long and too much hurt has been dished out on both sides. All I know is how I truly feel and I want to repair the damages and put this family back together for all of us.

I practice patience, forgiveness and love and kindness with H....Isn't that a place to start to heal the damages?

Please keep posting to me....I have my own thread in solution journals. I don't know where I really belong on this board so I post there.

Thanks again TCBTE for letting us use your thread...Hopefully the discussions will be helpful to you too.

Thank you very much brandnewday....please have patience for me, I am slow to accept things and make changes....

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

TCBTE good morning to you too....

I took all the blame in my marriage failure. I know he was to blame as well. In the MLC part of his world (which he will not admit he is having) he placed all the blame on me until I believed it through to my core. It is just now that he is starting to admit things like: I could have been more attentive and giving. I know I was not always here for you. I know I was selfish....and the like.

I realized for a long time I believed what he was saying so I would defend myself to him and then one day I decided I was not going to take that anymore.

I have worked very hard to overcome depression and become me again. I am a wonderful person and very remarkable for having taken on my recovery alone and I parent alone and take care of my home alone. I am not a slouch and I do what I need to do.

The last time he tried to blame me for everything I told him I would not defend myself to him ever again. I would not defend my actions for anything I do to him ever again. This was several months ago now (back when he filed for the D). I went further and told him I was me again and I liked myself and was very proud of how I handle things and take care of everything. I also told him I thought I was quite a catch for someone. To that he agreed.

Like I wrote to BND above, my H admitted he had to leave but he also admits he didn't have to find OW. It just happened. I would be dumber than a rock to believe that this OW doesn't mean something to my H. I only hope that me, son and our almost 30 years together (minus the past few) still have a place in his heart and he is realizing it's way to much to lose for her.

I think like you I have devoted my life to H and the life we have made together and it is just so hard to let go of. I don't want to let go I guess. I don't think my H can either though. If he can't, what's stopping/keeping him from returning? Perhaps this just takes a lot of time and patience.

I do know we would not still be talking and such if I had not treated him well during all of this. Perhaps that too is foolish and it will certainly be if this does come to a D. I have come to realize that I will have to never ever see, talk, hear him ever again if I am to ever get over him and have a life without him in it.

I also don't understand how someone can spend 25-30 years or longer with someone and then leave them just like they never knew them. I also do not know how someone can turn so cold. I have to think it's how they justify their OW and their shame and guilt.

I have to believe you are a wonderful person. You are important and valued. Do not think for a minute that you are anything less. You are a mother to some, family to others and friend to many...YES, you are wonderful!!!!

Please take care...I wish you well....

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

brandnewday....

You said your H was in MLC for 5 years. You also said it was very hard on you and this I certainly believe. I am living what you did.

Did your H behave like my H is, by not really leaving me 100%?

Did your H test the waters, sort of speak, time and time again?

Can you described his behaviors to us as he went through it?

How did you exactly treat H while he was in MLC?

What was the turning point that made him come home?

What were the indications from H he was getting close to returning?

I know every sitch is different because of circumstances and the people in them, but it would be nice to know how your 5 years played out.

I want help and I want to do it the right way....You see I still believe we have a great chance to R.

Thank you,

Sanderika

[brandnewday]

Sanderika,
Let me first say one thing before I answer your questions.
I made many many mistakes. I did the begging and the pleading. I refused to detach and would get sucked into all of the drama in his life. I thought my situation was different then everyone elses, and refused to listen to the advice of others here. Finally, finally after many months of hell, I got it.

Did your H behave like my H is, by not really leaving me 100%?

My Husband was a very bad MLC'er. He eventually moved out after about a year of hell and drove 3000 miles away to start a whole new life for himself. Yes he kept in contact, but it was definately not friendly. I think it was mainly to do with the kids and to keep some type of control over me.

Did your H test the waters, sort of speak, time and time again?

I think he began to test the waters about a year or so after he left. He did fly home a couple of times for a quick 3 day visit. The first visit was a disaster, all we did was fight. 6 months after that he came again and by this time I had learned to keep my mouth shut!

Can you described his behaviors to us as he went through it?

He began to call more frequently and actually want to speak to me, not the children. He began to tell me about his day, and share things with me. Eventually he would call and we would be on the phone for hours at a time.

To be perfectly honest with you, as much as I was glad he was talking to me, not OW, it was emotionally draining. It was all about him and his problems and he treated me like his new best friend, not his wife. But I was advised to listen and to be there for him.

He would get mad if I was unavailable for him, and yet if I tried to call him it would usually go straight to voice mail. He seemed at times to spiral out of control and would be all over the place emotionally.

How did you exactly treat H while he was in MLC?

During the different stages of MLC I treated him differently. Honestly, it was very hard to try and be kind all of the time. I was tired of being a single Mom, and having no money whole he was out living a single lifestyle. But I did learn how to validate, and to keep my mouth shut. I learned how to listen. I stopped telling him about things at home and kept our conversations very light. I prayed for him daily. I never badmouthed him to the children or told them what was really going on.

What was the turning point that made him come home?

He had come home for a quick weekend visit and I had completely detached. I was happy with my life and although I loved him very much, I was finally at a point where I was ready to accept being Divorced. I think my carefree attitude helped, because I was getting on with my life without him and this scared him. He also said that he felt welcome in our home and was surprised at how well the kids treated him. He thought I had poisoned their mind against him.

What were the indications from H he was getting close to returning?

We began to talk daily and one day he ended our conversation with I Love You. I couldn't reply, I was in shock. It took months for me to say those words back to him. I had learned to detach so well, that I was basically numb.
He one day asked me if it would be OK with me if he came home. It was pretty simple. But it took him 6 months to finally do it. The problem was that my Husband had created a whole new life for himself as a siongle Man with a new name, a new job, etc. He had to go to his boss and tell him the truth about his life, and he was very scared.

I know every sitch is different because of circumstances and the people in them, but it would be nice to know how your 5 years played out.

In 2002 my FIL died very suddenly. My Husband was in complete shock and basically changed overnight.

In 2003 I got the bomb.
In 2004 he moved out.

In 2007 he came home.

I want help and I want to do it the right way....You see I still believe we have a great chance to R.

You will not save this Marriage by yourself, it takes two. Until the OW is out of the picture it will not succeed. In my opinion, especially since he has put the Divorce on hold, it may be time for a talk, a serious talk.

Right now you are being offered crumbs, you get the leftovers. I would not stand for being second best, ever!

Eventually this will grow tiresome to you, and you will begin to get resentful and angry. You will wonder why you wasted your time with someone who treated you like this.

You will finally say something that will piss him off and he will turn around and say Sanderika, you have not changed!!!
This will throw you back into a depression because you have worked so damn hard to be a better person and he has not.

Once those rose colored glasses come off....then you will see things in reality.

The prize is you, not him. Do you understand that?

I believe you want him back so badly that you are willing to do it at any cost, even if the OW is involved.

Your Husband is not stupid. Why the hell should he give up OW when he has two women wanting him and no consequences.

[ddstartingover]

I do want to focus on myself. I KNOW that I do not NEED him. Sometimes I wonder if that is one of my faults. Maybe I've been too independent and did not rely on H enough.........I've always done everything myself. Yes, I want him in my life. I want him in my life for me----and for my kids. I do not want the alien he has become. I want the person that he used to be.

I do not try to focus on him. I am making progress on that, but I can't totally detach-----he remains very involved with the kids----we have to have contact about them, but I am not contacting him first any more. However, this is also making it very difficult for me to move forward. For example, I wanted to spend time with my mother this weekend. It was "my" weekend with the kids, but they all had various schedules that involved H and ball practice. I chose to stay home yesterday rather than take all the kids to see Grandma. I stayed home, rather than rock the boat-----or initiate contact and have one of the kids miss a ball practice.

I woke this morning thinking "how did my H get to the point where he sees me and OUR kids as separate packages??" He wouldn't have them without me----however now it seems he only wants them, and nothing to do with me. By any stretch of the imagination, even with my faults in the marriage, THIS is not something I could ever deserve. I am a good person. I have always put everyone else first............but it doesn't matter. However, I know that none of those thoughts are productive.

No matter what happens. I do not want to be resentful and angry. But----I do feel those feelings creeping in, sometimes more than a creep. I need to know how to keep them at bay. I don't want this to all end in some sort of war. I don't want my kids in the middle of a war. However, I feel like we're dragging and pulling them between the two of us and our two homes now-----and I want them all to myself while he is in this alien state!!!

[ddstartingover]

So, I drove the 30 miles to pick my mom up yesterday and bring her back to my house so I could take her to the doctor. After her appt., we picked up the kids from school and played the waiting game----waiting to hear from H about when he would be picking up the kids for the night. I had assumed it would be 5:30, since that is what it was last week. I decided that I needed to get mom back home and get her some dinner, so when I got his e-mail saying he thought he could be here around 6, I sent a simple reply. I told him that they would be ready, but that I had to leave to take mom home.

He hadn't asked me how mom was since I told him we were at the ER last week. He didn't reply to my e-mail asking how she is doing. Nothing. This person he has become does not care about me or anything that is attached to me-----except our kids.

Yesterday I did final battle with the contractor who did our remodel. I sent in payment for the final bill. I've done that all on my own------all the decisions (6 months of them), all the battles about what was done, or not done. I also took all the trash in to town, again. That was the last responsibility he had here. Despite the fact that he had moved out, since he has a truck, he was taking our trash in to town. It got to the point where I had to ask if he could take it in----after weeks went by. So, I decided I would no longer ask that of him, and I now take it in, in the back of my mini-van.

I am on my own. I accept that. I don't like the fact that I have to share my kids with the alien my H has become. But, I do. On these days that I wake in this huge house by myself, the unfairness of it all hits me all over again----but I don't cry about it like I used to.

I have a hair appt. today. I may go blond...will see............I am subbing the next two days and Friday one of the cats is having surgery. I am trying to stop hoping that she doesn't survive it...........sorry, but I HATE cats, and this particular one likes to pee on my carpet. She is D12's cat----she LOVES her, and despite my feelings about her I'm doing my best to keep her around............Funny, I DO hate cats, and now have 3 of them living in my house. The other two cats were strays rescued from a parking lot------thought it was temporary, but I guess that was just me.

Anyway, I have a busy rest of the week, and I guess that's what I need...........

[ddstartingover]

Happy birthday H. This is the first time we haven't celebrated your birthday (in some form) in almost 30 years. I am on no-contact, so here is my greeting to you.........I hope that in the coming year you can reconnect with the person you were before the alien invasion. I hope that you can truly understand what you have done to us and our family. I hope that you can look at OW and see that she is all part of it --- she helped them find you. She convinced you that I was the enemy, and that what we had was NOTHING. I hope you will be able to fully understand all of this and also know that I am still here, and I am ready to fight for our marriage. It's time to grow up, take responsibility for what you have done, push the aliens away and ask for forgiveness ----but then you have that witout even asking. It's time for you to get over the feelings of guilt that you told me you have, and get to work to repair the damage.

I had a good week. I kept very busy. I got heavy blond highlights - which no one must like (either that or it just looks like my natural color since I had dyed it dark in the fall and still had dark color....). D15 and one of her friends were the only ones that commented without prompting. No word from H. But I didn't expect anything. The cat survived her surgery - will probably be peeing on my carpet for another 10+ years.

I did lose it Thursday night when D15 asked if we would be going out to dinner Saturday (for birthday). I told her that I was sure she would be going out to dinner --- but I would not be invited. I had some anger building and kind of let it all out. I told her that it was extremely painful for me ---to think that after almost 30 years I was the last person her dad wanted to spend his birthday with, and I still don't understand it all. She doesn't know about OW. I've let him keep that secret. It's so secret he denies that they are still together. I have been very open with her about the fact that none of this is anything that I want. We have talked about the changes in him, and I have cautioned her about his drinking and to be careful not to let him drive her and the kids if he had been. It's all way too much pressure for a 15 year old. But what else can I do? I apologized for being emotional, and told her that I wish I could help her understand all of this, but that there was still so much I didn't understand myself.

I asked on several occasions if there was something the kids wanted to get for his birthday, and no one had ideas. So there was no gift purchase made. I encouraged them all to make cards...

[Sanderika]

brandnewday...Hello

I have read your post no less than 14 times this past week. I want you to know that you have given me a huge amount to think about.

I feel like your sitch was identical to how mine is.

You describe your H and his behaviors and you might as well be talking about mine. All of your answers to my questions is how it is here.....

My H has done everything yours did except come back.

NOW, I am going to do my best not to piss him off so he won't be able to say "S you haven't changed one bit". I walk on egg shells around him and am more than gracious and accomodating.

NOW, that being said, I agree with you something has to change here because what I am doing is not working.

I spent the last week out looking for a second job. My current job which I am keeping doesn't pay my bills and H hasn't provided one red cent to us. I am losing my ability to support my son and I so I will roll up my sleeves and get another job.
I can have one in elder care but the pay is horrible. I can start on Thursday. I will probably do that though.

You made me think real hard. I have not set boundaries except that I do not ever contact him for anything no matter what. I do not keep him informed about son either. I ask for nothing. I will not tell him I am out getting a second job.

I agree that I need to have a R talk asap.

brandnewday, you actually scared me. I did not like what you said. I do not see any changes occuring in my sitch. I think you are right on the money. I also want to thank you for your time and honesty.

I am hoping my second job will create a huge unavailability of myself to H. I am hoping he will start to wonder why I am never around. I wonder if perhaps this will empower me further to make some better choices as well. Perhaps, who knows, if H sees I have actually moved on in my world he will not want to lose me and will want to be a part of it again.

I am also very lonely, I am hoping this will open doors for me to meet new people and create a bigger circle of friends for me.
I already have great friends but everyone is coupled up and I am always a fifth wheel. I usually fit in cause they love me but I am frequently very uncomfortable as well.

I need more in my life. I am thinking I have waited long enough for H to decide I am worth taking a chance on.

Thank you brandnewday, please keep in touch with me...I have a ways to go and the drama will not end right away.

Sanderika