Hi Shiny, It's great to be back on the board. To answer your question:
Quote: what do YOU find most anxiety evoking about the idea of him moving back "for good"?
I think my fear that I still have a long way to go to trust him. NOT because he's doing anything that says I shouldn't...but the flashbacks, the lies, the deception, still haunt me. I think the truth is that I don't trust my own 'instincts' now. I'm afraid to 'believe' anything because I now know how cunning he can be. I'm afraid that either he or I will blow this LAST chance (as I see it) by slipping into old behaviors. I'm almost afraid to get 'comfortable' with him, for fear I'll let my guard down and 'miss something.'
It's horrible the way I have become so paranoid, so distrustful of my ability to "SEE" what's REALLY going on around me in my M/R.
I know that I'm also still struggling with 'forgiveness'...can I really ever 'forgive' him...can I accept what's happened and move on to a new R with him without dragging all the old baggage along with me. Do I really want too?
It's amazing how we fight to pull our lives with our spouses back together and then, when it looks like it's really possible to do so, a whole new set of fears, doubts, and hesitations sneak in and take over our minds.
I was thinking yesterday of just how much I'd love for my life to feel 'normal' again...and my greatest gut wrenching fear is that 'normal' is now out of my reach, that I'm domed to take a version of 'normal' now that is really only acceptance of what is, with no firm feeling of safety for what will be.
I have decided NOT to bring up the 'coming home' issue. He said it, so I'll let him bring it up again if he wants to now that things are getting back to normal following the hurricane. It's insane that when he wants to come home and try...I become filled with fear of actually going thru with it.
I probably didn't make any damn sense with what I've just said...my mind is cloudy lately. T2
