But if you're really determined, you're going to have to walk through an emotional minefield.
It is so true and tonight had to be one of those nights
My wife was asking me if I could suggest a nice restaurant for her and one of her girl friends to go. I made a suggestion and she made the comment that I knew it was good because I took one of my girl friends there. She said it in a playful matter but me being the dumb a$$ I am, replied that she would know that I had a girl friend because I would not be talking/hanging out with her anymore outside discussing matters pertaining to our daughter. She then told me that that wouldn't be fair for our daughter and that she needed to have a normal childhood. I told her that our daughter was not going to have a normal childhood because it is not normal for her to not have her father with her every night. She then asked me what I am going to tell our daughter if she asks why we are not talking anymore and I told her that I would tell her that mommy made a choice to not want to try to reconcile with daddy and that there has to be boundaries.
Well, I can tell my wife was not happy with that comment and she got mad at me and told me that she tried to make it work and that I would need to tell our daughter that daddy walked out on the family. She then told me that if I got re-married that I would neglect our daughter. I told her that I wouldn't but that there had to be boundaries to protect the marriage. I knew this conversation was not going to go anywhere good, so I told her that was going to talk to her latter. I then went to my bed and cried.
I texted her later to tell her that I would never neglect our daughter and that the point I was trying to make was that family is everything to me now. Maybe I shouldn't try to defend myself and just let her vent. Ahhh, I feel like crap right now as I am listen to Daughtry's "it's not over" to try to encourage myself. I know that she is going to need a lot of time to realize that I am not the same person, but that still hurts and I am sure she is still hurting from what I did.
I am feeling very needy right now and just want to talk to her - to tell her how much I love her, how much she and our daughter means to me. I know I must resist the urge and just suffer through the night. The thing is that I am truly regretful for what I did. And I get so mad at myself sometimes for doing this to my family and myself. This pain I feel inside is self-inflected and there is little I can do to change that. All I can do is hope that one day is comes to realize that I am not that same person. That perhaps one day I will get a second chance.
The thing is, I told my wife that I wouldn't talk to her not because I wanted to be rude or mean, but because it would be the only way I know to move on. It would hurt to much that be with her and to not have her back as my wife. I just cannot stop crying. Tomorrow I officially start my new job and this is the last thing I need right now. Ahhhh,scream,vent. I'll be okay. I'll get through this somehow. No one said this process was going to be easy. I feel like texting my wife something among the lines "why do you think I don't have a girl friend" but that would be pushing it.
I guess I am just missing my family. I know that my wife is hurting, but I sometimes wonder if she realizes how much I am hurting. I wish I could be honest and tell her how I really feel. Sometimes this fake it till you make it thing sucks.
My heart is still so fragile and feel like I just want my life back. To return to the norm. Well, I feel a little better now that I've vented.
Last edited by lovenomatterwhat; 03/02/0905:28 AM.
