Oh Amy, your post touched me. It was so raw and real. I do not know your whole story, but I think I know enough.
I think you have to forgive yourself before he can forgive you completely You are definitely correct here and I've already been down that long, horrible road (a few times!). Forgiving myself was my biggest obstacle and I am sure it is singly responsible for it having taken 3 years for us just to get this far. I finally was able to forgive myself once I understood who I was back then and the reasons I made the choices I made. Also, once I was able to appreciate all I've learned from the experience. It is still hard to know I was so ignorant and self-centered but if I hadn't been, I wouldn't know what I know now. My husband has been locked down emotionally for over 3 years and has just begun to really express himself in the last 4 months. It is hard to hear but it is very necessary to the process. I am willing to go through this part because he needs to no matter what becomes of us. . I think you have to trust yourself before he can trust you completely Again, you're right. There was a time I couldn't have listened to the things he said without defending myself. It is because I'm finally past that stage that I was able to lie in that bed and just listen. Before, I'd have had to duct tape my own mouth shut. Not so anymore. So I trust myself in that regard. And he is obviously starting to as well.
He wants so much to be able to feel safe with you. He wants reassurance, I think, that you really who you seem to be, that you are not going anywhere I totally agree with you on that. When we were in the truck, I was going to get out for a minute and grab my drink from my car. He said "Just don't leave me...". I said "I'm never leaving you again". I can't express how serious I am about that either. I don't care what happens or what opportunities may present themselves in the future, I'm not leaving him again. Ever. As it was I did not get out of his truck until the tow truck arrived and I had to move my car. Over the last couple years I've had to express that to him on more than one occasion. Even during an argument one night when he TOLD me to leave. I said "No, never again" and that argument actually came to a quick, and good, conclusion. .
You are right, I think, to just let him lead. I hope he takes you where you both want to go. I think you both deserve it. I don't know about that word "deserve" but I wouldn't mind one day finally "arriving" and us both feeling like we actually earned it - whatever 'it' may be!
