Last night I was on the way home from a friend's house when Jeff called my cell. He was stuck in a ditch waiting for AAA to come tow him out. He had dropped D13 off at her friends house who's driveway is pitch black and it was pouring down rain and he just backed right into the ditch. With all the rain his tires were just spinning so he'd called for a tow truck then he called me to basically kill time. The rich step dad in the house apparently didn't want to get his hair messed up so he didn't even come out to try to help. Jeff was only about 5 miles or so from where I was so I said I'd drive over and sit with him since the tow truck was going to be 45 mins. I called S16 and told him what was going on and he was about to go to bed so he was just like "Ok. Good night". I got to him and climbed in the truck with him and we talked until the tow truck arrived. I then followed him home and went in with him.
I ended up spending the night.
He went to his computer saying he had a song he wanted to play for me. It was one he played for me shortly after I moved out of the house. I'll put the lyrics at the bottom of this post.
Anyway when we went to bed we were laying there on the pillows just looking at each other and he said "What happened to this?". Then he kept talking... He said "This would be S16's room. D13 would be in her room and we would have a room off the other side of the house by now". I said "I know" but really did not have time to say anything else. He quietly said "I hate you for that" then he grabbed me and said "I don't hate you. I wish I could hate you but I could never hate you...I want to dissolve this relationship but I don't want to....because I don't know what is going to happen...". I started to ask him if he wanted me to file but I didn't get the words out because he started telling me to turn over on my other side so I did. Then he demonstrated how for so long he would get into our bed and try to snuggle up behind me like he always had before and hold me and he said "but you wouldn't have it". I said "I know honey, I remember. I'm sorry.". Inside I was screaming because the conversation was making me so angry at myself. To hear him putting into words these things that I have known...is very hard. But I listened. And I let him hold me. And later I held him. I basically held him all night. Even through the kicking phase that his body goes through (it's from the back and neck surgeries and general muscle spasms) that always used to put me on the couch. Not last night though. At one point I wrapped my legs around his so he couldn't kick anymore and eventually he calmed down and fell into a good sleep. I barely slept at all for thinking and wondering if this part is too much for him to go through. The busting out of all the bricks in the wall. I mean, he went through hell to get to the point where he actually detached. Then soon after that I started pulling my head out of my ass. Then of course, I screwed his head up again with the pea brained stunt to make that profile of myself...then the legal separation 2 years ago...and the back and forth ebb and flow ever since then...to the last 4 months of - hell, I don't even know what to call this! It is hard though. Hard for me yeah but it is even harder for him because it requires somuch of himself to be put on the line again.
I will keep doing exactly what I've been doing because it's natural and real therefore it's pretty stress-free, until moments like last night of course... But I will continue to let him set the pace and we'll see where he takes us.
Lyrics -
Am I The Kind Of Man The Marshall Tucker Band
Am I the kind of man That lives by his heart Who believes in God almighty Not fearin' the devil or the dark Always there when you need me to be Hold your hand, say I love you In those hours of need Wish you could close your eyes Truthfully one day say them things to me
Am I the kind of man That thinks he's strong To stand up in a crowd And admit when he's wrong When you're in trouble To no one else you'll ever plead Knock on my door, say honey You're the man I needed to see Wish you could close your eyes Truthfully one day say them things to me
I know I ain't been much But I'm tryin' Things have been rough lately I'm not denyin' But I'm gonna try somehow To be a better man 'Cause my heart and soul Is tryin' as hard as it can
Am I the kind of man Who believes in peace Who'll stand up and fight in a minute Over something that he believes Loves all his brothers Treats his elders with respect Never heard me say that I don't give a damn What the hell, who gives a heck
Wish you could close your eyes Truthfully one day say them things to me
'Cause you're the only woman alive That can make that kind of man out of me
Oh Amy, your post touched me. It was so raw and real. I do not know your whole story, but I think I know enough.
I think you have to forgive yourself before he can forgive you completely You are definitely correct here and I've already been down that long, horrible road (a few times!). Forgiving myself was my biggest obstacle and I am sure it is singly responsible for it having taken 3 years for us just to get this far. I finally was able to forgive myself once I understood who I was back then and the reasons I made the choices I made. Also, once I was able to appreciate all I've learned from the experience. It is still hard to know I was so ignorant and self-centered but if I hadn't been, I wouldn't know what I know now. My husband has been locked down emotionally for over 3 years and has just begun to really express himself in the last 4 months. It is hard to hear but it is very necessary to the process. I am willing to go through this part because he needs to no matter what becomes of us. . I think you have to trust yourself before he can trust you completely Again, you're right. There was a time I couldn't have listened to the things he said without defending myself. It is because I'm finally past that stage that I was able to lie in that bed and just listen. Before, I'd have had to duct tape my own mouth shut. Not so anymore. So I trust myself in that regard. And he is obviously starting to as well.
He wants so much to be able to feel safe with you. He wants reassurance, I think, that you really who you seem to be, that you are not going anywhere I totally agree with you on that. When we were in the truck, I was going to get out for a minute and grab my drink from my car. He said "Just don't leave me...". I said "I'm never leaving you again". I can't express how serious I am about that either. I don't care what happens or what opportunities may present themselves in the future, I'm not leaving him again. Ever. As it was I did not get out of his truck until the tow truck arrived and I had to move my car. Over the last couple years I've had to express that to him on more than one occasion. Even during an argument one night when he TOLD me to leave. I said "No, never again" and that argument actually came to a quick, and good, conclusion. .
You are right, I think, to just let him lead. I hope he takes you where you both want to go. I think you both deserve it. I don't know about that word "deserve" but I wouldn't mind one day finally "arriving" and us both feeling like we actually earned it - whatever 'it' may be!
You know Amy, reading your thread and your reply to my post helped me see something.
I blame myself in my sitch because I was so depressed that I made my h's life so difficult. And people keep telling me that I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time and that my intent wasnt to hurt him.
Now, reading your post where you say if only you werent so self-centered and ignorant, I am understanding what people are telling me.
You did the best you could at the time and your intent was not to hurt him. You were going through something you had no control over, no understanding of.
I think you still have a way to go to completely forgive yourself. But it is something you must do to move through this whole. Something you have to do for your h, but ultimately, for yourself.
You have soul-searched and walked the walk. You have faced your demons and have come out the other side. So I reiterate that you deserve a chance.
Let your h know, without a doubt, that no matter what happens regarding your marriage, you will not leave his life again.
Tonight D13 and I had to go to a pet handling class because starting this weekend we are volunteering at the SPCA for at least the next 6 months. When I dropped her off Jeff was on the phone with his parents. I figured he'd be a while and I was starving so I left. By the time I got home he had called so I called him back. After he updated me on his parents and I told him my and D13's schedule for Saturday he said "what are you doing Friday night?". I told him S16 had asked to use my car because it is he and his girlfriend's "6 month anniversary" (LOL). He said D13 was going to a dance. I laughed and said "Well I could have S16 drop me off at your house and he can pick me up after his date". He got a chuckle out of that too. When we hung up (so I could eat) he said for me to let him know about Friday. I told him I'd call him back in a bit which is what I will do shortly since I just finished stuffing my face and now I feel all fat, dumb and happy.
There are those who see the realities of their spouse along with their own many faults in stark light too. Somehow they see it all and yet, still, they choose to love. They choose to focus on the good, and to compliment it, and strongly favor it. As for the bad, and not so good, they learn to compensate, overlook, accept, or work around....they try hard to do what is the goal; to see their spouses as God sees them. Through His eyes...
I just have to say....THANK YOU ! what wonderful posts ! I think it's wonderful that you and your H are finding each other again, slowly, through the pain, and very pure. I think it's awesome.
(I often pray to get that chance one day...even now, that I feel I've accepted that H is happy and not coming back..)
those last words you saved by 25years...PRICELESS !
Thanks so much for your posts ! They are helping many I think, and I am so glad that you are doing well !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Apparently this is virgin territory for the boards as there are no resources for this sort of thing! I read in Piecing last night and got a little insight but not much that I haven't already figured out for myself. I feel somewhat isolated but it's not like I haven't "winged" it this far - LOL!
No firm "date" for Friday, Jeanette - we're at the mercy of the kids - but we will definitely see each other Saturday if not Friday
