Last night I was on the way home from a friend's house when Jeff called my cell. He was stuck in a ditch waiting for AAA to come tow him out. He had dropped D13 off at her friends house who's driveway is pitch black and it was pouring down rain and he just backed right into the ditch. With all the rain his tires were just spinning so he'd called for a tow truck then he called me to basically kill time. The rich step dad in the house apparently didn't want to get his hair messed up so he didn't even come out to try to help. Jeff was only about 5 miles or so from where I was so I said I'd drive over and sit with him since the tow truck was going to be 45 mins. I called S16 and told him what was going on and he was about to go to bed so he was just like "Ok. Good night". I got to him and climbed in the truck with him and we talked until the tow truck arrived. I then followed him home and went in with him.
I ended up spending the night.
He went to his computer saying he had a song he wanted to play for me. It was one he played for me shortly after I moved out of the house. I'll put the lyrics at the bottom of this post.
Anyway when we went to bed we were laying there on the pillows just looking at each other and he said "What happened to this?". Then he kept talking... He said "This would be S16's room. D13 would be in her room and we would have a room off the other side of the house by now". I said "I know" but really did not have time to say anything else. He quietly said "I hate you for that" then he grabbed me and said "I don't hate you. I wish I could hate you but I could never hate you...I want to dissolve this relationship but I don't want to....because I don't know what is going to happen...". I started to ask him if he wanted me to file but I didn't get the words out because he started telling me to turn over on my other side so I did. Then he demonstrated how for so long he would get into our bed and try to snuggle up behind me like he always had before and hold me and he said "but you wouldn't have it". I said "I know honey, I remember. I'm sorry.". Inside I was screaming because the conversation was making me so angry at myself. To hear him putting into words these things that I have known...is very hard. But I listened. And I let him hold me. And later I held him. I basically held him all night. Even through the kicking phase that his body goes through (it's from the back and neck surgeries and general muscle spasms) that always used to put me on the couch. Not last night though. At one point I wrapped my legs around his so he couldn't kick anymore and eventually he calmed down and fell into a good sleep. I barely slept at all for thinking and wondering if this part is too much for him to go through. The busting out of all the bricks in the wall. I mean, he went through hell to get to the point where he actually detached. Then soon after that I started pulling my head out of my ass. Then of course, I screwed his head up again with the pea brained stunt to make that profile of myself...then the legal separation 2 years ago...and the back and forth ebb and flow ever since then...to the last 4 months of - hell, I don't even know what to call this! It is hard though. Hard for me yeah but it is even harder for him because it requires somuch of himself to be put on the line again.
I will keep doing exactly what I've been doing because it's natural and real therefore it's pretty stress-free, until moments like last night of course... But I will continue to let him set the pace and we'll see where he takes us.
Lyrics -
Am I The Kind Of Man The Marshall Tucker Band
Am I the kind of man That lives by his heart Who believes in God almighty Not fearin' the devil or the dark Always there when you need me to be Hold your hand, say I love you In those hours of need Wish you could close your eyes Truthfully one day say them things to me
Am I the kind of man That thinks he's strong To stand up in a crowd And admit when he's wrong When you're in trouble To no one else you'll ever plead Knock on my door, say honey You're the man I needed to see Wish you could close your eyes Truthfully one day say them things to me
I know I ain't been much But I'm tryin' Things have been rough lately I'm not denyin' But I'm gonna try somehow To be a better man 'Cause my heart and soul Is tryin' as hard as it can
Am I the kind of man Who believes in peace Who'll stand up and fight in a minute Over something that he believes Loves all his brothers Treats his elders with respect Never heard me say that I don't give a damn What the hell, who gives a heck
Wish you could close your eyes Truthfully one day say them things to me
'Cause you're the only woman alive That can make that kind of man out of me
