I have been wanting to write to you as I see you've made some progress. But, work had been in the way. I have a weekend off finally, and need to get some things done around the house. You are doing really, really well. I think our H's are somewhat similar. I am not sure why, but going dark has been good for me. I did call him on my BDay and I cried a little bit. He never even said Happy Birthday to me until I flat out said, "Today is my BDay." Then he said it. He did show a little compassion for me in his voice when I began to weep, so I guess that is good.
First off, I love what Laurie said to you. She's awesome!
I posted a note to a thread I had there on the Newcomers board and she posted back. Really good advice, Laurie. THANK you. I think you are absolutely right about not giving him the chance to be mean to me. I really am starting to realize how mean he is by not acknowledging me. It's so weird tho. He seems to want to talk to me when I call, but then he can't stay on long...always has to go.
Here is a reminder of what Laurie said:
"As you already know JJ, your feelings aren't the best way to gauge the interaction - the outcome is a more true indicator (and I know you know this too!)." That is so true....
If I could just let it sink in a little and process it myself, I may be able to glean some personal self-knowledge out of it too.
One think I have to write here is an outcome of my convo with him last weekend. As you know, he called and said he wanted to "settle" and basically, get this over with. He gave me his atty's phone number, but when I called her, she never called me back. She did call him and they talked on Monday, but so far, I haven't heard a thing. That's what gets me, when he's mad, (and he was mad from something I said to him on Valentine's Day) he wants to rush things along. But, now, I'm back in limbo again. He hasn't called to set up a time. His attorney never called me back either. So, here I sit.
I did mention the scenario to my IC last night and I told her about DB and "baby steps" and she did see his "compassion" as a bit of a step. But apparently it's not enough.
I'm just going to clean my house today and maybe take myself out for a salad in the afternoon. Might go for a massage tomorrow. We'll see.
Jojo, when I figure out how our H's are similar, I'll write it here. BTW, we were married for 12 years, now going on 13. He was gun-ho and hellbent on divorcing me last summer. That was almost ten months ago. What has changed?
hugs, poet
p.s. I think I feel much more comfortable posting here than on my own thread/s.
After our phone conversation, went to my mother's house. When I arrived, my mom asked what time it was. 'D' said, 'it's 1:11 pm'... SEE WHAT I MEAN?
J . O . U . R . N . A . L (For anyone who reads this, this is my way of gauging my feelings and processing them.)
Current Goals
1.) Going Dark for another 3 weeks.
Things I want to do. a.) Start jogging. b.) Going to masseuse c.) Whiten Teeth d.) Continuing W.W. e.) Doctor appointment f.) Put in new door in basement g.) Continue with glassing project h.) Have girlfriends over for outside brunch by fire i.) Research about buying new furnace ... ick j.) Buy new shoes for work k.) Wash car l.) Go to new church ... 2 in area want to see m.) Tend to parents ... mother will have another operation n.) Make luncheon for my friends Ted and Kevin o.) Get estimate on new closet in kitchen p.) Go to the movies!!!
2.) In 4 weeks, going to IKEA to buy a sink 3.) Stay positive and remember that God is with me.
Just had time to say good morning, but I'll be back, JoJo!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Hi Laurie and jojo, I'm at the gym right now. This day has been pretty calm for me. I'm sure my IC is helping me. I am in, what is called, EMDR Therapy, for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom. My IC says I have to most work on not letting my thoughts scatter. I seem to be moving in hyperactive mental motion because of all the anxiety over the past 10 months.
I do have something new to report about my H. A friend of mine has his phone number programmed into her phone and his name - somewhat - rhymes with mom. When she voice her mom's name in yesterday, it called him instead. She said he sounded very "gruff," even when she apologized for calling the wrong number. I know I can't read him and I do not have any business trying to, but it kills me knowing he is still so angry that he's being gruff to people he doesn't even know on the phone.
I know he is in pain, while mine is beginning to fade. I am sure the pain I felt was from being mistreated, but I must also take my share of the blame. I am not sure, but maybe some of my pain is from - sub-consciously - knowing that I was half to blame for this mess.
I do still love him. I wish there was a way I could get to where jojo is in my recovery. I know it takes time.
Journaling:
1. Went to church today and the sermon spoke of fasting for 40 days and 40 nights. I plan to make this happen.
2. Also, the preacher spoke about our treasure that was stolen over the past year (my husband); and how it must have been in the wrong place. Now, I must look inside my heart and see the treasure, instead of looking elsewhere. What is my treasure? What do I want?
3. One thing is for sure. I want happiness and human contact, which I'm lacking right now. I'm very lonely.
Thank you both for listening. Would love to hear your thoughts.
Hi Poet: I'm glad that you are trying to take care of yourself. Maybe your fasting can be to try not to contact your husband for 40 days and 40 nights. You need food right now to stay emotionally healthy.
Snowed today! We're expecting a big storm tonight. Drive time to work tomorrow is supposed to be awful.
J . O . U . R . N . A . L disclaimer: Writing helps me gauge and process thoughts and feelings. It's a way to release these feelings so I don't have to hold onto them. Because of this, bad thoughts and feelings do not have a reflection on my actions and behavior. At the same time, the good thoughts, feelings, and gratefulness are reaffirmed and developed.
Today, I relaxed and visited with my parents. We watched old movies. Later, I took a nap. My only day off this week. It was nice to re-coup...still am.
Listening to music... Read a magazine... Watched HGTV & Food Network (my rockstars) Next...book on CD (strange concept for me)
I have been thinking that I am at a new stage of dbing. The balancing of both going dark and touching base is a new experience in this restoration. I believe that this is a new level for me. I feel like I've graduated.
There is a bit of risk taking in both of them, but I enjoy the confidence building. There seems to be a good potential for a nice harmonious fit with the both of them.
My date to reach some attainable goals is August 31. It is a good prayer and something that I can visualize the steps I/we have to take in order to get there. I feel like the little train that could.
Temptation brings us down the wrong roads when we give into them. What I often find is more upset and more disappointment, especially with myself. So, what do I do? I give in some more. It is a place that God doesn't want us to go to in the first place. I ask God to forgive me for not trusting him. Trusting him and allowing myself to have total faith in him is 'oh so' difficult sometimes. I believe very strongly that he is asking me to trust him, believe in him. But sometimes, I doubt and the feeling sorry for myself 'snowball effect' begins. I just talk myself right over toward temptation. What happens? One bad choice after another happens. I hardly even struggle with it. I just jump because I think I'll feel better. I don't feel better. My hope just diminishes. So, I won't let it happen some more. I'm nipping it in the bud and fighting back. I won't let myself get off of my positive track toward my positive goal. I can do this! Stresses will be resolved...sooner or later (hopefully sooner)...financial issues, going off my diet because of it, crying because I don't want my parents to worry, feeling lonely because 'A' is having a life that he chose not to have with me. It's a spiral heading downward. I will choose HOPE. It's a struggle, but I am holding on. Nights are tough.
I am reading 'I do, again'. The tears rolled down my face, but it has encouraged me. I did not have an affair, but it gives me hope for many reasons. I recommend the book.
