To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[Sanderika]

Hello brandnewday,

First, thank you very much for talking with me, I always hoped we could converse.

I do count the time. We have been so far and agree that with all this time spent we have travelled miles back towards each other.

It has taken us a long time to get where we are now. He went from hating me literally to enjoying my company now and feeling comfortable around me and son again and enjoying talking with me. Albeit there is still a strain, I am well aware of, or else he would have returned before now.

I agree H is eating cake. I was depressed before my H left and I was a monster to live with all around. I was hateful and mean and unloving to everyone, I mean it when I say this.

One of the things I did, and I am not proud of, is I turned my H down for sex and hugs and kisses for a VERY LONG TIME (A VERY LONG TIME). I was so into myself I could not be kind to him and he probably got the brunt of my behavior. I HURT HIM SO BADLY. I am crying as I write this.

I count the time because I have spent the past 43 months being kind, loving, friendly and supportive and commited to my H. In finding me again I found my love for my H and my family. I am proud of the time I have taken to "get me back" again. I look at it as a personal achievement as well.

I have done miles of 180's and made huge progress. My H watched me during the whole process and it is only in my changes and the way I treat him and others that he has even been able to remain in my life. He has now admitted he wants the M to reconcile. He asked for 6 months from our court to work on it. I feel he is not just all talk to get out of proceeding (I do have the thought he was just all talk). I would be lying if I didn't admit that hasn't crossed my mind.

I treat him well and that has brought a mountain of changes to us.

brandnewday, I would love your advice since your H came home. What can I do differently than I am already doing?

I have maintained a 180 in my appearance and style of living. I am very good at gal and have a lot of friends. I do have a 12 year old I can't leave alone more than I already do. I have a PMA as much as possible and will admit I have down moments. My H never sees me down, I won't allow that. I make no contact with H at all. Any contact he initiates and I will admit I am not always available. I do not have an answering machine on my landline for that reason. I do not always answer my cell. This he has complained about before. I still leave things the way they are. Neighbors have said he has been here when I am not so I feel pretty good about not always being available to his whims.

I guess the only boundary I have set is NO CONTACT BY ME. I DO NOT CALL, TEXT EMAIL or SEE my H on my own. I DO NOT HELP HIM WITH ANYTHING AT ALL, EVER.

Since he made the statement in court 5 weeks ago I did invite him to supper and to spend the night to test the waters, but he had called me to chat, and it was going well so I invited. He did come up but only after he seemed to have to think about it and finish work. So...I learned from that I won't invite him again anytime too soon.

I want him back and am very open to any suggestions. I am very reluctant to stop the sex though since that is something that has truly brought us back to the current state we are in. AND, by the way, we do not always have sex when we are in each others company...I would say that runs 50/50. Re-inventing our sex life after such a bad dry spell has been good for us.

brandnewday, I hope I have given you some insight into where we are...I would welcome your thoughts and ideas. I agree I need some new strategies, thank you again, I appreciate your time....

TCBTE, sorry for the hijack and thanks for letting us post on your thread.

Sanderika