To the mother ship: WHEN DO I GET MY HUSBAND BACK?

[ddstartingover]

TOH - well, he's only been out of the house since July-----but I guess the separation started before then.

It is very frustrating!! However, lucky or not, that my H is desperate to hold on to time with our kids----I think it makes it harder because NO contact is impossible. At this point, I think he's desperate to show that he can be a good father and be screwing OW. Since he's a lawyer----I KNOW he's mostly worried about what could happen to him in any kind of settlement. I might be wrong----he really may not be THINKING at all, but you know..................I also know about the guilt calls........

[theotherhalf]

TCBTE, My H is holding on because of our farm. As long as there is no divorce he can continue. He tried real hard to give it all up and convince himself that he's done that and it's now time to do something else. He had every opportunity to end it all in the last week. It didn't happen. For whatever reason. And your right, who knows what they are REALLY thinking if at all. It's just so frustrating!!!

My H moved to our camper in Apr.07 then moved to town Aug07

[ddstartingover]

When my H moved out he took his clothes. All of his THINGS from our 29 years together are still here. All of his dad's things are still here (his dad died a year after we were married). This house and our property used to be everything to him, now he can't stand to spend 5 minutes in it............and what he's doing now is A-OK!?!?!??

[Sanderika]

Hello Ladies.....

My H left such a long time ago.....but then again not really, he won't let go. Actually he is fence sitting and won't let go of either side. I do not want the D so I will not force it. I want him home he still seems content in MLC land and OW gets all his good time and attention.

We have had 3 court dates:
1st one (11/18/08) H postponed (work conflict - He drives a truck for a living)

2nd one (1/13/09) my L postponed (case conflicts with the court schedule)

3rd one (1/20/09) H postponed (told the judge he wanted the M and to R it within 6 months - she granted him the postponement to July 20, 2009 she said she would rather a marriage reconcile than D in her courtroom)

When my H moved out he only took clothes and not all of them. The rest of his stuff is still here and over the past 42.5 months he has even brought more stuff over to store in the cellar or barns. I know he still considers this property his. The facts are that he left it years ago and I stayed and it is mine more than his now.

When my H moved out he wouldn't have anything to do with son or I for 4.5 months and then he slowly started to come around. He has maintained the same activity since Jan. 06, son only recently started to get invited on a regular basis to H's activities. In the past month son has been invited with H 3 times and that is a record for sure.

Historically I see or hear from my H once in every 7 to 14 day period. There is no consistency to his calls or visits. 9 out of 10 of his visits here, he hides his vehicle from view from the road. We have two barns and he usually parks behind one of them.

It dawned on me a couple of months back that I am officially my H's mistress. It was after receiving a christmas present from him. It was the first gift H had bought me since 2004.

My H and I own a great deal of property and a corporation. I am trying not to believe that he is hanging on only for the sake of "his" assets and doesn't want to lose any of it to me.

I am sitting here very low today....I truly believe H is having another change of heart with his decision. It would be something like his 29th change of heart. I am not kidding here!!! This MLC crap appears to have no real end in my world.

TCBTE and TOH, I have read about both of your sitches and followed along. I am reluctant to offer advice and post to others because I don't have "it" figured out at all. I do know we have very similiar sitches and we can find comfort from each others and who knows it might help out if we converse on our day to day stories, if nothing else it is support from people who can share your highs and lows in a caring and concerning manner.

I wish you both well....and you are in my thoughts....we need friends during all of this and the support here is priceless.

Sanderika

[theotherhalf]

Sandra, your so right, our sitch's are sooo simular. My H seems so like yours. He does the same thing with parking his truck. It is usually up by the sheds so it can't be seen from the road.

And TCBTE, all of my H's things are still here too. All except for some of his clothes and his hunting stuff. It really makes no sense at all.

Sending my prayers to you as well. Thank you.
TOH

[ddstartingover]

Woke up yesterday to 5 inches of snow. We had 65 degrees on Wednesday. D12 had a bb tournament. H called and said he was gassing up the 4wd and could come pick us up and drive us all to the game. I said that would be great, but didn't he have baseball practice in the gym with s10? He said, oh yes, I guess we do. Said he would meet us there. Showed up late, said he thought the roads would be better, so he took his other truck----and had trouble with the ice on the side roads. (All makes perfect sense)

There was no offer to come help dig out our driveway, or any concern about me getting there in my mini-van. (We live in a rural area and have to mostly use small 2 lane roads to get where we are going-----they are often the last to be cleared.) So, I called a neighbor and asked if I could hire his brother (needed his number) to blade my drive. He said, he could do it much easier and would be over----I offered to have a check waiting for him. He said we would talk. It felt good to get it taken care of and not dwell on the fact that H wasn't at all concerned.

On the way home from the tournament got a TM asking if I would just pick S10 up from his place when we got back. I replied that we would be home in 10 minutes, he could meet us there. he was there when we got there. He came in. Spent some time with S10, talked a bit about the bb games with D12. On the way out he asked if the neighbor charged me for the drive. I said no, that he said we would talk later. He said good. That he hoped he wouldn't charge since he recently helped him put out a brush fire. I thought, how odd - he could make that leap about how the neighbor should help me out since he helped him out----no thoughts about how he should have been over here helping me get OUR kids out. But, that's what the aliens have done to him. He cares about no one but himself-----and the kids.

Now that ball season is really winding up, he will have the best of all worlds ----- practices are now scheduled so that he is with D15 on Sunday afternoon, and Tues. and Thurs. evenings. D12 will be on Wed., with pitching lessons on Sunday mornings. It will soon be Mon. and Wed. He takes S10 to the gym on Saturday afternoons. All that he wants-----lots of time with his kids----and I can't complain about practices because he helps coach them all. I'm sure it will make time with OW harder to arrange, so I guess that's something........

His b-day is next Saturday. I asked D's what they wanted to get him. They have no ideas. I know I won't be getting him anything. I will buy something for them to give him, but they have to have the idea.

[Sanderika]

Hello,

Their lack of attention and concern for us is one of the hardest things to accept. It goes even further when they show complete disregard for their kids as well. My H has been places where he was so completely checked-out you'd of thought he never knew us at all.

My H has been with the same OW for almost 43 months now and she has NEVER met our son(12). Apparently she has complained to our mutual friends of the fact but it will get her no where. I do not want her in my son's life and I will defend that to my death if I have to. Apparently H is quite comfortable with this as well because he has never suggested he meet her or vice versa.

My H has virtually had no contact with our son until recently. H has basically had a life of total freedom to do as he pleases for the past 3.5 years. Early on in the sitch I asked my H to watch son 3 times and was turned down on all 3, that's how selfish he is or hopefully was. I hope he is reaching a turning point in his MLC finally with the words in court 5 weeks ago. He is now asking to have son join him in his activities.

I think you are very fortunate to have a H that wants to be such a big part of your kids lives. And it appears for now they have not met the OW either. It's good he's so involved with them because it is all the more time he is not with her.

I think a connection with them will keep a connection between the two of you as well. I think a connection is good whether it be the kids, a farm, a company, mutual interests, etc...
For my H and I, we have never really let go of each other. We have created a new friendship and that feels very good. I hope he backs up his words and doesn't let us down again. My son knows what H said in court.

I wish H would let go of the OW, to date he has not. I wish when he came over he would not hide. I wish he and I could take this to another level very soon. I do not want to waste our next 5 months before the next court date in July.

I do not invite H to son's activities. It evolved due to H's lack of interest in son during this MLC. I do not contact H even about son related issues. I have taken them all on myself. My son has mild Asperger's Syndrome and has been a challenge to say the least. I take care of his therapy and school issues alone. I never ask H for a favor or to help us either. I have a friend who plows my drive and has brought us 3 loads of firewood this winter. My friends are wonderful, that's another positive about being in a small town.

My H actually did get us one load of firewood (his idea) back on Thanksgiving weekend. My H plows his path and spot behind the barns so he can sneak in and out at whim.

I bought my H B-day presents for the first 2 birthdays he was gone. Last year I did nothing for him. He has not bought me a birthday gift in so long I can't remember the last one. It was long before we separated though I am sure. And like I posted before, last Christmas was the first gift he had given me since '04. I did not suggest son get H a gift last year for either B-day or Christmas. It comes to a point when it doesn't feel good to give anymore when there is no reciprocation. Someday, hopefully this can all end and we can feel good and give to each other again.

I am sick and tired of being a single parent. I have reached the point where I have had enough, the only problem is I am stuck in this role. Just this morn I had a meltdown about this. I asked son to do something and got flack about it. I lost it.....I ended up going for a long walk which I regretted because it was only 16 degress outside. I am fed up with being lonely too. The company of a 12 year old doesn't cut it!!! I love him to pieces but we don't have much in common. I have never been a 12 year old boy and didn't have brothers, so d*mn it....it's really hard!!!!

I wish there was more advice from the lucky ones who got their H's back after a long time separated and gone....I would like to know how they did it. The no contact thing, which is what I practice doesn't seem productive, but is hopefully working.

My son wants lunch....I will keep checking in on you and chatting if you don't mind....I tend to write a lot once I get started though...I am very passionate about this problem and it is still very raw to me even though it seems like a lifetime ago since it started....

Take care....

Sanderika

[brandnewday]

Sanderika,

What boundaries have you set for yourself?

It really concerns me that you are still counting in months as to how many months your Husband has been with the OW 3 years and 7 months (43 months).

You said you wanted advice....you may not like what I have to say, but I think after this long, perhaps it is time for you to change what you are doing, obviously it is not working.

Your Husband is cake-eating, and you allow it.

Time for you to do some 180's just for yourself and your sanity, or things will never change.

[Sanderika]

Hello brandnewday,

First, thank you very much for talking with me, I always hoped we could converse.

I do count the time. We have been so far and agree that with all this time spent we have travelled miles back towards each other.

It has taken us a long time to get where we are now. He went from hating me literally to enjoying my company now and feeling comfortable around me and son again and enjoying talking with me. Albeit there is still a strain, I am well aware of, or else he would have returned before now.

I agree H is eating cake. I was depressed before my H left and I was a monster to live with all around. I was hateful and mean and unloving to everyone, I mean it when I say this.

One of the things I did, and I am not proud of, is I turned my H down for sex and hugs and kisses for a VERY LONG TIME (A VERY LONG TIME). I was so into myself I could not be kind to him and he probably got the brunt of my behavior. I HURT HIM SO BADLY. I am crying as I write this.

I count the time because I have spent the past 43 months being kind, loving, friendly and supportive and commited to my H. In finding me again I found my love for my H and my family. I am proud of the time I have taken to "get me back" again. I look at it as a personal achievement as well.

I have done miles of 180's and made huge progress. My H watched me during the whole process and it is only in my changes and the way I treat him and others that he has even been able to remain in my life. He has now admitted he wants the M to reconcile. He asked for 6 months from our court to work on it. I feel he is not just all talk to get out of proceeding (I do have the thought he was just all talk). I would be lying if I didn't admit that hasn't crossed my mind.

I treat him well and that has brought a mountain of changes to us.

brandnewday, I would love your advice since your H came home. What can I do differently than I am already doing?

I have maintained a 180 in my appearance and style of living. I am very good at gal and have a lot of friends. I do have a 12 year old I can't leave alone more than I already do. I have a PMA as much as possible and will admit I have down moments. My H never sees me down, I won't allow that. I make no contact with H at all. Any contact he initiates and I will admit I am not always available. I do not have an answering machine on my landline for that reason. I do not always answer my cell. This he has complained about before. I still leave things the way they are. Neighbors have said he has been here when I am not so I feel pretty good about not always being available to his whims.

I guess the only boundary I have set is NO CONTACT BY ME. I DO NOT CALL, TEXT EMAIL or SEE my H on my own. I DO NOT HELP HIM WITH ANYTHING AT ALL, EVER.

Since he made the statement in court 5 weeks ago I did invite him to supper and to spend the night to test the waters, but he had called me to chat, and it was going well so I invited. He did come up but only after he seemed to have to think about it and finish work. So...I learned from that I won't invite him again anytime too soon.

I want him back and am very open to any suggestions. I am very reluctant to stop the sex though since that is something that has truly brought us back to the current state we are in. AND, by the way, we do not always have sex when we are in each others company...I would say that runs 50/50. Re-inventing our sex life after such a bad dry spell has been good for us.

brandnewday, I hope I have given you some insight into where we are...I would welcome your thoughts and ideas. I agree I need some new strategies, thank you again, I appreciate your time....

TCBTE, sorry for the hijack and thanks for letting us post on your thread.

Sanderika

[brandnewday]

Sanderika,

I think it is absolutely wonderful that you have made all of these changes, and that you are happy with who you have become, and I am glad that your Husband has noticed the new you.

You need to understand, the changes have to be real and they have to be for you. You have done alot of work, but I feel as though you were at a point in your life that you recognized you had a problem and took steps to fix it.

But did you do them for you or for your Husband?

Did you make the changes to win him back or for another reason?

My concern for you is this....

You are the one doing all of the work in the relationship.
You are the one making all of the changes.

What changes has your Husband made?
How much effort has he put into the Marriage?

You say he wants to reconcile, BUT he is still involved with OW.
Do you see how this could be a big problem?

To me, it seems as though you are walking on egg shells, and this is not how things are supposed to be. You are catering to his every need and it is all about him. You act grateful when he gives you some attention.

From what you have described here, it also seems as though you are blaming yourself for too many things in the past, and you are paying some type of a penance.

Many of us went though bouts of depression or did things in our Marriage that were unkind. I did it too, I was focused more on the kids then my Husband and neglected his needs.

This still does not mean it is OK for an affair...MLC or not.

Sanderika, please look at this situation without the rose colored glasses on. IF your Husband wants to work on the Marriage he needs to drop the OW or nothing is going to change, you will still be doing more of the same.

Stop being afraid of losing him, he knows how you feel which is why he can cake eat and treat you like a doormat. he knows you are afraid of losing him.

You are the prize, NOT him. Let him take steps to win you back!!

The day I finally told my Husband that I was no longer afraid of a Divorce and for him to please go ahead and file, was the day I got my freedom back, as I was no longer living with a gun against my head.

My Husbands MLC lasted for about 5 years, and it sucked the life out of me, because I let it. It took me a long time to learn how to detach properly. Once I got the no contact thing down, I was much happier and began to enjoy my life.

Learning how to re-attach was harder then detachment!

He has now been home for almost 2 years and piecing is also a huge challenge. It is not as easy as people seem to think. Forgiveness and patience are the key, and allowing them to set the pace.

((((hugs))))