My first step out of Newcomers

[Can it work]

Hi there PM. I was just reading back on this thread and noticed that I'd missed a post from you. Looking at the times, I was probably writing a post of my own in response to Sandi at the same time.

I hear what you're saying about my W going through the same issues and emotions as me but I'm not sure I can bring myself to believe it completely. She just doesn't appear to be struggling at all. I don't suppose I see her often enough to know if she's like that all the time but it's just the impression I get ehn I'm with her. This weekend is going to be all about me and my family so I'm hopefully going to manage to take my focus off her for a few days.

I'm just getting myself ready for going away this afternoon. I could've sworn last night that I didn't have very much to do. This morning though, my jobs seem to have multiplied! Oh well, I'm not away for a few hours yet so I'm sure I'll manage to cope. I'm going to go down to see Wee Man before lunch to give him a big cuddle and to say goodbye. It's going to be hard not seeing him until Tuesday but I'm sure I'll live. I'll be sure to bring him back some nice presents. I wasn't going to be able to take too much back before because I was flying both ways. Now that I've bought a car though, there's going to be plenty space to fill with nice things for him! I'd best be careful not to get too carried away. It'll be hard though. Toy shopping is just so much fun!!

I'll still have access to the BB over the weekend so I'll try and keep the updates going. Keep smiling everybody!

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Glad you are having some quality 'me' time. You have fun and treat yourself, OK? Drive safely!

BTW, what kind of car did you get?

[Can it work]

I got myself a new Toyota Avensis PM. Not the most exciting car in the world but it should be fine I'm sure.

[Can it work]

I'm sitting here tonight typing this from my sister's house. I'm having a really good weekend so far but spending far too much money. Missing the Wee Man like crazy too. I've been sending text messages to my W daily to ask how he's getting on. She never seems to reply right away which I know is a DBing tactic. I don't for a minute believe she's looked in to any way of reconciling our M though.

My sister and I went through to my brother's house last night and we ended up having a few drinks. My sister and SIL were telling me about how they thought they thought they were in love at 21 but changed a lot and found they weren't ready for it. It doesn't really fill me with confidence. They are both of the opinion that there's very little hope she's going to want to come back to me. I know I probably shouldn't listen to them but it's getting to the point that I seem to be the only one who believes my M has a chance. It's hard to keep a PMA against all that negative feeling.

My sister is taking me clothes shopping tomorrow and is going to help me pick out some new outfits to make me llok good. It's more money but it'll be worth it in the end I'm sure. Separations don't come cheap!

I came away this weekend to help me take my mind off my W but I'll be completely honest and say it's not really working as well as I'd hoped. It's still hard every time my phone beeps with a text message not to hope that the message is from her. I had no idea letting go was going to be so hard. Some days I can do it, others it seems as though I'm back to square one. I miss everything about being married almost as much as I miss my W. I really don't like being single any more.

My sister's H is a fitness instructor and he took me to a spinning class yesterday morning. It's the first time I'd done it and it was exhausting!! I felt really good after it though. Might be going to the gym tomorrow morning with him too. I've not decided yet.

Anyway, I'd better get back to being sociable.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

CIW, Hi, glad you are having fun, you deserve a good time.

I understand what you say about keeping a PMA towards M when everyone around you sees doom.. I felt very much that way when MIL came to visit. I think my H convinced her that there was NO WAY IN HEL* he could make our M works so she was trying to help him figure out how to separate and deal with his issues. In my mind, I thought, great help MIL, I am so glad I am putting you up in my house while you and H are planning our separation! But anyway, listen to your inner voice. You can't force anything to happen, to reconcile or separate/D. Be true to yourself because if you are doing something just because someone says to you to do it then you will feel empty afterwards.

That's why eventhough my H is convinced he doesn't want to be with me, I won't force him back. If he feels that strongly about that now then there is no way that he will come back to stay for good. But that is not to say that our M wouldn't ever work out, it just means that it's not the right time. So take it one step at a time, see how things are. See how your growth is, see if your W is growing and facing her own issues. Don't rush into anything and keep an open mind. That's what I'm choosing to do anyway.

BTW, I had a really good DB coaching session last week. Excellent, you may want to save some money for it, it really motivated me to do what is right, she helped me pinpoint what I should be concentrating on and it's worth every cent. Just a thought.

[Can it work]

It's my last night away. Back to reality tomorrow. I'm really excited about seeing Wee Man again though. I really have missed him. I've really missed my W too but I'll not be telling her that in a hurry.

I think I may be a bit better in my own mind regarding my M. It'll be a real test when I see her tomorrow though. I'm still really down every time I think too much about my sitch but I've been working on changing my train of thought when I start thinking negative thoughts. I'm getting better at it I think. There are plenty of happy things I can think about instead. It's something I'm really trying to practice. If I can master it, I'll be a much happier person.

I have spent so much money this weekend it's not even funny. It's all stuff I need to get my life with Wee Man back on track though. I do need to get in touch with a DB coach as you say PM. I need someone to speak to who can give me support and not just the negativity that I've been getting from my family. I've tried to explain to my sister what I'm trying to do and she may be coming around to respect my wishes. It's hard enough going through this without them all trying to put me off. It's made my trip away slightly harder. I've still had fun though and that's the main thing.

Kev

[Can it work]

Well that's me back to work this morning. It was good to get back in to my own bed last night. I'm beginning to wish I took the rest of the week off because I have so much to do at home still. I'm sure I'll live though. I'll hopefully achieve a good amount this evening.

My W dropped Wee Man off for about an hour yesterday when I got home. It was so amazing to see him. I bought him a new train set when I was away and it was hilarious as he kept following me around the house dragging the box so I'd set it up for him. When we did get it up and running he was amazed and seemed to thoroughly enjoy it.

My W was better than she has been yesterday. I showed her some of the clothes I'd bought Wee Man when I was away and she was saying how lovely it all was in a pretty much normal way. She also gave me some news on how her family were getting on. This was all done very pleasantly with a smile on her face throughout. It may be a positive sign but I'm not over fussed to be honest. It'll be what it'll be.

I'm not sure if my trip away really cleared my mind as far as my W goes. What it did achieve though is to help me appreciate Wee Man even more. Spending time with my niece and nephews showed me how much pleasure you can get from your children when they're a little older and they can interact more. I know he's not too far off that point and it's exciting me to be able to do more with him. Right now, I love having him but he's not the world's best conversationalist and can be hard work. I wouldn't change him for the world but I am now even more excited about the future even if it's not going to be with my W.

I am still lonely in the evenings and miss the comfort of having someone to talk to. That could be my biggest downfall I think. It's not so bad when Wee Man isn't staying because I can just go out and visit friends. It's normally the nights when he's staying and goes to bed that I struggle. None of my friends or family seem to want to come past when I have him because they want to leave me alone to enjoy my time with him. I've tried to explain to them that it's still ok for them to come past but they never do. It's at these times that I miss my W the most.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

It sounds like your family is not getting the hint. Maybe you need to be even more solid in your plans and actually invite them around on specific nights, specific times. Maybe they can bring their dinner and you can make your own dinner and just have a little potluck at home. That's always fun and people will react better if you invite them. Otherwise, they don't want to intrude.

I am an optimist so I think people really want to help you out of loneliness and be there for you. You just need to make solid plans instead of open invitations.

[Can it work]

Just thought I'd pop on and do a little journaling.

I'm feeling really good tonight. I've just been to the gym and it's given me that sense of satisfaction that it always does. Wee Man is coming to stay tomorrow night so I'm pleased about that too. PM, I invited my mother to come visit tomorrow night too and she's agreed so I will have some company.

For some reason my W is being really nice to me at the moment. I don't know why but I don't care. As long as it lasts it makes life a lot easier. I know that if I'm ever going to get to the stage where I can work things out with her, we have to become friends again first. The way it was before when it was so awkward, I couldn't believe that it could ever get to the stage where we were talking politely again, let alone think about reconcilliation. It's a step in the right direction and I'm grateful for that at least. I'm not going to get my hopes up yet but every baby step forward is a bonus for me right now.

I've just ordered some nice new furniture for my house so that's cheered me up too. I love buying things. Sometimes it can get out of hand but I'm going to be careful not to get too carried away. I don't want to be getting myself in to debt.

I finished my first assignment in my writing course yesterday so I'm going to have to go through it again to make sure I'm happy with it before I submit it. Hopefully it will get good feedback from my assessors. It's my first one though so it might not get critical acclaim just yet but it would be nice to at least get complimented on a job well done.

I'm going to go and do some laundry now before I go to bed. That part of my life isn't the most exciting I suppose but it all needs done.

Keep smiling everyone!

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Kev,

Good for you for finishing your assignment. I don't know how you can do 'school work'. You must have a lot of determination and drive.

Did the dinner go well with your Mom? Does she love being a grandmother? I am very lucky, both my parents and my H's mom loves being grandparents so it's really great to have them around when they visit. Nothing is forced and everyone just gets together to have a good time. It's times like these that I think H will really miss. (Or maybe not, who knows.)

I see you are getting some joy out of buying things. I went through that as well. Felt REALLY GOOD. Not long lasting but good about myself. I am glad WeeMan likes his trains, what's with little boys and trains anyway? It's like a script. Trains then dinosaurs then superheros.

Keep having fun whereever you can find it. I have a cold so have not been exercising which is a bummer because am missing the endorphin rush. Take care!