Positives Round-up Roping in a new R

[lostlove]

I understand how the "leaving" sucks...and it certainly does stink that h wasn't up for much this weekend being sick and all..but here's anther way to look at it...

he may have been sick and lethargic but at least he came to be there with you...he could have easily stayed in bed at his apartment eating chicken soup.

sorry if that sounds pissy...I know I've felt like you do many a time and many a time I was told much the same thing...and ya know what? it's true...he didn't HAVE to come but he did.

while h still didn't live here but we had started to spend time together once again...he came one night to spend time with me...rented a movie and he fell asleep...to say I wasn't thrilled is putting it mildly...h knew I was bothered and said...are you mad that I fell asleep...I was honest and said...not mad just dissapointed.

try not to be mad at h when he's not feeling well...he doesn't HAVE to be there...give him a little credit for not banging in sick.

He said, "I think I'd feel better if I had a hug." So I gave him a half hearted one.

half hearted hugs will not get you by for long....

be loving and others will want to be loving in return...be cold and "half hearted" and it's likely that you will be met with indifference as well.


LL

[Trying24now]

LL,
I certainly don't question that what you say is true:

be loving and others will want to be loving in return...be cold and "half hearted" and it's likely that you will be met with indifference as well.

You're also right that he could just as well have stayed at his own place all weekend nursing his cold, in fact, I wish he had because it was as if he wasn't really here anyway.

I don't NEED a lump on my couch, had one of those for nearly 25 years. I don't NEED to be anyone's nurse, did that too for all those years, and look where it got me.
I did so damn much for so many people (H and sons) that I lost me and MY NEEDS along the way. And my reward for all that selfishness/martyrdom? A lying, cheating, deceiving H. WOW what a prize....lucky ME.

I know I'm ranting and raving here...but I have to scream all of this somewhere...I can't pretend not to think or feel these things because they eat me alive trying to suppress them.

I wrestle with myself constantly. I try to suck it up...then wonder why I'm always the one doing that. I try to go with the flow and wonder why it's always HIS flow I have to go with. I ask myself when does DBing become DOORMATING...it seems to be a very real and painful line.

Why do I have to be so damn nice, understanding, forgiving, careful, selective in my words, gestures...while HE just gets to be HIM.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm selling my soul to the devil. It's beginning not to feel RIGHT or NATURAL anymore.

I'm taking this entire coming week OFF for myself. I'm going to FORCE myself to concentrate on ME. To do things JUST FOR ME. To get my PMA up, by myself, for myself. I'm going to search within myself for a way to "let him go."

I'm slipping back into the early days of this nightmare, when I felt joyless, hopeless, empty. I can't go back there...I won't go back there.
The ONLY thing keeping me from telling him to stay the hell away from me is that I've promised myself I'd give our week in Georgia a shot. IF that week doesn't change our status completely...for my own personal well being I will have to complete the process of grieving the end of this marriage and walk away once and for all.

THIS is NOT a life, it's a painful existance, and I know I deserve BETTER than this.

Okay, so I've whined, screamed, shouted and let it all hang out....it isn't pretty, but it's me right now, at this moment.
T2

[imalright]

T2,
Wish my H would stay all weekend even if he was sick! I would take it as a good sign that he wanted to say "home" as he seems to be starting to want to call it home. Be careful about backing away, because he will fallow you and back off. If you don't like going back to the same thing. Then you change the way you are doing things, your H should then change too!
Deb

[joyful]

Oh I am so sorry. Your so close but yet in your mind so far away. If you hate him leaving, then put in a little hint. Say it. Say it makes you sad when you have to see him leave. That you miss him. Tell him how you feel. Then it will not grow and fester inside of you. make him feel too, at the same time, loved and wanted and that your sad that he is leaving you. It will put that bug in his ear to sh*t or get off the pot so to speak.

Anyway I understand your frustration. Just don't let it all build. Part of a marraige or a relationship is communication. That is true of your feelings just as well as his. He can't read your mind to know how your feeling. Just your gestures you send off to him.

Hope you have a better day. Wave at me while you go by Georgia. It is so nice here lately.

[Trying24now]

Joyful,

I think he "knows" that I want him home, we've discussed it several times and on no occassion did he sound real positive about it. So I have stopped bringing it up. I'm not going to ask him again. He knows I want him here working on this...but he has his own agenda apparently.

I will never ask him again, and I think he knows that too, and if he doesn't then he's pretty dense. HE has to ask to come home now, I'll never allow him to think he came home as a favor to me. He has to want to be here as much as I think he should be, otherwise, it'll be meaningless.

I have communicated my butt off...I'm not pouring my heart out to him any longer...it's all been said to death.
I'm waiting for HIM to do the talking now and he's NOT doing it.
He wants everything to be simple, smooth, easy and painless for himself....can't blame him...because I'm getting into the painless for me too mode.

H has until Oct. 19th to get out of his...self protection mode because on Oct 20th things are going to go so dark, he'll think someone shut the moon off.
T2

[sunseeker]

T2~
You sound VERY frustrated and I am glad you are ranting here and not at your H. It sounds like you have some thinking and reflecting to do about next steps....

I'm taking this entire coming week OFF for myself. I'm going to FORCE myself to concentrate on ME. To do things JUST FOR ME. To get my PMA up, by myself, for myself. I'm going to search within myself for a way to "let him go."

This is a great idea...especially since you feel like you are going back to the early days. I for one, would not want to go back to those days for all the money in the world...I often wonder how I even got through that time!!!!!!!!!!

I hope the trip to Georgia gives you a change of scenery. Maybe being together at the house evey weekend is a "more of the same" that needs to be shaken up a little and hopefully the trip with be jsut what you need! Just my humble opinion!!

Keep us posted on all the wonderful things you plan to do for YOURSELF this week!!

[Trying24now]

H called 3 times today, I finally took the 3rd call. I was "nice" I asked how he was feeling today and he said, "A little better."

He immediately brought up the trip to Georgia saying all the plans for travel/hotel were set. I said, "Good"

He plans on coming by my job tonight to grab my car and take it to the hanger to change the oil etc so he reminded me of that.

How can he act as if everythings honky dorey when there are so many things yet to be resolved. He is fooling himself if he thinks that 'silence' will fix everything or 'ignoring' the issues that got us where we've been are never discussed or worked on.

If he doesn't face the fact that all these issues need to be faced and dealt with...we are destined to repeat all of our mistakes.
T2

[love_endures4ever]

T2,

I took this from one of your earlier posts:

....personally (sounds nuts I know) and now see it as the 'sickness' (if you will) of the mindset of As and MLC.

MY ANGER is mostly directed at ME. I'm being forced, kicking and screaming into accepting MY ROLE in the down spiral of our M and R and how, even though I accept NO RESPONSIBILITY for his decision to cheat, the two or so years before his A I had grown distant and had stopped making my M a priority. HE was not my first priority, I WAS. I went on autopilot. I saw us slipping further and further apart and yet, I did nothing, comfortable in the "fantasy" that I was untouchable. So much so that even when I 'thought' he might be cheating, part of me actually didn't even care, because I didn't love him at that time. In my mind, I wanted him to cheat on me becuase I thought that was on the one thing I wouldn't let him to do me and then I'd have a reson to get rid of him...boy was I wrong!


I have so many issues to work out for myself. I have to deal with the demons that shut me down as a wife long before my H shut down as a faithful husband. I can relate here, also

There's this 'need' for 'payback' that I spew, but then again there's no need at all. I vacilate from one day to the next, one hour to the next. My emotions run the full gamet, to often out of my control. So that is what I HAVE to learn to do....control them.

YOU'LL get to ANGRY when the time is right. There's no short cut through this process unfortunately. I wish there was because I'm exhausted by it.

I want to wake up happy and content again. I want to wake up SAFE in the knowledge that my H is with me and here to stay for the rest of our natural lives, I just don't know yet whether or not that's going to be possible for him OR for ME. I TOO FEEL THIS WAY

Are we related or perhaps twins? Just as their are simularities in the MLC'ers and those in A's, there are similarites in the LBS sitchs.

Cathy

[Trying24now]

Cathy,

OUCH...did I say all that LOL
The similarities in all our stiches is just to sad.

Lately, I am numb. It's like standing on the railroad tracks watching the train coming at you and yet you can't get yourself to jump safely to the side. The failure of THIS reconciliation is the train and my numbness/fear is what keeps my feet nailed squarely between the rails.
T2

[holdingon]

Your reconciliation does not seem a failure to me. As everything, it seems to be moving too slowly for the LBS... remember PATIENCE? Someone on the bb said that it is VERY hard for the WAH to have the discussions. That when things are going smoothly (albeit in their mind...) the WAH may not want to "jinx" the situation by having an R talk. Yes, things NEED to be resolved. But, you have to take one day at a time, one moment if need be. You have come such a long way... BE PATIENT.

How can he act as if everythings honky dorey when there are so many things yet to be resolved. He is fooling himself if he thinks that 'silence' will fix everything or 'ignoring' the issues that got us where we've been are never discussed or worked on.

He may be getting comfortable with the situation. It doesn't mean that the issues won't be resolved in the future. A future that does seem to be there for the two of you. Stop trying to control the situation. Look at the positives in your sitch, please. Several people on piecing did not have R talks for 6 months after the reconciliation... some have not had R talks at all. Stop worrying that your relationship is not going to make it unless you resolve everything NOW. As everything, it needs time. Your H is NOT riding the fence, he is giving to you, granted, not as much as YOU WANT, but you have a new R, take it SLOW, just like you would have in the beginning.