I'm so sorry to read your posts, but like many of the others, I'm not surprised.
About this reply, all I can say is buckle up as it is a bit of a long one.
As a man who had to go through IC myself for several months before I could even begin to think about admitting my own faults and flaws, the only thing that surprises me is the expectation of others out there who are stunned and shocked by your H's inability to move forward faster.
There is no way he can do any of the things you are asking him to do b/c he has no idea how to love anyone or anything.
The man doesn't know how to love. He doesn't love himself and while he thinks he loves you and your children, he can only love all of you to the best of his ability. As long as he is incapable of loving himself, he will never be able to be the right man for you, Kalni.
Does he feel guilt? Yes. Low self-esteem? Absolutely. I can say all of this w/out any hesitation. Why? Because I was very much like him.
I lived over 35 years of my life HATING who I was. Oh, I masked it greatly, but deep down, I didn't like me. What did that mean? I sabotaged relationships b/c I felt I was unworthy to be loved fully and completely. I worked whenever I could so I could feel "important" in the "real world" even though it meant neglecting things at home.
When did this cycle stop for me? When I went to IC...several months into IC! I fought like crazy in my early IC sessions against any notion that I was messed up in any way. I was the victim of my life, or at least that is what I was telling everyone.
In time, I came to realize that I was afraid of rejection and losing the things I held dearly. I was still hurting as a grown man from my parent's divorce, my father's absence throughout most of my life and my mother's own issues, including her nervous breakdown when I was in high school.
All of these things took my ability to love and shoved them into the deepest recesses of my heart where I was only capable of uncovering them through working w/a C that looked to challenge me and not tell me what I wanted to hear.
My story is too similar to your H's for me to not expand on him. Does it make it right? No, but it is what it is. Does your H have the ability to be who you want him to be? Absolutely. However, he can't do anything to speed up the process as he too has a lot of buried emotions he has to uncover.
There is such a wonderful positive here b/c he IS in IC! He has only been in two sessions and he'll need at least another 4 or so before he can start to comprehend what he needs to do for himself to be happy - which in turn will allow him to start to be the "better man" you are seeking.
His work is not selfish, but a status symbol for him. He feels accepted, valued, and "loved" b/c of his job. That is why he clings to it. He feels he is defined by his job. He doesn't know yet that he's defined by his actions and not his job or banking account.
If the IC is challening him, he will learn these things. He will be the better man. He just won't do it in the next week to 10 days, so if you aren't ready for a long ride, then there is nothing he can do.
My thought would be similar to what Ali has said and I know it will be met w/a ton of opposition which I think is unfortunate. I wouldn't ask you to throw your arms around him and "fake" emotions, but instead it reads to me that at times you are quick to dismiss any changes he's making.
My XW did the same thing. I went to therapy, broke down walls that were decades old, met privately w/both of my parents and discussed why I had such a rough time growing up, and learned how to be a better man, husband, and father throughout my entire D process. What did my XW say? She either said "too little too late" or "I see no change in you at all and you are the same selfish a-hole you've always been."
That stung deeper than anyone would ever know. Here I was working on me - like she "demanded" I do - and as I got healthier and made progress, there she was to put me down and tell me whatever I did wasn't good enough. I lived my life telling myself I wasn't good enough and now, after doing some of the most difficult and painful work on me I've ever had the guts to do, the woman I loved was telling me I wasn't good enough. Absolutely crushing.
He met w/you to tell you about his going to IC to work on him. Isn't this what you've been asking for? Didn't you want him to change for the better? The thing that is frustrating on my end is he's doing what you wanted, but yet, you still aren't happy.
I know it is going to always be your decision on things, but could you consider treating him w/some empathy as he is taking the only positive step he can to try and save your M? Until he unearths his deep, dark secrets, you two will always be worlds apart.
It takes time to dig to the center of the Earth. You can't expect him to get there in two sessions...or even 5 or six, for that matter.
Do what you need to do for you, but I will ask you to think about viewing him w/empathy instead of anger. He is working and he is moving forward. He is emotionally frozen and uncapable of completely giving himself up to you or anyone else.
I WAS HIM! I WAS EMOTIONALLY FROZEN TOO!
He wants to change, but his change will take time.
Picture yourself laying by the pool working on your tan and your H is in the water. He starts splashing water on you and you get irritated. You get up to find out he's splashing water on you b/c he's drowning, not b/c he's trying to piss you off.
Does that change your opinion? Can you use empathy to view him as a drowning man instead of an a-hole?
Just my thoughts as they relate to the path I've personally walked myself.
Whatever you decide I'm with you. I hope you know that. I just wanted to give you perspective from his point of view. I'm not defending him in any way, but merely trying to shed some light on why he does what he does.
In the end, you will make the call. I just want you to have all the information before you make any decision.
Much love is coming to you w/this post and I hope you were able to feel it, my dear lady.
