<<I want my sense of freedom and an openness to the real possibilities that life has to offer - I don't mean in a new partner - I mean on a purely personal level - in terms of my work, my time with my children, my time alone, and my time with friends.
Beautiful ! & exactly what I want too.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I am so impressed with the clarity of your focus. You are clearly someone on his own path, the right path. And, since you are someone who has shown that he does not lack the courage of his convictions, I have no doubt that peace and happiness are to be found on this path. Keep walking and keep that focus, my friend. I am proud of you and all of your endless hard work to save yourself. You inspire me and, I am sure, many others here on these boards.
so happy to hear about your move. as i read through this thread, there was so much i wanted to comment on, to commend you on. you are doing so well, and have come so far.
I've found for myself, many of these emotions i've been dealing with: missing stbx, etc, have more to do with habits than actual emotions. i had created a habit of thinking of her and having a running mental conversation with her over what she's done to me, to our family, to our daughter. and that is now what i'm working on breaking.
to-do lists, goals: so important to me. funny thing is my father lived by his lists. if it wasnt on his list, it didnt matter, didnt exist even. and drove us nuts. he'd sit us down and tell us what our chores were each day by his list. and then come in and check them off as they got completed. our day wasnt done until his list was all checked off.
these days i'm doing the same for myself. i have a note book, i keep a running to-do list, and live by it - although much looser than him. i get some guidance by reading what needs to get done, i get motivation by looking at my list and i get some instant gratification to cross something off.
next i'll need to add more emotional items to accomplish, for now just tasks.
hope your move went well, take care of yourself.
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. " - Mark Twain
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi everyone, Thanks for dropping by while I was away... Well...it's been a busy few days...and I finally have Internet access at home again.
Just a bit of journaling for myself....
I moved out of the house on Saturday - with the help of my mother, my S11 and two good friends. It was a long, exhausting day - but it was worth it...and now I'm in my apartment and more or less beginning to get settled into it. The view from the apartment is lovely - this morning I just sat and watched the sun rise silently over the mountains and smiled.
Since my mother is in town, I wanted to have S2 with me on Saturday - even though I was moving - and since I knew it give my mother a chance to spend some time with both of my boys. B was supposed to bring S2 by that morning at 9am - but called around 9:45 to tell me that she just woke up...I said it was fine, no problem. just bring him by when you can - to which she said, "Aren't you worried?" I said, no, he's with you, why should I be worried? And left it that. So eventually she brought him by and he had a chance to spend the day with my mom and S2. At then end of the night, after she picked him up, she texted me to ask if he napped while with me, and telling me that he kept talking about my mom. I told her he hadn't napped - and left it at that. On Sunday she texted me to tell me that she was going to update our addresses with S2's daycare -and then called to tell me the same thing - and to ask me how much his daycare cost last month (it's the same every month, no matter what). So that's what I told her...
And then she got back into her more usual mode on Sunday night - when I realized that I had misplaced my checkbook and couldn't give her the check for his daycare as I had planned. I explained that to her - and she started seething with anger - so I finally just told her that part of the reason things are difficult for her is because she had decided to break up our family - she responded to that by claiming I had strangled her and that I had thrown our wedding album at her and our baby- both fictions. So on Monday, I finally just sent her a blunt note saying that I was no longer going validate her lies about me - and that I knew myself and my motivations - and that I had not strangled her, but that I had made the poor decision of trying to "shake her out" of wherever she was - since she had started kicking me and punching me just for touching her cell phone. I also reminded her that when I three the wedding album on the kitchen floor it was far away from her and S2 - and I did so after she threatened divorce again as we were getting ready to go to my S11's soccer tournament. I tossed the wedding album on the floor and said "look at what you're throwing away." - Melodramatic idiocy on my part - but now I recognize how our dysfunctional dynamic made that happen...so....when I tried to talk with her again - she threatened to call the police...
So...now that I'm out of the house - and am away from the constant reminder of the memories and hopes that brought us into that house - it's easier for me to put some distance between her issues and me. Her most recent threat to call the police just left me with disgust - no worry on my part - just a realization that this is how she wants to control and manipulate things - and this is how she'll try to be abusive since I really don't give her any way to talk with me or communicate with me at all.
While I still have moments of missing the nice times we shared - I am also very easily reminded of how unhappy I was with her - and how much I felt like she needed to find anger in me in order to justify her own behavior and ways of being - my mistake was playing into that anger and adding to that dynamic.
There's more...there's always more...but for some reason I just feel kind of bored writing about it...maybe later...I don't know...but for now I just want to get things more settled in the apartment - purge some books - and make more time for writing...
I am glad you are back. I have missed your insightful and kind posts.
Glad you seem to be getting settled into your new place. Hmmm... sunrise, silence and a smile - not only is that nice alliteration, it seems like a nice way to start a day. Makes me think you might be on to some new beginnings for you and your boys.
Hi everyone... Well...settling into the new place is moving along at its own pace. My mother leaves tomorrow morning - so there should be a new round of feelings to experience afterward...the sunrises continue to be lovely - and the evenings seem fine. I had to deal with some loud music from the downstairs neighbors over the weekend - and that was a bother - but it also just reminded me that this situation is temporary - and I can do a lot to change my life over the next year.
Since B last threatened to call the police last week I have just stopped speaking with her completely. I say hello and goodbye - usually get no response - but I am at the point where I could care less. Her words hardly mean anything to me anymore - since they just never seem genuine or sincere - and I just don't trust her at all.
I wish she could see that not talking with me - not saying hello to me - sets a poor example for our baby boy - but I just don't think she has the capacity to see beyond herself at all anymore. My opinion of her has really declined over the last couple weeks - perhaps because the discomfort and hassle of moving out of the house and back into an apartment really drove home the impact of her actions - and of her inability to deal with her real issues.
I think she really thought that I would buy into her nonsense when she accused me of strangling her and throwing the wedding album at our baby - maybe I was too accommodating early on and lead her to believe that I would always validate that kind of nonsense. Looking back now, I think it was a mistake to validate her fictions about my behavior - it wasn't just a matter or perception - since what she reconstructed as our reality was actually a complete reconstruction of my persona - and it had nothing to do with me - but by validating her words I was allowing that specter in her mind to become me...and I regret that.
It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately - that the DB books don't say enough about how to respond to an abusive partner - and sometimes it puts so much of an emphasis on fixing ourselves in order to fix our marriages that we are too easily distracted into dismissing and forgiving - even validating - behavior and words that should not be acceptable. When B accused me of being an abusive husband with anger issues I dove into understanding the nature of abuse and anger - I was abused as a child - so I knew there was the potential there of repeating the behavior - but I had never had that problem with anyone, ever, in my life. Not my first wife, not my children, not any of my long-term relationships...only with B...and so I finally had to look more carefully at that dynamic - and that's when it became clearer to me that I had put myself into a relationship with someone that treated me poorly in a way that was familiar to me...in a way that echoed my childhood...and that's why it brought out in me some of the same kind of anger and frustration I used to experience as a child.
And so...with that pattern acknowledged, I move on...and focus on the solutions and not my past. The past is too easy to inspect for issues - and still not find any answers through that inspection - the ever-vanishing present, on the other hand, is ripe with evidence of what works and does not work in my life - in anyone's life - and that's where my attention and energy goes now...and it's with that energy - and safe perspective - that I can see how damaging my relationship/marriage with B was for me.
Do I think B is a bad person? No...I think she's a beautiful person with deep, painful issues that she can't yet resolve. Can I wait for her to resolve those issues? No. And it's not because I am unwilling to wait for her to heal - it is because waiting would entail entangling my life with hers again - and allowing myself to be kept in check by the mere possibility that she might someday reflect on her own actions and words and realize that there were two people that brought disorder to our marriage - and our relationship - not just one. Besides that, I don't know if I could honestly look past her words and actions any more...the physical affair of three years ago, the emotional affair around when the bomb dropped, the lies about me, the lies about herself, the disrespect for our family, the unchecked willingness to take advantage of me - and my own culpability in playing into all of it. I'm not a fool - nor am I naive person - and yet I so willingly continued to feed the fires of her disregard...so, perhaps, it's not just a question of whether or not I could ever forgive her enough (I think I've already forgiven her) - it's a larger question for me of whether or not I could ever look at her and see past my own complacency in taking apart myself...but even that question is layered in its own blend of confusion, as I don't care much for her anymore...not that I don't love her, I do, but I am at that point of not being in love with her at all - and so when I look at her I feel like I am looking at a body made up of dark clouds...transparent in some regards, brooding in others, but always wisping away while threatening every quiet moment with a storm.
Which is all just to say...I'm doing fine...and seeing things more clearly than I had before...which brings new sorts of sadness to the surface, but I feel stable and hopeful enough to know that any sadness I feel will pass - and my hopes for my life - and for the life I can offer my sons - will always be there...always.
Wow, Carlos, that is a great post. You sound very strong, but then again, you always sound strong. What is different about this post is the clarity you have. I sense a perspective shift in your words.
It is wonderful to see that you keep doing what you need to do for you and your boys, but even more than that, you sound peaceful.
Carlos, How are you? How is your writing going? Keep up your good work, you are a success story here. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
