LL,
I certainly don't question that what you say is true:

Quote:

be loving and others will want to be loving in return...be cold and "half hearted" and it's likely that you will be met with indifference as well.


You're also right that he could just as well have stayed at his own place all weekend nursing his cold, in fact, I wish he had because it was as if he wasn't really here anyway.

I don't NEED a lump on my couch, had one of those for nearly 25 years. I don't NEED to be anyone's nurse, did that too for all those years, and look where it got me.
I did so damn much for so many people (H and sons) that I lost me and MY NEEDS along the way. And my reward for all that selfishness/martyrdom? A lying, cheating, deceiving H. WOW what a prize....lucky ME.

I know I'm ranting and raving here...but I have to scream all of this somewhere...I can't pretend not to think or feel these things because they eat me alive trying to suppress them.

I wrestle with myself constantly. I try to suck it up...then wonder why I'm always the one doing that. I try to go with the flow and wonder why it's always HIS flow I have to go with. I ask myself when does DBing become DOORMATING...it seems to be a very real and painful line.

Why do I have to be so damn nice, understanding, forgiving, careful, selective in my words, gestures...while HE just gets to be HIM.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm selling my soul to the devil. It's beginning not to feel RIGHT or NATURAL anymore.

I'm taking this entire coming week OFF for myself. I'm going to FORCE myself to concentrate on ME. To do things JUST FOR ME. To get my PMA up, by myself, for myself. I'm going to search within myself for a way to "let him go."

I'm slipping back into the early days of this nightmare, when I felt joyless, hopeless, empty. I can't go back there...I won't go back there.
The ONLY thing keeping me from telling him to stay the hell away from me is that I've promised myself I'd give our week in Georgia a shot. IF that week doesn't change our status completely...for my own personal well being I will have to complete the process of grieving the end of this marriage and walk away once and for all.

THIS is NOT a life, it's a painful existance, and I know I deserve BETTER than this.

Okay, so I've whined, screamed, shouted and let it all hang out....it isn't pretty, but it's me right now, at this moment.
T2