Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[Thinker]

So today is W's birthday, and we have been celebrating it. As I mentioned earlier, I wanted to make sure it was a good birthday - really for her, not for me. She is going through a lot with her mothers cancer and she needs some cheer and distraction.

I took her out to dinner last night - fun and cordial, although I could tell that she was a bit uncomfortable at times, and there were some long pauses in the conversation. I gave her a birthday present - jewelry, but nothing over the top. She was pleased and put it on -- and is wearing it again today.

This morning we snuggled a bit, and she asked for a back rub, which I gave her. I can tell that when I do that, she get's turned on - but still does not want ML with me. Either she is thinking of OM or something about ML with me or our history is turning her off. Either way I'm not going to obsess about it.

We had a birthday party for her at church, and then I had the boys give her some small presents and some flowers and a card "from them" this morning. Although she does not know it, I have some friends of hers coming over for cake and ice cream this evening.

It is all probably a bit much for our current sitch, but I believe birthdays are special and did not want to just let it go by.

I know that she is still trying to maintain a basic friendship / contact with OM. I really believe he is staying away from her for fear of the potential damage to his M, but I think she is not ready to let go of him and thinks she can maintain some sort of relationship with him as a "dear friend".

As for me, I am getting ready to start in on "No More Mr. Nice Guy", am working out almost every day and feeling pretty good about myself. In the past week I started growing a goatee/mustache which I think looks pretty good. It was always out of my comfort zone to to that before. A couple of days ago my W sais "I'm not sure how I feel about this (waves hand around her mouth) stuff you are growing" I responded "That's OK, I don't really care" (and I don't. If she asked me to shave I wouldn't). I am also trying to build up some more friendships outside of my W's circle of friends - more of a safe environment for me.

I am feeling a lot more detached than I have in a long time - which is good. I am more comfortable with the idea of a potential D in the future, I am not as worried as I was about her, etc. I am definitely not there yet, though. Although I am no longer worried about her every emotional swing, and no longer trying to engage her constantly, I still miss her, want intimacy, want to ML etc and am finding it very hard to put all of that out of my mind when we are living together and she is close at hand, beautiful, and unavailable.

I'll keep working on it.