Last year I went to Alanon while my H was attending AA. I went there hopeful that he was dealing with his problem and that we could move forward and live out the dreams we had for our M.
That was interrupted by a medical threat of mine - turned out ok. But it was the second time around - with my response the first time around being to kick him out of my life because of his problem. The second time I felt differently, he was supportive, but after everything was ok he returned to the drinking and acting out. Don't know if it was connected.
So, I was saying, I went to the meetings with hope and as I listened carefully I heard many sad stories and not much hope for things working out. The hope given was that people there could be ok. My M didn't seem like it would last and being newly wed I didn't like that. I felt that the meetings reminded me that my dreams would eventually be dead in the water.
I also listen to people all day for a living, I need to be able to talk at the end of the day if I want to. I found the meetings too restrictive. I got the most support from an accidental attendance at a men's only meeting. They handle things much differently from women.
So, I knew to try different meetings on, but didn't feel the support so much. But I know many people are helped by the meetings and I send people to them all the time.
What I think is different for me is this - I know a lot about A, and co-dependency and psychological problems, I know my issues, at times go with my feelings which sometimes gives me grief afterward. I fight for what I want as hard as possible, I also know what might work and what won't. It just takes time to go through it all. I often wish I could skip steps and get to the end faster, but then I would miss out on the living part.
I understand abuse of all kinds, I know when it is happening, I know what to take and what not to take - I am in charge of my life. I think where I differ from others, it that I am willing to take risks, to believe in the impossible, and keep my wits about me at the same time so I know when to quit and run. It may not be other people's timing.
My H has reasons for his behavior that until now he has not known he could heal from or control. He is working on it. He is doing it for himself, but he did initially for me. He is going through a painful process with a lot of support. My hope is that he finally finds peace with himself. For me, this M has turned me upside down. I have become of aware of the good and bad that is in us and the ones we love.
I don't know where the journey will end. No one I know, supports me continuing in this M who actually knows me. That makes me think a lot more than everyone knows. It hurts me that people feel this way.
I know I will be ok, I don't like what I have to go through. Heck , I dont' like what most people have gone through on this board.
I hear you. I went to several al-anon meetings too. One was very large, I'd never have spoken up with 40 people in the room.
The coda meeting I went to was 8 women. There was much more of an opportunity to talk & share.
anyway, it sounds like you know where you're at & what you need to do. You sound calm & confident, & well educated about the issues, in the face of extreme difficulties.
take care & thank you again for visiting my thread
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I think I am beyond saving my M...but I remember when exh first left everyone in my life thought I should be celebrating because he was such a nightmare...I didn't feel that way. It did hurt that people felt that way but I could understand why they did. From the outside looking in I was in an abusive M. These people only cared about me but they didn't understand I had to move at my own speed.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Startingover..that is very true..my mom and stepdad and sister all kind of said something similar about my hub, thinking they knew a while back things weren't exactly right and that I should just be ready to not even want it back, even when this first happened. I had to get to MY point at MY time which is the best way to be..and Kassie don't let anyone, not even us, make you feel you should be doing anything at any different speed or way than YOU want and feel comfortable
{{Kassie}}
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Hope you're having a pleasant Sunday. Stay safe and warm if snow is headed your way.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I had a meeting with my H today. He has 30 days! We met for coffee and he filled me in on what he is doing. Two hopeful things were mentioned - 1) he has temp sponsor who's sponsor was a friend of Bill W., 2) he is connecting with therapist.
He asked to start seeing each other, and to my surprise I noticed I was very tense and so I took a deep breath and told him that I was very tense about the idea. He then asked if I wanted a D. I told him that he was free to do what he wanted - I couldn't fight anymore with him and I wanted him to do whatever he needed to do for himself. He thought for a minute and then explained that he was being defensive. If I wanted him to wait then he would do that. He didn't want a D. I mentioned that we had unresolved issues - he said I know better than to go there with you right now. I was surprised again.
So we agreed to have no contact for 30 days. He also said, that while he would not call me and added for the first time he would respect my space unlike the past - and then he offered to be available if I needed him during this time unlike the past. We will see.
30 days huh? I think it sounds like a good plan. I know it must be so hard for you but I think it will give you some time to think of what you really want and expect from this.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
